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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

IN LIGHT OF THE CURRENT ELECTION CYCLE ...

I thought I'd repost a little ditty I wrote back in 2011.  I wrote a funny little post about my running for president which I thought was hilarious although there were some who called me Socialist. 







Repost - 2011





So after much thought and serious consideration I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for President (hell, if (Michelle Bachman and Donald Trump can do it then so can I). I am running for the Truth, Freedom and Fairness Party and this is what I'm gonna do for YOU! 
 

1. No wars. EVER.




2. Tax the excrement out of all rich bankers/CEOs and Wall Street billionaires (no excuses, no tax loopholes/tax shelters or write-off's, EVER. You will pay 50% income tax on all of your earnings in full, every year, WITHOUT QUESTION, for the rest of your lives. Thank you. (happy face)




3. No taxes, EVER for any working stiff. They've paid enough taxes to last the next five decades. Under my Presidency, all working Joe's will get a big fat break including 4 weeks of paid vacation every year and sick days when you're sick. And NO MORE "AT WILL" employment or "RIGHT TO WORK" states EVER.
 
4. Wall Street - next time you get into a jam ... YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. PERIOD.





5. All the jobs that have been "outsourced" must come back to the United States IMMEDIATELY and all super, wealthy CEO's who sold out America by outsourcing jobs will now have to hire American workers at no less than $30 an hour, provide medical/dental and vision insurance, long term disability and also provide a cost of living raise EVERY YEAR for EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE. PERIOD. (Watch how fast the economy picks up!  Your little pinheads will spin).

6. All monies (taxes) that have been used to fund the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya
(and God knows where else cause you know all these politicians lie like a bunch of rugs) must be refunded to every single taxpayer with a letter of apology and a complete accounting of what every penny was used for. IN DETAIL.




7. The draft will be re-instituted. However, we will not take the young. The young will be provided with free college educations and/or training in the area of whatever their heart's may desire. The draft will now consist of rich, fat, flag-waving, right wing Americans who so love America ... now, YOU CAN PROVE IT. We will start with the TV and radio personalities, Limbaugh, Beck, O'Reilly, Coulter, etc.) You fuckers go fight for a while - lose a limb, an eye, a ball ... I don't give a crap. And, upon your return, when you are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome ... TOO BAD. No aid for you. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and deal with it.




8. Women will now make more money than men. FOREVER. And no sexual harassment of any kind will be tolerated EVER. PERIOD. END OF STORY. Furthermore, any trial or mediation that may result from a sexual harassment charge, the "Harasser" will heretofore be considered GUILTY until proven INNOCENT. Put that in you pipes and smoke it ... assholes.
 


9. ANYONE caught lying/bribing/cheating/stealing/whoring will be banned from public office. FOREVER. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. And get some therapy ... on your own dime you jerk-offs.


10. And last but not least, lunch at all places of employment, from now on will now be two hours long. You've worked hard all your lives .... enjoy your lunch dammit!



SO ... COME ON EVERYBODY! WHOSE WITH ME?!
   








SEE!  HILARIOUS RIGHT?!   

FOR THIS ELECTION CYCLE I WILL ADD THE FOLLOWING TO MY PLATFORM:


1.  Instead of ousting and denying Muslims entry into this country, I’m going to oust all rich, white, billionaires, CEO’s, hedge fund managers, and  bankers who are currently living in the United States and send them off to the countries where they're hiding all their illegally earned cash.



2.  I’m going to carpet bomb (well, maybe area rug bomb) Trump Tower, Wall Street, and all Walmarts, and if innocent people die … oh well. 


3.  I’m going to make all the cowardly, rich, white, right wing conservatives who were YELLOW during the Vietnam war (e.g., Donald Trump, Dick Cheney, George W., Rush Limbaugh, Mitt Romney, and just for good measure I'm going to throw in Ted Cruz, Mike Pence and Chris Christie) and send them all to Afghanistan.  Stay there for about a year.  Absorb.  Then … I want you to write me a paper in 1,000 words or less, about how you really feel about “boots on the ground.”


4.  I want Trump and Cruz to build the wall separating Mexico from the U.S.  And I mean the two of them alone.  Yes.  You read correctly.  Donald and Ted.  You guys buy the bricks, get the mortar, build the wall.  And Donald, since you're very VERY rich (as you love to keep reminding everyone) the cost of this undertaking should be just a drop in the bucket for a gazillionaire like you.  You can pay for all the supplies.  [insert happy face here].  I know it's daunting, but it will make you the darling of the Tea Party, so look at it as labor well invested. 

And, last but not least ...



5.  I  want all of you to study the Constitution and report to me (with citations and references) all instances where it says that you can BOMB anyone, anywhere, anytime. 



Thank you.

SO ... WHOSE WITH ME?!

IN LIGHT OF THE CURRENT ELECTION CYCLE ...

I thought I'd repost a little ditty I wrote back in 2011.  I wrote a funny little post about my running for president which I thought was hilarious although there were some who called me Socialist.  (insert happy face here)



Repost - 2011



So after much thought and serious consideration I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for President (hell, if (Michelle Bachman and Donald Trump can do it then so can I). I am running for the Truth, Freedom and Fairness Party and this is what Imona do for YOU!

1. No wars. EVER.


2. Tax the excrement out of all rich bankers/CEOs and Wall Street billionaires (no excuses, no tax loopholes/tax shelters or write- off's, EVER. You will pay 50% income tax on all of your earnings in full, every year, WITHOUT QUESTION, for the rest of your lives. Thank you. (happy face)


3. No taxes, EVER for any working stiff. They've paid enough taxes to last the next five decades. Under my Presidency, all working Joe's will get a big fat break including 4 weeks of paid vacation every year and sick days when you're sick. And NO MORE "AT WILL" employment or "RIGHT TO WORK" states EVER.
4. Wall Street - next time you get into a jam ... YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. PERIOD.



5. All the jobs that have been "outsourced" must come back to the United States IMMEDIATELY and all super, wealthy CEO's who sold out America by outsourcing jobs will now have to hire American workers at no less than $30 an hour, provide medical/dental and vision insurance, long term disability and also provide a cost of living raise EVERY YEAR for EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE. PERIOD. (Watch how fast the economy picks up and people start spending money your little pinheads will spin).


6. All monies (taxes) that have been used to fund the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya
(and God knows where else cause you know all these politicians lie like a bunch of rugs) must be refunded to every single taxpayer with a letter of apology and a complete accounting of what every penny was used for. IN DETAIL.


7. The draft will be re-instituted. However, we will not take the young. The young will be provided with free college educations and/or training in the area of whatever their heart's may desire. The draft will now consist of rich, fat, flag-waving, right wing Americans who so love America ... now, YOU CAN PROVE IT. We will start with the TV and radio personalities, Limbaugh, Beck, O'Reilly, Coulter, etc.) You fuckers go fight for a while - lose a limb, an eye, a ball ... I don't give a crap. And, upon your return, when you are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome ... TOO BAD. No aid for you. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and deal with it.


8. Women will now make more money than men. FOREVER. And no sexual harassment of any kind will be tolerated EVER. PERIOD. END OF STORY. Furthermore, any trial or mediation that may result from a sexual harassment charge, the "Harasser" will heretofore be considered GUILTY until proven INNOCENT. Put that in you pipes and smoke it ... assholes.


9. ANYONE caught lying/bribing/cheating/stealing/whoring will be banned from public office. FOREVER. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. And get some therapy ... on your own dime you jerk-offs.


10. And last but not least, lunch at all places of employment, from now on will now be two hours long. You've worked hard all your lives .... enjoy your lunch dammit!



SO ... COME ON EVERYBODY! WHOSE WITH ME?!
   








 SEE!  HILARIOUS RIGHT?!   

Can you believe there were some people who actually thought I was serious?  It must be awfully sad to go through life without a sense of humor.  

So, since we are now in another election cycle I thought I'd come up with a few new ideas and yes  ...  throw my hat in the ring once again!

SO!  America ... here’s what I’m gonna do for you!

1.  Instead of ousting and denying Muslims entry into this country, I’m going to oust all rich, white, billionaires, CEO’s, hedge fund managers, and  bankers who are currently living in the United States and send them off to … well, I don’t know where yet, but, in the words of Donald Trump ... THEY'RE OUTTA HERE!!

2.  I’m going to carpet bomb (well, maybe area rug bomb) ... like Ted Cruz wants to do, Trump Tower, Wall Street, and all Walmart's, and if innocent people die … oh well. 

3.  I’m going to make all the cowardly, lazy, rich, white, right wing conservatives who were YELLOW during the Vietnam war (e.g., Donald Trump, Dick Cheney, George W., Rush Limbaugh, Mitt Romney, and just for good measure I'm going to throw in Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and Chris Christie) and I'm going to send you all to Afghanistan.  Stay there for about a year.  Absorb.  Then … I want you to write me a paper in a 1,000 words or less, about how you really feel about “boots on the ground.”

4.  I want Trump and Cruz to build the wall separating Mexico from the U.S.  And I mean the two of them alone.  Yes.  You read correctly.  Donald and Ted.  You guys buy the bricks, get the mortar, build the wall.  And Donald, since you're very VERY rich (as you love to keep reminding everyone) the cost of this undertaking should be just a drop in the bucket for a gazillionaire like you.  You can pay for all the supplies.  [insert happy face here].  I know it's daunting, but it will make you the darling of the Tea Party so look at it as labor well invested. 

And, last but not least ...

5.  I  want all of you to study the Constitution and report to me (with citations and references) all instances where it says that you can BOMB anyone, anywhere, anytime. 

Thank you.

SO ... WHOSE WITH ME?!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

SO ....

I was sitting at my desk listening to Luther Vandross on You Tube.  I was listening to Luther Vandross because my boss, whose office is right outside my desk, is SO FREAKING LOUD when he's on the phone that even with the door closed I can hear every single word he is screaming into his phone and I cannot hear myself think.  SO, I had to drown him out somehow.  I raised the volume on my radio but then I had a loud radio and a loud boss to deal with.  I grabbed my ear buds, and plugged into my Ipod but it was dead - ugh ... so I jumped on to YouTube and plugged in and went straight to the King of the Slow Jams Luther Vandross.  As I was drifting in and out of 1985 I got to thinking ... what are young kids today going to recall when they think of their youth?  What romantic memories will they have?  How can you possibly get all soft and nostalgic to “Bitch Better Have My Money?”

Today’s kids will know NOTHING of romance.  They will never know the magic of a first kiss.  The romance of a slow dance.  And if they do, it will be to some hardcore rapping shit while they mutually twerk.  Disgusting. 



I am SO GLAD I was young when I was young …


Let’s take a listen shall we … 






TELL IT TO THE JUDGE ...


In June I was clocked doing an astounding 10 miles over the speed limit.  I was doing 45 mph in a 35 mph zone.  So yeah.  OK.  I was speeding.  BUT I was merely trying to pass the A-hole in front of me who was driving SO SLOW he was going to make me late for my bus.  (I've often wondered why it is that certain people choose to drive 20 miles BELOW the speed limit.  In my opinion, if you want to go that slow why the hell don't you just walk?)

So I pass Mr. Tortoise and, OF COURSE, I get popped by a motorcycle cop.  F**K!!!  The city I live in (which shall remain nameless) has a cop on every corner ... LITERALLYIt is a known fact that if you are going to drive through this city you'd better OBEY ALL TRAFFIC LAWS or you WILL get a ticket.  These cops have their regular spots and you see the same deputies over and over.  There they sit on their motorcycles radar guns in hand facing all the oncoming traffic while they hide behind a tree/car/sign/truck/dumpster, etc., et al.  They are so predictable that Dan will often text me ..."FYI ... Deputy Dog is on Gallatin Road."
  




So I get my letter in the mail from the court with instructions of where to report etc., et al.  I originally asked for an extension because I had too much crap going on and no extra money.  For those of you who are lucky enough NOT to live in California a speeding ticket is anywhere from $300 to $500, not to mention another fee of approximately $40 to attend traffic school if you don’t want your insurance to go up.  A speeding ticket in California can really set you back.

My court date arrived and I took the day off because I knew that if I tried to leave the office with enough time to get to the courthouse SOMETHING would go wrong and I would be late.  Also, another helpful piece of advice .... Wherever you go ANYWHERE in this city you must leave at least ONE HOUR prior to the time you are supposed to be at your destination.  It does not matter if your destination is five miles away or 50 miles away.  IT WILL TAKE YOU ONE HOUR TO GET THERE.  Period.


With that in mind, I did not leave with enough time.  Also, after diligently entering my destination into my phone GPS to make sure I got where I needed to be without any hiccups, I dashed off to my car and promptly lost said phone.  I began digging through my purse, nothing.  Searched the floor of the car, nothing.  I looked everywhere.  I COULD NOT LOCATE MY PHONE.  It was in my hand two seconds ago.  Now it has disappeared.  Like magic.  I go back into the condo to look.  NOWHERE.  I HAD IT IN MY HAND!!  See?  Shit that goes wrong.  (fyi … when I got home I found it lying face down between the sofa and the coffee table … which is NOWHERE near where I had it.)  





I knew how to get to Imperial Hwy where the courthouse is but I didn’t know whether I’d need to make a left or a right onto Imperial.  I gotta go!  I’ll figure it out when I get there.  I was going to jump on the freeway but then remembered I live in California and I forgot to pack a lunch.  So I jumped onto Paramount Blvd. which usually has less traffic.  I speed down Paramount which seemed endless and then I started wondering if I'd passed Imperial and wasn't aware or was Imperial still up ahead???  But FINALLY, I reach Imperial where upon I had a decision to make.  Do I turn left, or do I turn right.  I turned left … which naturally, was the wrong direction.  I must now make a U-turn.  This could take anywhere from three minutes to fifteen.  I get in the left hand turn lane and wait while twelve thousand cars come speeding in my direction.  After a substantial wait, it is clear for me to proceed and not risk life and limb by getting creamed in a car accident.  I turn and SPEED down the street.  Find the courthouse, turn into the parking lot where I soon realize that there is NO PARKING.  ANYWHERE.  (Again … the unforeseen).   Oh look!  A parking spot!  Eureka!  I pull in and park and then I see a sign with big red letters that says NO PARKING HERE YOU FUCKIN’ LOSER.  Fuck.  I now have to venture further and further away from my destination.  But the good news is, that even though I was a mile from the courthouse, I got my exercise in for the day.        
 


I was ON TIME.  However, in my rush to get into the courthouse, I forgot to get my proof of insurance from the glove box.  I go into courthouse where there are several security guards basically standing around doing nothing.  One of them directs me to put my purse and sunglasses into the plastic bin and pass through the bomb detector.  I then head to the clerk’s office to pay my ticket and am informed that I am due to appear in Department 1.  "What?  I just want to pay my ticket."  Clerk:  "Sorry.  You have to see the judge." 

So, off I go to Department 1.  I and am instructed by the bailiff (who is looking down at her paperwork) to take a seat.  On the right of the room is a block of seats,  all of which are taken except for the first two rows.  In the center of the room is a block of seats which are empty.  What would you do?  RIGHT.   I head towards the empty block of seats when the bailiff yells out, "ANYWHERE EXCEPT THE CENTER BLOCK OF SEATS OR THE FIRST TWO EMPTY ROWS ON THE RIGHT!" 


So here’s what I’m thinking.  WHY, for fucks sake, do you say to take a seat and then when my ass is just about to reach the chair you yell out NOT THERE!  But then I remember where I am.  A court of law that deals with mostly youthful offenders who can barely read.  Any moron would realize that in a court of law an empty section of seats absolutely screams DO NOT SIT HERE.  As for the two empty rows up front on the right I wanted to ask "WHY CAN'T I JUST SIT THERE?  But thought better of it.
 
So I squeeze into a seat that a young kid full of tattoos gave me. He moves over so I can take his seat.  Thanks hon.  “So” I say “what’d you do?”  I tell him to always, ALWAYS obey the law because then you won’t have to deal with crap like this and be treated like a moron.  He chuckles to himself.  I am the oldest person in the room.
 
Bayliff calls my name.  I go up and she asks me for my proof of insurance WHICH I DON’T HAVE.  So now I have to go get it from my car which is two miles away and come back.  Kill me.  

After a lengthy trek, I get back, give her my proof of registration and sit back down to wait while everyone one goes before the judge (I am the last person to speak) … half these guys didn’t come to their first court appearance because they were “incarcerated” at the time.  It was amazing the excuses I had to listen to.  But, all in all, I got away for a mere $261.00 for which I was so grateful I almost did a cartwheel.  The nice judge lowered my bail.  Thank you your Honor.  

And THAT is my story about going to court. 


Thank you.


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