WOW! Lauren Sanchez-Bezos goes "Lady-like" over night ...

 

NO TITS?  I almost don't recognize her!  I guess this is what happens when you add a "MRS" to your name.

THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY ...

 Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez

Holy Mother of Gazillionaires!  These two have found LOVE!

I can't tell you how happy I am for these two I could just shit.  Here we have a loving couple who have the means to rent Venice for their nuptials.  Did you get that?  They are renting an entire city in Italy for their wedding.  The only thing that could shock me more is if Pope Leo married them.

I can hardly wait to see what Lauren's gown will look like.  I bet it will be studded with diamonds!  That will be her first gown.  The one she will be married in.  Her reception gown will probably be something sexy and flirty.  I'm picturing something short so she can show off those scrawny knees and rug burns.  I'm smiling just thinking about it.  How sweet!  

All the world's VIPs will be in attendance.  Political leaders, celebrities, and anybody who is anybody will be there!  I wonder if Jeff invited any of the help?  You know ... all those Amazon workers that made him $223 billion dollars?  But I'm guessing he didn't.  Venice would not be able to accommodate all those Amazon workers.  It's just not big enough.  Oh well.  Maybe he will give them all huge bonuses.  What do you think?  

I'll tell you one thing.  I'd love to see that prenup!

I bet little Lauren Sanchez from Albuquerque never thought she'd grow up to be such a rich skank with three children from two baby daddies!  And then, the happiest of happy endings, she goes and marries one of the richest men in the world.  Wow.  Proof that dreams DO COME TRUE.  ESPECIALLY FOR SKANKS!  As long as Jeff keeps her in Diamonds and Botox, they'll have one happy marriage.           

WHAT A SHOW.

2025 MET GALA ...

 So, in this season of the haves and the have-nots, let's enjoy looking at how the haves enjoy their having.

Zendaya.  Adorbs.  She always nails it and she looks tres tres chic.  Grade:  A

Russell Wilson and Ciara.  Mhmmm.  I'm not really feeling her.  He looks quite dapper, but he could use a nose job.  

FKA Twigs.  Girlfriend looks like she just stepped out of the Roaring Twenties.  She's an odd-looking gal, but I love her look.  Grade:  A

Angela Bassett.  What in the Sam Hill are you wearing?!  You always nail it!  Did you fire your stylist?  Did you style yourself?  That hat, that hair, that outfit, that cane.  NO.  As much as I love you I cannot, in good conscience, give you an A.  This is an F-  

I don't want to see this mistake again. 

Nicole Kidman.  In the words of my friend Bob ... MEH.  Nothing special.  Grade:  C-

Justice Smith.  Now THIS is Met Gala showstopper.  Love it.  Grade:  A

Keke Palmer.  I love this little girl!  She is so cute!  And because I like her, she gets a A.

Vera Wang.  SIGH.  You know that saying 'you can't be too rich or too thin'?  Yeah, you CAN be too thin.  She not only needs to eat a sandwich, but she also needs a blood transfusion and about 120 pounds of extra flesh.

Tom Ford.  DAYUM!!  What a hot and elegant man.  Grade: AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!!

Maluma in a brocade Zoot Suit.  I'D DO HIM.  HA CHA CHA CHA!  Grade:  A

Tessa Thompson.  

I'm feeling Alice in Wonderland, the Mad Hatter, she's late, she's late!  For a very important date!  Grade: C

Shakira.  Hate the hair, hate the dress, hate the way she sings.

Myha'la Herrold.  She looks upside down.  I don't get it.  Grade:  F-

Monica Barbaro.  Very Karl Lagerfeld Chanel looking.  LOVE IT.

Grade:  A
 

Sofia Richie.  Very sweet.  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

Aimee Lou Wood.  Adorable, but those socks and flowers and shoes OH MY!  A tie and a jacket and a skirt OH MY!   OH NO. Grade:  F-

Class Couple.  Adrien Brody and Georgina Chapman.  Grade A.  Love him, love her, love them.

Jon Batiste.  LOVE HIM!!!!!  Grade:  A

Cole Escola.  I think I've met him in one of my nightmares.  EEEK.  

Louis Partridge.  What a cutie-pie!

Lorde.  Would like to have seen a nice red lip.  Grade:  A

Kelvin Harrison, Jr.  I'd do him too!  Grade:  A

Alex Consani.  I can dig it.  Grade:  A

Natasha Lyonne.  Come on Natasha, you know that high neck is bugging the shit outta you!  Grade:  C

Janelle Monae.  Don't know how she did it but she wore an album cover.

Hailey Beiber with the toes hanging over.  

Sydney Sweeney.  GORGEOUS!

OKAY Peeps.  That's it for now.  Mama is tired and I have to go to bed.  Hope you enjoyed!

ONE OF THOSE DAYS ...

Tuesday night I left my office at 5:30 pm and went to the parking garage, got into my car, put all my crap on the passenger seat, looked in the mirror on my visor, put on some lipstick, put on my seatbelt, and started the engine.  As I backed up my car felt weird and wobbly.  FUCK.  I have a flat.  This is the second flat I've had in the last three months!  It's now almost 6 pm.  I called Danny and then I called Triple A and they told me they could have a tow truck at my location at 6:45 pm.  Wonderful.  

So, I sit in my car and wait, and thank God I had my Kindle because I'd rather put a bullet in my head than stare into space with nothing to do for 45 minutes.  The tow truck driver called me when he got there.  He comes up to the third floor to look at my flat and tells me "oh, that's really flat.  You'll have to drive it down because I can't get the truck up here.  You'll have to drive VERY SLOWLY."  

So, I thump along VERY SLOWLY and get outside where he has the tow truck and he hooks up my car.  So I get in the truck.  I wanted to go to American Tire five minutes away but it was already closed so he says he knows of another tire shop about 15 to 20 minutes away.  So, I say OK.  We're driving along for a while when I finally ask the driver "where the hell is this place?"  It's up a little way.  So, the driver and I make small talk and he tells me about the first time he had to go to an accident on the freeway.  He saw a leg and a torso and other body parts and it was horrible.  So now we start talking about car accidents.  He tells me he once got in a bad accident on the freeway with his ex-wife going 70 mph.  They were fighting and she grabbed the wheel and they crashed.  She broke her arm, her leg and he got banged up pretty bad, blah blah blah.  Then he tells me his ex-wife was Mexican and I tell him that I'm Mexican too so don't say anything bad LOL!  He laughs and tells me I look like a white lady and then he tells me he is Arabic, which I totally knew because of his accent.

Finally we turn off on a little street and there, just up ahead on a corner is a tiny, little llanteria.  It looks like it is right in the middle of Tijuana and it is lit from above with a tiny light bulb hanging on a wire.  I tell myself this does not look good.   

The driver gets my car off the truck and I tell the guys there that I need a tire.  However, I have to stress that I could not understand their Spanish at all.  I have no idea where they were from but their Spanish was unintelligible.  Anyway, I call Danny and I let him talk to the guy and he says my tire needs to be replaced and he can sell me a new tire from the ACME Tire Store (sarcasm) and it will cost $130.  Danny says go ahead.  They remove the bad tire, show me how fucked up it is and then put the new tire on.  As I hand the boss my debit card he says they only take cash.  Or Zelle.  Of which I have neither.  I tell him this and he says to me "well, we can take the tire off."  DEDUCE:  The tow truck is long gone; I'm here all by myself; in the dark; in the cold; in the hood, and you want to take my tire off because I don't have $130 in CASH.  KILL ME.   

He then tells me that he will send one of his workers with me to go to the nearby 7/11 so I can get cash.  KILL ME AGAIN.  So, I figure, I gotta do this.  So this little guy gets in my car.  He's all of 4 feet tall wearing cowboy boots, a leather vest with no shirt and a kerchief (yes, a kerchief) and a cowboy hat.  I can only wonder what people were thinking as they saw us together in my car.  He directs me to the 7/11.  I get there, we both get out of my car and he waits outside while I go in.  I get to the ATM and three times try to withdraw $140, and three times I get this message:  "transaction invalid," W. THE ACTUAL FUCK!  I ask the little Indian man who works there if the ATM is working and OF COURSE he tells me that he is not responsible for the ATM .  He doesn't know anything about the ATM.  Of course he doesn't know anything about the ATM.  So I go back to my car, Jesus and I get in and I immediately start screaming and cursing a blue streak.  FUCK!!!  I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!  YOUR STUPID BOSS SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME HE ONLY TOOK CASH WHEN I FIRST GOT THERE!  WHAT AN ASSHOLE!  FUCK!  I'm pretty certain I was scaring the shit out of Jesus. 

Jesus remains quiet and then after I finally shut up tells me to go to Superior Market and they have an ATM.  So we go there.  Once again, we both get out of the car.  He waits outside and I go into the store go to the ATM and AGAIN try to withdraw cash and AGAIN get the "transaction invalid."  You know when the Universe just wants to fuck with you?  So I call Danny and tell him what the hell!  Is there no money in the checking account?  He says NO NO there's money in there.  He's pissed.  I'm pissed.  And now, after spending 40 minutes trying to find a place to get this asshole his money, I have to go back to the tire shop and tell him I have no money.  I get to the tire shop, tell him I couldn't get any money because my card wasn't working and I don't understand why.  He looks at me like I have three heads and tells me he can take the tire off.  This is what you call being between a rock and a fucking harder rock.  I call Danny.  He says stay there.  I'm coming to get you.  He's in Whittier, I'm in Santa Ana.  UGH.

So now it's freezing outside so I go sit in my car and then one of the boss's minions comes over and asks me for something of value to insure I will not take off with his $130 tire.  Well, I LOST MY SHIT.  I went over to the boss and screamed at him.  YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME I HAD TO PAY CASH WHEN I GOT HERE!  I LIVE 30 MILES AWAY!  IT'S FREEZING AND I'M GOING TO SIT IN MY CAR AND YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY THAT I HAVEN'T TAKEN OFF WITH YOUR STUPID TIRE ALREADY!!!!  Next thing I know, the minion has now jacked my car up so I can't leave.  

Finally Danny arrives.  It is now 9:30 pm.  He sees me sitting in the car, LOPSIDED because of the jack and asks the boss why the hell did you do that to her car?  What did you think?  She's going to rob your tire!  He then hands the guy $115 dollars.   Boss gets pissed off.  It was $130.  Danny says you should have told my wife you only dealt in cash when she got here!  She had to drive all over trying to get cash to pay for this tire and all you offered was to take the tire off!  Boss tells Danny "yo soy trabajador" - meaning I'm just a worker.  YEAH YEAH YEAH.  On and on it went.  Boss finally accepted the money, removed the jack from my car and off we went.  We didn't get home until 10:00 pm.

Next day we checked the tire.  It was the wrong size.  Too small.  I am now listing to the right.

GOD ... SOMETIMES I HATE PEOPLE.

THE 2025 ACADEMY AWARDS!

Emma Stone.  It's a beautiful gown but should have been in another color.  Grade:  A

Michelle Yeoh.  Tres Elegant.  Perfection in electric blue.  Grade:  A

Mikey Madsen.  Looking very Audrey Hepburn in pink and black with an up do.  I am really hoping she wins.  She was great in Anora.  Grade:  A

Margaret Qualley looking exquisite!  Just like a movie star.  Her hair evokes a beautiful 1960s glam.  Beautiful gown.  Loved it!  Grade: A+ winner winner winner!

Lupita!  OMG she always nails it! The gown is everything!  Grade: A+++ Winner Winner Winner!

Zoe Saldana.  I'm disappointed in this choice.  Not loving the balloon effect.  She needs a lot more makeup and she should have done something with her hair.  It looks so blah.  Grade:  C

Class Couple.  Miles Teller and his wife.  Is she the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!  Her gown is perfection, and her makeup is incredible.  Grade:  A+ 

Connie Neilsen.  Beautiful woman, love the gown, however that thigh could have used some self-tanner and I'm not feeling the emerald necklace.  Grade:  B-

Guy Pearce looking quite dapper.  

Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos.  Kelly likes like a bone.  Mark is gorgeous.  

Felicity Jones.  Very Audrey Hepburn.  She looks beautiful!  Makeup is perfection, and the look is elegance personified.  Grade:  A

Cynthia Erivo.  This gown is so her!  Over the top for sure!  Grade:  A

Selena Gomez looking like a winner already!  Grade:  A  

Demi Moore.  Looking like a winner.  Beautirful gown.  She is perfection.  Grade:  A

  

Charlotte Lawrence decided to wear her great-grandmother's wedding dress.  All she did was add some pink dye and a few ruffles, bows, sparkles and voila!  Grade:  F-

Mindy Kaling looking quite beautiful in silver.  Hair and makeup are perfection.  Grade: A

The beautiful Elle Fanning wears angelic white with a black ribbon.  Hair and makeup are beautiful, but I would have gone with chandelier earrings instead of the diamond choker.  Grade:  A.

Whoopie Goldberg.  H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E.  Grade:  F-

Julia Floch Carobel.  I like it!  Not a typical Oscar gown, but it works.  Grade: A 

This lady wore a chair.  Grade:  F-

Was she in Wicked?  Grade:  F-  There is just too much shit going on here.

Ariana Grande is wearing a waterfall.  It is unique and quite beautiful; however, I think Ariana needs to paint her eyebrows with more of an arch.  Her eyes look droopy and sad.  Grade B.  

A goth glamazon.  Love it!  Grade:  A

This dress is wearing her.  Her makeup is lacking, her hair is lacking, the whole look is a big fat minus.  

Uh, .... NO.

YOWZA!  Who are you?!

Dude ... this is definitely a Glamour don't.  No one wants to see chest hair or long baggy pants.  Sorry.  F-

I like it!  Sexy man in a sexy suit.  Grade:  A

Julianne Hough.  Girlfriend usually nails it, but this falls a little flat.  Love the hair and makeup, though this gown should have been another color.  Grade:  C

Pretty silver and white ensemble.  Don't know who she is but I like the gown.  

A very pretty ballerina gown.  Love it.  Grade: A

Fernanda.  Gorgeous gown with a mom hairdo.  

Hun, nothing will happen if you smile.  It's ok.

Miley Cyrus.  No matter what she wears she always manages to look slutty.   

And Halle Berry looking like a Queen.  Girl always nails it.  Grade:  A++++

Adrian Brody and Georgina Chapman.  Class Couple.  He looks dapper she looks gorgeous.  Grade:  A+++

Well, that's it folks!  If I missed any your favorites, sorry.  Until next year!