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Thursday, December 18, 2014

GROW UP: PARENTING WARS WITH JOHN STOSSEL ...

Dan and I were channel surfing the other night when a program on Fox looked interesting ... 

GROW UP: PARENTING WARS WITH JOHN STOSSEL
Airs Saturday and Sunday at 10PM ET on Fox News Channel
Stossel offers some new ideas on parenting to help your kids GROW UP!

FREE-RANGE KIDS:  Lenore Skenazy was called "America's Worst Mom" because she let her 9-year-old ride the subway alone. She says kids benefit from less supervision and more independence. Critics say "free range" parenting is irresponsible and dangerous. They could get abducted by a stranger! They could, but why so much fear now when abductions are extremely rare, and crime is at a 50 year low?

OK ... FREE-RANGE KIDS? 

Back in the Dark Ages when I was a little girl my mother would send my brother and I (ages 6 and 4) to the liquor store to buy milk for her BY OURSELVES.  And we had to cross a big old boulevard to get there.  We were given money, told not to talk to strangers and wait for the man to give you the change and off we went totally oblivious to kidnappers and murderers.  Was it wise?  Personally, I couldn't tell you, but we're both still here and basically sane. 

WUSSIFICATION: Trophies used to be an award for winning. Now, kids get a trophy just for showing up. Does this turn them into wimps? Vice co-founder Gavin McInnes says yes, because kids "learning to lose, learning to fail" is "what childhood is all about." Parenting blogger Jenn-Anne Gledhill says, "you call it wussification, I'm going to go ahead and call it a spiritual awakening."

GOD ALMIGHTY WE'VE ABSOLUTELY WUSSIFIED OUR KIDS TODAY and Jenn-Anne Gledhill is a moron.  What she calls spiritual awakening I call wussification.  If everyone wins then what makes winning special?  If everyone wins a trophy there's no real meaning in that.  No victory.  No real success.  This not how the world works.  Everyone is NOT a winner.  Some people get D's on their report cards, some people get fired from their jobs, and other people have to take a lot of crap at work to collect their paycheck.  IT'S CALLED LIFE PEOPLE and sometimes people are big old losers.  Kids need to learn how to lose and realize they are not the center of the fucken Universe.  Some people do things better than others.  The sooner you learn that the better off you'll be.  No one claps for me when I arrive at work in the morning like I'm Oprah Winfrey.  WAH WAH WAH.   

THE TIGER-MOM:  Western parents were shocked by Amy Chua's strict Chinese parenting methods: her daughters were forced to practice piano several hours every day; they couldn't have sleepovers or watch TV. Chua even called her own daughter "garbage" once. Is it too extreme? What do Chua's daughters say, now that they're older? We asked them if they even like their mom.

Mrs. Chua needs a boot up her ass.  Her children are not HER.  They are individuals.  They have their own personalities and character traits.  I think if I'd had a tiger mother like her I'd have grown up to be a serial killer.  And the first person I'd kill would be her. 

GENDER NEUTRAL KIDS: Some parents say kids should choose if they want to be a boy or a girl.  Dr. Leonard Sax says it's a grave mistake "to put our heads in the sand and pretend that gender doesn't matter."

Dr. Leonard Sax is an asshole.  Little boys like to play with trucks and little girls like to play with dolls.  IT'S SCIENCE.   Unless you're blind you will be able to figure if your kid is gay or straight or transgender.  JEEZ.

DELAYED GRATIFICATION: Some psychologists say success on the famous marshmallow tests (can the child delay eating one, to get two treats 15 minutes later?) is the biggest predictor of success in kids' lives. Kids who can delay gratification do much better in life, get better grades in school, make more money, and are happier than those who can't.

Well that explains it.  You have your successful children who can wait to eat a marshmallow and then you have your unsuccessful children who can't.  Personally, if your kid can wait to eat a marshmallow that is sitting right in front of him then I'm sorry to tell you but your kid is weird.  Any NORMAL self-respecting kid is going to shove that marshmallow in his face the second you leave the room.  THAT'S NORMAL.  HE'S A KID.  So your ridiculous little test sucks.   















Until next time ...
SMOOCHES DARLINGS

Sunday, December 14, 2014

A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS BABBLE ...

Last night the bus was late … AGAIN.  The driver has been late for the last three weeks.  The bus is supposed to pick us up at 5:40 pm and he's been picking us up at 6 pm.  THEN he had the audacity to NOT GET ON THE FREEWAY and took surface streets ALL.  THE.  WAY.  HOME.  If I wanted to do that I’d have driven my own ass to work!  But that was not all … he was freaking whistling the entire way home.  I thought I was gonna have a coronary.  I was this close to screaming at him to PUT A SOCK IN IT!!  You all know how I hate people to freaking whistle in public.  Don’t whistle at work, at the store, on the street OR WHEN YOU’RE DRIVING A FUCKING BUS. 

Thank God my Ipod had power so I was able to listen to some decent tunes until the ride was over.  Once the bus ride from hell was over I still had to do some Xmas shopping.  Drove to the mall, bought some presents and some new work out clothes (don’t judge me) and then I drove home to no meal and a foochie bed that was not made to my standards – which I admit are quite high.  I require a CRISP bed dammit and my bed was not CRISP.  It was rather wilted and wrinkly and the sheets were all soft.  UGH. 



After dumping all my packages, all I wanted to do was take a shower and get into bed (BUT ONLY AFTER I UNMADE IT, AND REMADE IT CRISP) and RELAX which is something I haven’t done in too long because I’m constantly running around doing shit like laundry and picking up dinner.  The hubs was LYING on the couch because he thinks it’s a bed and I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with feet in my lap and another round of “Wives with Knives.” 



So I took my deliciously hot shower, dried my hair, got into my CRISP bed with my computer in my lap and watched old videos of Chicago performing “Beginnings,” “Call on Me” and “Color My World” over and over and over.  These days I find that I am much more nostalgic than ever and I’m pretty damn nostaligic.  I LITERALLY traveled back to 1973 with just my mind … if I could have any super power in the world I’d have the power to travel through time.  Who wouldn’t?  You could undo all the shit you had to go through when you were young and dumb ... like I wouldn't dance with ugly guys, I'd break up with all the guys who broke up with me first, I' tell all my asshole teachers they were assholes.  And I'd never EVER take Algebra.



I also caught Oprah’s “Where Are They Now” … Oprah was interviewing Bo Derek.  Oprah asked her if she’d ever had her heart broken.  You know what that bitch said?  She said NO.  She has never had her heart broken.  And it got me to thinking … do you know who I’d be today if I’d never gotten my heart broken?  Only the most fucking nice person you ever met in your life.  How does one go through life without ever getting their fucken heart broken?!  That is not normal.  Not even once?  Lucky bitch.  That’s where confidence comes from.  From being a “10” AND NEVER GETTING YOUR FUCKING HEART BROKEN.

 


 MERRY CHRISTMAS DAMMIT

Friday, December 5, 2014

DANNYLAND....

SO ... Danny has been home for the last six weeks.  He has Plantar Fasciitis and scar tissue on his Achilles which is very painful and finally went to the doctor.  The doctor said in order to stave of surgery, he wanted him to stay off of it completely.  He was given a Cortisone shot in the foot and then the doctor put it in a cast for two weeks.  That was removed then replaced with a soft cast.  That was removed and now he has been going to physical therapy.  

In the last six weeks he has not made the bed ONCE.  If he goes to the market it is ONLY to get EXACTLY what he needs to make for dinner God forbid he has to lug more than one grocery bag home and put shit away.  Therefore, we have NO FOOD in the house.  No snacks, no nuts, no ice cream, no bread, no soup, no fruit, no nothing.  Every day when I come home from work I say “what did you have for lunch”  His answer usually goes something like this … “oh, I had some crumbs from the Cheerios box and an orange.”  OK I’m exaggerating but it’s not far from the truth.  I’m like “SHIT Dan!  Can you not drive yourself to the store or McDonalds and EAT A MEAL?!”  Then I realize how stupid of me.  That would require movement. 

For this reason and this reason alone I have been spending tons of money on breakfast, lunch and dinner.  And by the way, I still pick up dinner on my way home EVERY NIGHT from a long and grueling day when he could easily get it and have it home by the time I arrive at 7:00 pm.  YES.  7:00 PM.  When it is already DARK and I’m tired.  PLUS I started Xmas shopping.  I spent an hour and a half at the mall last night and I don’t think I have to tell you how exhausting it is to lug around a bunch of packages and a 10 lb. purse when you’re hot and sweaty.  No fun. 

This weekend is my firm Xmas party.  I told him YESTERDAY to make sure his suit is clean and he has a shirt that doesn’t look like he slept in it.  He assured me he did.  I KNOW he did not.  I hope I do not have to attend my office Christmas party with a ragamuffin.


NEXT ...


So I was watching “True Tori” and I swear to God this girl reminds me of myself when I was young.  Very codependent and a control freak.  I feel so sorry for her because she really suffers emotionally and a lot of it is needless.  She and her husband are in therapy but at times it seems to make things worse.  My therapy WORKED.  But I was single and not married so all I had to deal with was myself.  I’m still a control freak but only when it comes to my house.  I like a tidy house and a crisp bed.  I cannot stand coming home to an unmade bed.  ICK.  I have mismatching lamps and I need a sofa.  You have been reading this  for the last six years and no, I STILL DO NOT HAVE A NEW SOFA because Mr. Tightwad has convinced me that we should just wait until we retire.  (I retire in 10 years)  I’M AN IDIOT.  I know it.    

Anyway, you all know that Tori Spelling met her husband when they made a T.V. movie together and they were BOTH MARRIED to other people at the time.  You might be saying "payback's a bitch" and all that, and that is exactly what I would say, but I can't help it ... I feel sorry for her.  She has no relationship with her mother.  It's very stilted.  Her father was a freaking gazillionaire and left her hardly anything.  I think that is especially cruel.  To raise your children in the lap of luxury and then leave them with nothing????  Way harsh.  She is so miserable.  She loves her husband but he was unfaithful, she has four kids and doesn't want to break up her family, she feels like she is the only person who can do anything for them the RIGHT WAY.  She puts so much pressure on herself.  It very sad to me.  Looking at it from the outside you can see how they totally mis-communicate.   

I was telling Danny how I felt bad for her and he was all "look at the house they live in ... they probably get six figures for every episode they film.  Don't feel sorry for her ... feel sorry for US!"  LOL.  He's probably right.  But I still feel bad for her.    Every time she has a confrontational situation arise she gets sick or gets a Migraine.  That is no way to go through life.  Especially if you have four little kids.  She just seems so tormented.   

That's my two cents.  Feel free to tell me yours ...

Smooches Darlings!


 
 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

THE OBAMA GIRLS ...


President Barack Obama, with daughters Sasha, second from right, and Malia, right, reaches out to touch "Cheese" after pardoning the turkey as part of the annual Thanksgiving tradition, Nov. 26, 2014, at the White House in Washington.

The communications director for a Republican member of Congress ignited a firestorm this weekend after she criticized President Obama's teenage daughters in a Facebook post that touched a nerve.

"Try showing a little class," Elizabeth Lauten said.  "Rise to the occasion.  Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at the bar, and certainly don't make faces during televised, public events." 

She then got to the point she REALLY wanted to make and that was "your mother and father don't respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I'm guessing you're coming up a little short in the 'good role model' department." 

After igniting a shit storm of a backlash Ms. Lauten said the following:

"I quickly judged the two young ladies in a way that I would never wanted to be judged myself as a teenager.  After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents and re-reading my words online I can see more clearly just how hurtful my words were."  

OK.  After MANY HOURS OF PRAYER?  And after TALKING TO HER PARENTS and RE-READING HER WORDS, she was able to see how hurtful her words were. 

Dear Ms. Lauten:

(1)  How old are you that you still need to talk to your parents when you've done something bad?  You sound like a fourteen year old.    

(2)  If you just wanted to state how much you hate Michelle and Barak Obama and what terrible parents and role models they are, why didn't you just say that? 

And finally ....

(3)  After much prayer, God told me you're an idiot. 










NEXT ...

KIM KARDASHIAN SHARES PHOTO OF STYLISH NORTH WEST, HER "BEST FRIEND"


Awwww.  She's a cutie pie in black fur and she's her mama's best friend ...

They're best friends because they have the same IQ. 



















Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

A REPOST OF DAYS PAST ...

I wrote this in January 2012.  At that time I'd been unemployed for the second time in four years and was going on a year and a half with NO JOB, NO PROSPECTS, NO INTERVIEWS, NO NOTHING ... and I was really losing hope.  I hope you enjoy it. 


THE TEST

So, I had an appointment with the City of _________ (I'd tell you but I'm seriously afraid of retribution) anyway, I got the letter in the mail a few weeks ago informing me that I QUALIFIED and MET WITH THEIR REQUIREMENTS and was INVITED to TEST for the Executive Secretary Position.  After I came to from fainting due to shock that I actually heard back from someone, I was overcome with joy, gratitude, and hope.  That is until ... 

Today.  I just got home from the testing session.  First of all, the testing was scheduled for 6:00 p.m., which I thought was a little weird, but at the same time I was grateful because I am SO NOT A MORNING person ... especially if you're going to put me in a classroom setting which for me is the equivalent of taking an Ambien.

So, I arrive promptly, one half hour prior to the testing, as the letter suggested.  There were probably 70 people there all vying for ONE position.  Yes.  You read correctly.  ONE position.  I took a book because I cannot stand staring into space for even five seconds.    SO, after I took the time and effort to arrive one half hour early, to show "I care" and to make "an impression," the guy who was conducting the testing session apologizes because his colleague was running late and we couldn't start without her.  FUCKEN A!!!  Why is it there is ALWAYS ONE ASSHOLE who is late?!?!  Ugh!!  My biggest pet peeve of all time.  BE ON TIME DAMMIT! 

Also, consider this ... of these 70 people, imagine all of those who applied and were NOT invited to test.  I'd say three-hundred, easy. 


It was a room full of beaten down, been there done that, desperate looking people.  How I wish I had a video camera and could have gone around the room interviewing everyone and getting their stories.  Then, I'd write an opinion piece and send it to the White House.  I KNOW, I KNOW ... I'm just saying. 

So, the two gals at my table were employed, but both were dealing with horrendous drives and wanted to find something closer to home.  I didn't want to tell them but ... WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY LADIES!!!  Who doesn't want to work 10 minutes from home?!  One gal was in her mid-20's and the other was probably in her late 30's.  I'M FIFTY FUCKEN FIVE!  I spent my entire LIFE driving to and from work in horrible traffic every day for 30 years.  Cry me a fucken river.  (Gee, I just read this back and I sound so hostile).

There were one hundred questions on the test and I have to say that whenever I see one of those forms with those little circles that have to be filled in with a no. 2 pencil I get apoplectic.  It reminds me of all those tests I had to take in school to determine whether I was smart or dumb.  I never knew how I scored on any of those tests, but if my teachers opinions were correct, I was fairly certain that I was somewhere near the "dumb" category and "always interrupts and talks too much."  Bastards.


Test gets underway.  After about an hour and a half people start getting up to leave ... because they finished their test ... because they're smarter than I am, and because they can read faster and deduce better.  I immediately start to speed up.  See ... I can't help it ... I KNOW I'm smart, in my own way.  My mind is quick, in it's own way, but that is not what is being tested here.  If everyone were given an assignment to write a humorous blog about "being unemployed and trying to find a job" -- I would venture to guess that I'D ACE that assignment.  *SIGH* ... 

The gig pays about the same as my last job and they do provide "some" benefits (SOME?  That right there is suspect) ... they also told us they'd start scheduling interviews about two weeks after the test.  I tried not to laugh out loud when he said that ... 


So THAT, ladies and germs, was my latest foray into the land of the gainfully employed.  Wish me luck.  


THE END.
 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

NOW SHE'S JUST LIKE KIM!! ... FINALLY!!

Kris Jenner has gone and gotten herself a new boyfriend.  This is Kris Jenner celebrating her FIFTY-NINTH birthday with her new boyfriend Corey Gamble (33 years old), who just happens to be Justin Bieber's road manager.  

FINALLY!  After all her hard work!  She has everything she's ever wanted!  She has it all!  And she looks great!  Thanks to her plastic surgeon she has the face of a 30 year old and the boobs of 40 year old.  

And now she's got a hunky, sexy new boyfriend to go with her new life.  Wow, how great! 



Look at that smile on his face.  You know what that smile says to me? 

CHA CHING!!
 
The dude probably has plenty of coin himself but let's face it ... Kris Jenner is FILTHY rich.  And you have to BE pretty filthy to get that rich.  Pimping out your children?  Filthy.  Selling sex tapes and turning your daughter's shame into profit?  Filthy.  Aren't mothers supposed to teach their children morals and self-respect?  Yeah well ... Miss Kris sure isn't going to win Mother of the Year anytime soon that's for sure.  Never, have I seen a woman so intent on being like her younger, sexier daughters.  And now that she has a new boyfriend they can REALLY be "girlfriends!"  They can have sleep overs and give each other pedicures and talk about the size of their boyfriends' dicks!  How fun!



Word to the wise Kris ... better be careful or Khloe might steal him away from you.  Or Kendall.  Or Kylie.  (Kris .... you have heard of Demi Moore right?)

As for Bruce, he's been dating Kris's best friend.  Considering this, I don't think they're BFF's anymore because once you start dating your best friend's ex-husband well, that kind of puts a big ol damper on the friendship wouldn't you say?  

Damn would I love to be a fly on the wall during one of their conversations.   In print they're so civilized but in real life YOU JUST KNOW that shits gotta get real.  I wonder if Kris will televise this part of their lives on KUWTK.  Bruce's new relationship vs. Her new relationship; who's getting more sex; who's getting better sex.  I, for one, wouldn't put it past her.  Personally, I can't wait for the program that will air 15 years from now when all the Kardashians talk about what REALLY went down all those years ago ...


THE KARDASHIANS CIR. 2029

Bruce will remarry and live happily ever after.  He will revel in the use of his gonads and spine which Kris obligingly sold back to him for an inflated and unreasonable fee, but to Bruce it was worth it.  He is a new man.  He flies his little helicopters and plays golf all day long to his heart's content and no one nags the shit outta him.    

Kris will continue to date and remarry at least two more times.  Once all her children finally cut the umbilical cord and live their own lives in their own homes with their own children she will have a nervous breakdown and will be committed to a mental institution where she will reminisce constantly and talk to herself nonstop to no one.  The reason for her breakdown?  No paparazzi or cameras in her face 24/7.  The staff at the hospital have made sure to have plenty of mirrors on the walls.  This seems to calm her down and makes her happy.      

Kim will morph into Kris and North West will shoot her first Playboy Centerfold at age 12.  Kim will go on to marry three more times and have four more daughters which is great because girls are fantastic at making porn money.   

Kendall will go on to superstar status as a model and actress totally eclipsing all of her family members and her relationship with Kim will suffer the most especially after she wins the Oscar for portraying Kim in a gritty drama based on her life. 

Kylie will go on to marry Jaden Smith and divorce him after having triplets.  She will then have her own talk show where various topics such as:  Sex Toys - Yes or No?  And How Young Is Too Young for your Daughter to Date -- 11 or 12?  All will be discussed ad nauseum. 

Khloe will remarry and happily fade away from public life.  She will live a peaceful, happy existence with her husband who, oddly enough, is not a professional athlete.  After having two children and gaining 200 lbs. an amazing thing happened ... instantaneous anonymity!  No one recognizes her anymore!  And she loves it!  How liberating it is to be big, fat, and normal!

Rob will go on to law school, graduate and become an advocate for brow-beaten men everywhere.  He will be the next Gloria Allred (but for dudes).  He will go on to make loads of money which he will invest in seminars and weekends designed to help men find their testicles.  He said that being on KUWTK helped him to find his calling in life.  Helping men find themselves and ridding them of the ball-busting women they married is now his life's work. 

As for Kourtney, she now has six children all with Scott Disick.  Those two crazy kids ... can't live with each other or without each other.  They have not married and have no plans to do so in the future.  After all, what's a piece of paper?  Disick is still an alcoholic and a moron, and Kourtney is still the voice of reason in a sea of unreasonableness.

So there you have it.  This will go into my "Time Capsule" of blog posts.  November 2029 I'll pull it out and we'll compare notes.  If any of you would like to add your predictions, feel free.  After all, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.

SMOOCHES DARLINGS!



Thursday, November 6, 2014

THE REPUBLICANS WIN THE MID-TERM ELECTIONS ...

(This tool right here)
I really don't see what difference this is going to make considering the Republicans have basically refused to work with President Obama on anything since day one of his presidency.  I think it's actually pretty comical that the Republicans are so jubilant over this win because Obama is STILL, after all, THE PRESIDENT.  Remember folks, this is the party that brought the government to a complete and total standstill over Obamacare.  Something that was legally voted into law.  But again, that's politics.  I must say though, I thoroughly enjoyed Ted Cruz reading Green Eggs and Ham from Senate Floor ... let that sink in for just a minute.

So for now, the Republicans have the power.  When they fuck everything up, then we'll vote the Democrats back into power.  When they fuck everything up, we'll vote the Republicans back into power, when they fuck everything up, we'll put the Democrats back into power and so on and so on and so on.

Having worked in the political arena for a year and a half I can tell you that politics is a disgusting, horrible, soulless game.  And not that I am a political expert at all, but having been IN IT, surrounded by the people that most folks look up to and vote for, well ... let me tell you, up close and personal, most of these people are the definition of smarmy.  And they are ALL bought and paid for.  Really.  BOUGHT.  AND.  PAID.  FOR.  You do this for me, and I'll do that for you.  The right, the left, Democrats and Republicans.  It doesn't matter.  The GOOD people, those with souls and a conscience, are merely laughed out of the room.  It's disgusting.

Don't you find it interesting that no one other than the Republicans and the Democrats participate in the debates?  No Independents, no Green Party, NO OTHER PARTIES are ever represented.  When Ralph Nader ran as an Independent in 2004 he was not allowed to participate in the debates.  Why is that?  I mean really?  Why is that?  I know that a lot of people think Ralph Nader is a looney toon, but Sarah Palin is about as smart as a tire iron and she participated in the presidential debates.  And if you wanna talk about looney toons, Michelle Bachman is seriously living on another planet.       

To bar any candidate from participating in the most American of activities - the Presidential Elections, is for one thing UNAMERICAN.  For another, it hinders the process and cheats the public out of knowing who is running and what their platforms are.  I think we need MORE choices.  The two party system does not serve us anymore.  Republican/Democrat - two sides of the same coin.  Both corporate owned.  The Koch Brothers, who own the media and buy politicians like Monopoly tokens tell the politicians what to say and how to say it.  They fill the airwaves and Fox News with "entertainers" like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to spew their ridiculous nonsense out into the ether and people who do not have the time nor inclination to educate themselves latch on to their five minute sound bites and call it "thinking."  They also tell us who to vote for by deciding who we will watch in the debates.  And the left does the same thing however, the left is not nearly as crazy as the right.  There is no comparison when you're talking about hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter.

Doesn't it concern you that you are fed your choices?  God forbid the American people have a CHOICE OTHER than a Republican or a Democrat.  That would throw a major monkey wrench in the whole process.

Wouldn't you love to see a candidate who actually says what he or she really believes in instead of reciting politically correct B.S. like a robot?  It's for this reason I didn't vote.  None of these people tell you the truth.  We don't know how they really feel about anything.  They're all voting on issues that they have been bought and paid for to vote on by the gazillionaires who have given them billions of dollars specifically for that reason.  Here's the money - vote my way.  It is all just a disgusting game in which the real losers are the People they serve fuck and lie to. 

Despite what may seem like cynicism on my part, I really am a true believer, and I agree wholeheartedly with the brilliant George Carlin ...

Please.  Take a listen and enjoy.