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Thursday, July 14, 2016

NINE THINGS MEN HATE HEARING FROM THEIR WIVES


I read this little gem in The Huffington Post.  

1. “Nevermind, I’ll just do it myself.”
Marriage pro tip:  When you ask your spouse to call the plumber to fix the sink, give him a chance to do it. Rolling your eyes and saying, “nevermind, I’ll do it myself” may result in you getting your sink fixed sooner, but it’s also likely to rub your spouse the wrong way.

I agree.  I don’t know why these ladies get their panties in a twist.  What’s wrong with waiting a couple months or years?  It’ll get done eventually and THAT is the point.  

2. “You should have known.”
You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect your hubby to decipher every last gesture and statement you make, said Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist based in Pasadena, California.  “Women become upset when their husbands can’t read between the lines or read their minds but guys are notoriously poor mind readers,” he said. “Wives will save themselves a lot of grief if they can come to accept this and just ask for what they want.” 

I agree.  Next time my husband’s ex-wife calls up and asks him if he can “do her a favor” and he just immediately says “yes” without asking me I won’t get upset.  I mean what’s the big deal?  She was his first wife, therefore her needs should come first, right?
(p.s.  I love my husband's ex-wife.  What I don't love is when he forgets to check with me about important stuff!)

3. “Do you think she’s hot?”
Do you really want to know your husband’s thoughts about an attractive woman? Probably not ― plus, you’re putting your spouse in an uncomfortable, no-win situation, said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men“Most men have already identified the pretty women in the room; if he’s trying to respect you then he should be already trying not to look, so you pointing her out will only make him more self-conscious, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do to not upset you or hurt your feelings,” he said. 

Oddly enough this does not bother me.  If my husband wants to leave me for a “hot” chick good luck.  First, she's going to want to procreate and then stay home.  And I seriously doubt that she will clean the oily urine stains from the bottom of the toilet bowl.  Good luck with that.

4. “We need to talk.” 
No four words strike fear into a married man’s heart quite like “we need to talk.” Opt for something less ominous sounding the next time you bring up an issue, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a therapist and author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted“The phrase ‘we need to talk’ is often a signal that the wife has complaints or criticism about the husband,” she said. “He assumes he somehow failed you and withdraws, creating a disconnect, which is the exact opposite of what you were trying to accomplish.”

I think No. 4 should be when the husband asks the wife “What do you want to do?”  In my case for instance, this means that even though the husband is asking you “what do you want to do” what he really means is he’s giving you the opportunity to tell him what you want to do even though he knows that y'all are going to do what HE wants to do anyway.  Therefore, when your husband asks you "what do you want to do?" you should just accept the fact that you are not going to do what YOU want to do.  It’s easier than sticking a fork in his head.  Because you know damn well his skull is as thick as cement and that fork will never penetrate it.  

5. “Man up.”
Seriously? There’s no right or wrong way to be a man. For your spouse’s sake, let your gender expectations go and try to have a civil conversation. 

“Telling your spouse to ‘man up’ is a brutal attack on his core identity,” Howes said. “It’s a statement loaded with contempt and shame and could create relationship damage that will be difficult to heal.” 

I NEVER tell my man to “man up”.  I say this because I have accepted the fact that though he is a old fart, in his mind he is a 15 year old boy.  Accepting this will save the wife tons of aggravation.

6. “Pick up after yourself. I’m not your mother.”  
There are better ways to encourage your spouse to put his dirty socks in the hamper than telling him you’re tired of feeling like his mom.

“Bringing up mom piles baggage onto what’s probably already a loaded situation,” Smith said. “Many men are sensitive about their relationship with their mother, so suggesting he still wants or needs his mom is not a way to encourage him to change behavior you don’t like.”

If men are sensitive to their relationships with their mothers they need to get over it and just do what the wives say.  It’s very simple.  Underwear does not go on the floor.  In order to combat this problem I simply pick up his dirty underwear and hang in on the front doorknob.  If I have to see it, then the entire world has to see it. 

7. “You never, you should have, you ought to...”
Sorry, but chiding your spouse about how he never does the dishes (or takes out the trash or drives the kids to school) isn’t likely to inspire change, Berger said.  “Saying someone ‘never’ does something leaves no wiggle room for improvement ― it’s like casting a fault of his in stone,” she said. “It’s much better to say, ‘I’d appreciate it if you would empty the dishwasher tonight,’ for example. And when he does, thank him and you can expect more help in the future.” 

No wife wants to tell her husband the above.  HOWEVER, see answer to No. 5 above.  Remember, emotionally he is 15.  And why the hell do I have to THANK him for emptying the dishwasher?  I do that 50 fucking times a day.  GET A SPINE.


8. “You’ve put on a few pounds lately, huh?” 
Instead of pointing out changes in your spouse’s appearance, be supportive and tell him you’d love if he joined you at your cycle class sometime, said Becky Whetstone, a Little Rock, Arkansas-based therapist“Insinuating that his body is not like it once was will shrink his confidence  ― and he’ll probably up his calorie intake just to spite you!”

Unfortunately, my husband is a work out fanatic who burns calories like a furnace and can still wear bikini underwear size medium.  I, on the other hand, have turned into a hog.  And bless his heart, he doesn’t criticize.

9. “You’re going out with the guys again?”
Don’t look at Fantasy Football meet-ups and golf trips as threats to your marriage. It’s quite the opposite, actually; some time apart will likely do your relationship good, Howes said.  “Yes, sometimes a guy’s night is just an excuse to drink and fart but for many guys these are crucial times to connect, seek advice, get support and express some important emotions,” he said. “Wives who feel threatened by this or forbid their husband from attending may be cutting off a vital support system.”  The biggest bonus of guy time, according to Howes? “There’s a good chance he’ll actually be a better husband if he can compare notes with other husbands and dads.” 

My husband doesn’t do this too often.  But when he does, I do not feel threatened.  I'd rather have him drink and fart somewhere else than my home.  He does, however spend HOURS AND HOURS recreating.  So the gym and his bicycle are his other woman and I can’t really complain about that.

Thoughts ladies?

  

Sunday, May 22, 2016

YOU'RE NOT A YOUNG MAN ... BABY

Yet another adventure in Dannyland ...

SO, the plan was to go to the Ensenada/Rosarito Bike race the weekend of Danny's 62nd birthday.  The last time Danny went to Mexico was around 2010.  That weekend he was robbed of his phone, wallet, etc., et al., and it was basically a nightmare trying to locate where the hell he was.  Everytime I called his cell someone answered it but all I could hear was Mariachi music in the background.  Had he been kidnapped?  Was he being held for ransome?  Was his head on a stick along a highway?  Don't laugh ... it's crazy down there.  So when he arrived safe and sound, even though it was sans cell phone and credit cards, I told him that he would never EVER be allowed to go to Mexico again.  PERIOD.  


As is Danny's way he bugged and bugged and bugged and bugged and bugged and BUGGED THE SHIT OUTTA me to let him go to the bike race this year.  He cajoled, pleaded, begged, he promised gifts.  You have no idea how relentless a desperate man can be when he wants something.  Finally, I gave in.  It was either that or put a bullet in my head.  Besides, it was going to be a family weekend with lots of friends and I WOULD BE THERE to make sure he didn't lose his wallet, his phone, his bike, his mind, his head.  

Enter the UNFORESEEN.  My dear aunt passed away the week before we were to travel to Mexico.  As fate would have it, her memorial was scheduled for Danny's birthday, May 6, the day we were to leave for Mexico.  OF.  COURSE.
So, he goes to Mexico, I fly to Arizona to attend the service.

I call him when I arrive and the phone goes straight to voicemail.  FUCK.  I KNOW.  I ALREADY KNOW something is not right.  I call and call and the phone goes to voicemail all day Friday and all day Saturday ... no answer.  I cannot tell you how livid and worried I am.  THIS IS JUST LIKE DANNY.  That phone could be ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  My house, his car, a bathroom stall, a counter top, the Grand Canyon ... ANYWHERE.    

My trip was quick. Fly out Friday, fly home Saturday.  His trip, leave Friday, return Sunday.  I get home around 4 pm on Saturday.  I try calling him again.  Same result.  UGH.  If there's anything I hate it's hunting my husband down.  I hate feeling like a paranoid wife but what can I tell you, I'm a paranoid wife.  I leave voice mails AND texts with two friends who are with him.  No one returns my call or texts.  Oh shit.  Something is seriously wrong.  Around 10 pm I get a text that says ... "Hi.  We're coming home.  See you in a few hours."  WTF.  He's not due to come home until tomorrow.  What the hell is up?  I call his friend and he answers!  He gives the phone to DannyI wanted to scream at him but was so relieved he was on the phone and alive I just asked him what was going on?  "Well" he says "here's the thing.  I wrecked and cracked three ribs."  In my mind I'm like of course you cracked your ribs.  What else?  I questioned him about a planned trip we are scheduled to make the following week to the Philippines for our daughter's wedding.  He says he's going to see what the doctor says.  

Long story longer, he doesn't get home until 3:30 am looking HORRIBLE.  I should have rushed him to the ER right then but I was so F****ING mad at him for (1) not having someone contact me about his accident (his accident happened at 10 am Saturday morning!  I didn't learn anything about it until 10 pm that night) and (2) keeping me in the dark because he was afraid of what I'd do, that when he stumbled up the stairs wrapped in gauze and looking like he wanted to die I was so tempted to punch him in the face but instead just turned over and went to sleep.   

The following morning we went to the ER in The United States of America where they immediately did a CT scan, x-rays, drew blood and shot a dye into his veins to see if he had any internal bleeding in his chest.  He had three broken ribs, a broken collar bone, a broken scapula (shoulder blade) AND A BROKEN FINGER.  Naturally, we weren't able to go to the Philippines, lost money there, and I've spent my two week vacation taking care of him.  Here's the complaint.  All he watches on T.V. is SNAPPED, Anthony Bourdain, and other various cooking and murder shows.  I'M LOSING MY MIND ALREADY. 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

PRINCE .... R.I.P.

I cannot tell you how MUCH I LOVED Prince.  My one regret in life is that I never saw him perform live.  He was a true artist in every sense of the word.  A talent, a genius, a master showman.  There are not many artists like Prince left.  Bowie is gone ... it's just so sad when the artists of your youth pass.  

In the early 1980's when I was about 25 I was dating a douche who worked the door of a private club in Beverly Hills.  I saw lots of famous people there.  I met O.J. Simpson there (arrogant prick), saw Rick James, and .... PRINCE.  The whole room was buzzing.  Girls in the bathroom were whispering "OMG Prince is here!"   

I remember what I was wearing.  A long sleeved tight pink top with black polka dots and a short, black skirt (sounds stupid I know, but trust me ... it was very cute) ... My hair was big and wild and the eyeliner was heavy ... just like Prince's.

There he was.  All by himself, leaning against a wall, with a drink in hand wearing all purple.  I locked eyes with him for just a few seconds and then looked away.  I was never very bold in these types of situations, but I've often wondered what would have happened if I'd approached him or, at least given him a smile.  Who knows????  It could have been me instead of Apollonia.  

Now he's gone.  It felt just like when Bowie died. I literally almost cried.  I felt such sadness ... such shock.  But I do cherish the memory of having once been in a room with him.  

I know he was a very spiritual person.  So I would imagine that death is something he did not fear and probably welcomed ... he is onto the next journey ... eternity.  So rest in peace Prince.  And I hope I see you when I get there. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

THE STORY ABOUT THE TIME I WORKED FOR THE BRIDE OF SATAN ...

An ugly reality about the corporate world that needs to be discussed is women.

Women (aka secretaries and staff) have not come a long way baby in the corporate world.  The gals who have come a long way are the mucky muck partners and other female attorneys and/or high level executives.  Secretarial staff are drones.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They have been known to type up kid’s homework, cancel ballet lessons, wrap Xmas presents, go down to the parking garage and “get that box out of my car”, etc., etc., etc.  And though it pains me to say such things about my own gender, it is the honest truth that most secretaries would rather stick needles in their eyes than work for a female partner. 

Dulcinea Bradley was one such female partner.  Ironically, Dulcinea in Spanish means sweet.  She wasn’t.  She reminded me of the asexual character Pat on Saturday Night Live.  You couldn’t tell if she was a man or a woman.  Dulcinea had short black hair, wore wire rimmed glasses and had a corn-fed Midwestern look.  Her usual style of dress consisted of a pair of khaki pants that were usually chewed up by her butt crack which she wore with a basic white Oxford shirt that she belted and tucked in high at the waist.  She was, as a Southerner would say “a big ol gal.”  Dulcinea was really loud and had a high pitched, cackling laugh that conjured up images of flying monkeys.  In short, she scared the hell out of the staff.  Her long suffering secretary Sandy was a friend of mine and she was treated horribly by this woman.  For a visual, picture Edith Bunker with Archie yelling right in her face all day long. 

Dulcinea inspired fear into everyone at the firm, including partners.  Unfortunately she was a rainmaker which gave her unlimited freedom to behave like a tyrant.  After working for this monster for many years poor Sandy had finally had enough and was transferred to another desk which left Dulcinea without a secretary.  Now some poor floater was going to have to work for her.  That poor floater was me. 

The first week I sat at that desk she sent me an email.  Within the time it took for her to hit send on her computer she had stormed over to my desk and within inches from my face, finger pointing at my keyboard she screamed “OPEN YOUR EMAIL!  OPEN YOUR EMAIL!”  She had gotten her panties in a twist because I had not responded to her email within the 2 seconds it took for it to travel from her computer to mine, hence the hissy fit at my desk.  The entire outburst took place while I was on the phone taking a message (hence, my not immediately reading her email).  When I hung up I looked at her and very calmly said ... “I can hear you.”  This was grounds for a sit down with Human Resources where I was informed that Dulcinea NEVER, EVER WANTED ME TO COVER HER DESK AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE LIVED and into my personnel file went another write up.  After I was banned for life from working for her, the next unfortunate soul was Gabe.  Gabe was an excellent secretary, however this was irrelevant.  Once, when Dulcinea placed several pencils in her “out box” and they were still sitting there two days later she literally had a shit hemorrhage and screamed at Gabe for not sharpening her pencils.  Unfortunately, Gabe had forgotten to read her mind that day otherwise he would have realized that leaving the pencils in the out box meant that she wanted him to sharpen them.  Fact:  if you want your pencils sharpened, perhaps telling your secretary “hey, do you think you can sharpen my pencils?” would suffice.  NO.  This is not how it went down.  Gabe and Dulcinea went to WAR and it was the office talk for weeks.  “How was he supposed to know she wanted him to sharpen her pencils!?” “Would you have sharpened them?”  “Hell no, let her sharpen her own pencils!” and on and on it went with secretaries taking sides and everyone in the firm weighing in.    OK … I just have to stop right here and remind you all that we are talking about one of the largest, most prestigious law firms IN THE WORLD, and this is the kind of shit that was going on all the time.  … Corporate America at its finest.   

I cannot stress to you how awful this woman was.  So in my mind I thought of a brilliant payback fantasy …

I would send her, anonymously of course, a gigantic vibrator with a sweet
note …   

Dearest Dulcinea,

It has been medically proven that use of this apparatus has many health benefits.  It is a proven tension reliever and many believe it can also aide in instilling a calmer demeanor.  With proper usage you should achieve orgasm quite regularly.  This will make you rather tired, but in a good way.  With regular use you will find you have less stress and more friends.  For maximum benefit use once or twice a week, batteries not included. 

Love,
A Concerned Friend

I eventually did get payback … sort of ... and it was better than the vibrator idea.  The legal community in Los Angeles is small.  Everyone knows everyone and the fates being what they are and karma being a bitch and all, Miss Dulcinea left the biggest, most prestigious law firm in the world a few years later and interviewed at the firm I was now working at.  I was working for a corporate finance partner at the time and watched in amazement as Dulcinea was ushered into Arthur’s office.  OMG I thought. ... that's Dulcinea Bradley!  After their meeting I walked into his office …

Me:  “Was that Dulcinea Bradley?” 
Arthur:  “Yes.”
Me:  “I used to work for her.”
Arthur:  “You did?” 
Me:  “Yes.  She’s the biggest bitch I ever met in my life.”
Arthur:  “Yeah.  You can tell.”
Me:  “I wouldn’t hire her.  She’s poison.”


She didn’t get the job.  Next time you might want to think twice about who you’re yelling at lady. 
I don’t profess to have had any power over the decision to hire her or not, but it sure felt good to be able to put my two cents in regarding a horrible woman who made my life hell, even if it was only for two weeks. 
Lesson to be learned:   
 BE NICE DAMMIT!!  
(or you may receive a vibrator in the mail) 


Friday, April 8, 2016

DANNYLAND ...

Danny has this disgusting habit of brushing his teeth and then rinsing his toothbrush and leaving it ALL WET in the toothbrush thing.  (See photo belowA roll of toilet paper he sets on the counter like a cup and then sticks his toothbrush in the middle of it) ... what a genius huh? 

The point?  A disgusting, wet toothbrush will collect bacteria and mosquitoes and it's disgusting and filthy.  It drives me crazy.  Does he stop?  NO.  


What you're supposed to do is brush, rinse with HOT water and then DRY THE BRUSH THOROUGHLY ... THEN put it in the toothbrush thing.  IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

And how hard is it to take the yogurt OUT of the plastic bag?  


  God forbid he break a sweat. 


 Also, he never EVER closes a drawer, a cabinet, or a door ... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Don't you HATE when your husband makes hamburgers ...




*sigh* ... my life. 

Friday, March 11, 2016

OPEN LETTER TO KIM KARDASHIAN ...


So ....


Apparently Kim penned a "powerful essay on nudity and empowerment" on The Huffington Post.


Dear Kim,

Empowerment?  Girl, you are IN LOVE with yourself.  Seriously.  IN.  LOVE.  WITH.  YOURSELF.  This is called narcissism, not empowerment.  And you have infected an entire generation of young women with the same personality disorder.  I cannot go anywhere without watching girls everywhere taking pictures of themselves.  I find it incredibly tiresome, annoying and yes, destructive.  In my day this behavior was called conceit.

You have big tits and a big ass.  Big whup.  Honey, I can walk down the street any day of the week and find young girls more beautiful than you who do not flash their tits in everyone's face.  Young girls who are TRULY empowered.  You know why?  Because they have REAL jobs.  They are educated, smart, possess healthy self-esteem and dignity, and they earn their money with their brains, not their va-jay-jays.


In a few years no one will remember you or care about you.  Right now you are the IT girl.  But you won't always be the IT girl.  Trust me.  There have been countless IT girls before you whom your generation wouldn't know and they were EXTREMELY FAMOUS in their day and the paparazzi hounded them just like they hound you and your ridiculous sisters, and now ... they're all pretty much forgotten.  And guess what else?  THEY GOT OLD.  Yeah.  They did. 

1.  Bo Derek.  The press hounded her constantly.  They followed her and
     her Svengali husband John Derek night and day.  She was the shit back 
     in the 1970's and now ... you never see her.
She was BEAUTIFUL

Bo today.  Older yes, but still a beauty.
 
2.  Farrah Fawcett.  Same thing as Bo.  Farrah was married to a very
     famous T.V. star Lee Majors.  She was then cast in Charlie's Angels
     and fuggedaboutit!  She became SUPER DUPER FAMOUS and the
     press followed her nonstop.  When she divorced Lee Majors to be with
     Ryan O'Neal (also another SUPER FAMOUS actor from the 1970's) the
     press went wild.  They surrounded the L.A. County Courthouse just
     like they did during the O.J. trial, and reported what she wore to
     court every day.  Now ... she's dead.


Farrah Fawcett and first husband Lee Majors
Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal
And last but not least, the Queen of Sex, Brigitte Bardot.

  This was her then ....

Sex Goddess

And this is her now.


Obviously, she's had no work.  Love it.

 And keep in mind, these ladies, as sexy as they were, NEVER posed totally naked.  Ever.  They bared breasts, but that was it.  No va-jay-jay, no sex tapes, no full on frontal nudity EVER.  Because even then they had some semblance of reserve and class.  Compare Playboy in the 1960's to a porn magazine today and you will see what I am talking about.

YOU, my love, lack this reserve and class. 


So, if you think taking full on naked pictures of YOURSELF and posting them onto social media so the entire world can view your tits and ass is empowerment, I’m here to tell you it isn’t.  It’s narcissism on a level so colossal it defies logic. 

Some day you will get old.  You will.  Your lady parts will dry up and you will no longer be able to make the male population hard.  It's a reality love.  And no amount of Botox or Juverderm or nips or tucks will ever change it.  Then you, too, will fade into obscurity and be nothing more than a footnote in popular culture.  By then who knows?  Maybe North will be having sexual relations with animals on T.V. and calling it "empowerment" just like you. 

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

OSCARS BEST AND WORST ...

Well, for some unknown reason I was unable to get E! Live on the Red Carpet!  I called the cable company, I unplugged the t.v. to reboot it ... NOTHING.  SO, I had to go with Channel 7's coverage which is NOT NEARLY AS IN DEPTH as E!  Needless to say Mama was pissed.   

So, with that in mind ... let's get started!


Alicia Vikander.  Beautiful!  She looks very young and sweet and elegant.  Love the color of this gown .... Grade:  A


Jennifer Lawrence.  BEAUTIFUL!  Love the hair, love the make up, love the the gown.  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A++ 


Brie Larson.  I'm not really feeling this gown.  The color is beautiful but the belt and the bling and the ruffles and the pleats ... there's a lot going on here.  Grade:  C




Nice guy Dave Grohl and wife.  Class Couple!  Love her dress and earrings ... very pretty. Dave .... it's the ACADEMY AWARDS .... a traditional tux would have worked much better and you would have looked SO HANDSOME.  Wife Grade:  A, Dave's Grade:  C-

 


I have no idea who this lady is but I LOVED her gown!!!  GORGEOUS!!  GLAMOROUS!! WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A++




YOU AGAIN?  You look like a feather duster.  Grade:  F-



Maria Menunous.  She is so pretty.  Love this gown, love her hair, makeup .... it's a win win.  Grade:  A


Pageant Girl Nancy O'Dell - Grade:  Nancy gets an F for being TOO TOO perfect.
 


Olivia Munn.  Beautiful.  I love this color.  The dress is perfection in its simplicity.  Truly Elegant.  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

 

Olivia Wilde looks like she forgot to put her blouse on under her pinafore.  Don't like it.  Pleats again???  She's so beautiful I don't understand why she chose this gown.  The choker does absolutely does nothing for this look and her hair makes her look like a hausfrau.  Grade:  D-


The only living cadaver, Giuliana Rancic.  As my mouse hovered over her picture I SWEAR an ad came up about binge and purging.  So she's super glam and then she has a fitbit on her wrist?????  And FYI ... If ever she needed an x-ray all an x-ray tech would have to do would be to look at her because EVERY ONE OF HER BONES IS VISIBLE.  I don't mean to hate on her really, but DAYUM she looks like if you accidentally bumped into her she'd break.  Grade:  T ... for TOO FUCKIN' SKINNY


Rooney Mara.  She's becoming known for this very severe, yet feminine, clean look but honestly, I'm growing bored with it.  Must she always wear her hair pulled back so tight?  Yet ... she does look beautiful (except for that little topknot on her head which is giving me a Migraine) Grade:  A
 

Saorise Ronan.  First of all I LOVED the movie Brooklyn. It was the most beautiful love story I've seen in a long time.  I think she is perfection!  Gorgeous color (and I'm usually not a fan of green), her hair, jewlery, make up - Grade A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
 

Sofia Vergara (pick a year or a dress) Grade:  The Same.  Very pretty. 



Cate Blanchett always nails it.  Beautiful aqua gown with feathery embellishments.  Etheral and beautiful.  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!


Representing Mr. Bowie???






Julianne Moore always brings it. Gorgeous!!  Grade A!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
 

Margo Robbie. This girl is BEAUTIFUL.  I like what she's wearing .... love the bag with the long tassle.  Grade:  B+


Tina Fey looking quite pretty.  Grade:  B
 

Rachel McAdams.  One of my favorite actresses.  Gorgeous in my least favorite color green.  She is perfection although she could have used more lip gloss.  Grade:  A


Kerry Washington black leather and white chiffon ... I guess it's okay although the leather looks like a roman gladiator's breastplate.  Grade:  B+

 


Looks like Amy Pohler forgot to take off her dressing gown.  Grade:  C-

 

Charlize Theron.  FANTASTICALLY TALENTED ACTRESS AND WORLD CLASS BEAUTY.  GRADE:  AAA  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!!
 


Jared Leto.  SO HANDSOME but that red piping on his tux kind of makes him look like a cartoon.  Grade:  A  (only cause I think he's cute).


Kate Winslet - what kind of fabric was that?  It was weird looking and shiny.

 

Michael Fassbender (OMG I'd jump his bones in a second!) unfortunately, he is Alicia Vikander's boyfriend so he jumps her bones.  Talk about some man candy!  HOT HOT HOT!!!!!  Grade:  AAA+++

 

Pharrell, I love you to death and I know you like to be different but dude ... YOU'RE AT THE OSCARS!  Wear some socks and uncuff those pants.  Grade:  S for STUPID

So that's it folks.  Please remember that I did not have access to my best source this year the "E! Network" and I can tell you right now my cable company will be receiving a nasty letter from me!  

Until next year .... happy trails 

and SMOOCHES!