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Sunday, May 3, 2015

I DON'T LIKE MOTHER'S DAY ...

I don't have my mom anymore and that is the main reason, but that is not the only reason.  You see, I am not a mother.  Not a "real" mother.  I am a stepmother and that's kind of a mother, but not really.  Not like a real mother.  I feel strange when people wish me a happy mother's day.  I do.  I feel that I do not deserve that salutation.  Not in a bad way, but more like being wished a happy birthday when it's not your birthday kind of undeserving. 

I think with all the blended families in the world there should be a Step-parent day.  Happy Stepfather's Day and Happy Stepmother's Day.  Then, when someone wished me "Happy Stepmother's Day" I would feel happy and willing to accept that.  Because really, being a step-parent is not an easy thing.  It gets easier with time and love and years and ups and downs, and you do, eventually, become a family.  And after you've been through all that you should be wished a Happy Stepmother's Day.  And I do love my girls.  I really do. 

I too, have stayed up nights with stepdaughter no. 2 when she was sick and we had to run to the emergency in the middle of the night.  When she was in and out of the hospital.  When she had her  kidney transplant.  I have worried about daughter no. 1 when she first started driving and prayed for her safety everytime she got into the car.  When she moved in with us she was an absolute slob and it drove me crazy ... but then she moved out and I missed her.  Now she has a beautiful baby boy who I am totally in love with him and I absolutely feel like a grandma.  I love him so much and I often feel like my stepdaughter had MY baby.  

We have built a lot of memories, this weird little family of ours.  And it IS a family.  Now.  But I don't think I'll ever "like" Mother's Day ... because I still miss my own mother so much.  It's been ten years and I wish I could call her up, have lunch with her and go shopping one more time.  I don't think I will ever EVER stop missing her.  She drove me crazy lots of times and I'm sure I did the same.  But she was my mother.  And I miss her very much. 


So, everyone who still has their mother be especially grateful.  You are VERY lucky.  Especially if you are older.  I lost my mom when I was 48 and I felt like I was five.  I couldn't believe she was gone.  I couldn't believe that I'd never see her again ... at least not in this lifetime.  I dream about her sometimes and I'm usually mad at her ... for leaving us, I guess.  And then I feel guilty. 

My mother's death affected me in ways I never expected.  It was a very surreal experience.  I kept wondering ... where did she go?  Is she ok?  Just poof ... gone.  I couldn't make sense of it even though I believe in God and an afterlife.  There was no comfort in that because she wasn't here ... where I could see her, and touch her.  It really made me question my faith ... a lifetime of belief that suddenly could not stand up to so great a loss.    

I still talk to her.  Tell her what's happening in our lives.  And I like to believe she can hear me.  I think she can.  Because love never dies ... so mom ...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
I will love you forever mommy.  
 
 

Saturday, May 2, 2015

JUST A QUICK LITTLE BLURB ...

 
So, I was watching Oprah's "Where Are They Now" and they did a little interview with D-lister from the 1980's ... Appollonia.  Anyone under 40 will probably have no idea who this is, but she was once one of Prince's protégés.  A really beautiful and sexy Latina who I could not stand because she had no talent whatsoever and was soooooo stupid. 

Anywho, she told all of America that years ago she dated John F. Kennedy, Jr., and, as she shed one single tear, said that he gave her a GORGEOUS ring and asked her to marry him.  (EYES FUCKING ROLLING) ... Appollonia - get over yourself!  Really?  JFK, Jr. asked you to marry him?  You have no proof, no one knew about your relationship, and he's DEAD and you want us to believe that he asked you to marry him.

I.  THINK.  NOT. 


 
THAT'S ALL.


 
 
 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

THE STORY ABOUT THE TIME I WORKED FOR THE BRIDE OF SATAN ... REALLY

An ugly reality about the corporate world that needs to be discussed is women. Women (aka secretaries and staff) have not come a long way baby in the corporate world.  The gals who have come a long way are the mucky muck partners and other female attorneys and/or high level executives.  Secretarial staff are drones.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They have been known to type up kid’s homework, cancel ballet lessons, wrap Xmas presents, go down to the parking garage and “get that box out of my car”, etc., etc., etc.  And though it pains me to say such things about my own gender, it is the honest truth that most secretaries would rather stick needles in their eyes than work for a female partner. 

Dulcinea Bradley was one such female partner.  Ironically, Dulcinea in Spanish means sweet.  She wasn’t.  She reminded me of the asexual character Pat on Saturday Night Live.  You couldn’t tell if she was a man or a woman.  Dulcinea had short black hair, wore wire rimmed glasses and had a corn-fed Midwestern look.  Her usual style of dress consisted of a pair of khaki pants that were usually chewed up by her butt crack which she wore with a basic white Oxford shirt that she belted and tucked in high at the waist.  She was, as a Southerner would say “a big ol gal.”  Dulcinea was really loud and had a high pitched, cackling laugh that conjured up images of flying monkeys.  In short, she scared the hell out of the staff.  Her long suffering secretary Sandy was a friend of mine and she was treated horribly by this woman.  For a visual, picture Edith Bunker with Archie yelling right in her face all day long. 

Dulcinea inspired fear into everyone at the firm, including partners.  Unfortunately she was a rainmaker which gave her unlimited freedom to behave like a tyrant.  After working for this monster for many years poor Sandy had finally had enough and was transferred to another desk which left Dulcinea without a secretary.  Now some poor floater was going to have to work for her.  That poor floater was me. 

The first week I sat at that desk she sent me an email.  Within the time it took for her to hit send on her computer she had stormed over to my desk and within inches from my face, finger pointing at my keyboard she screamed “OPEN YOUR EMAIL!  OPEN YOUR EMAIL!”  She had gotten her panties in a twist because I had not responded to her email within the 2 seconds it took for it to travel from her computer to mine, hence the hissy fit at my desk.  The entire outburst took place while I was on the phone taking a message (hence, my not immediately reading her email).  When I hung up I looked at her and very calmly said ... “I can hear you.”  This was grounds for a sit down with Human Resources where I was informed that Dulcinea NEVER, EVER WANTED ME TO COVER HER DESK AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE LIVED and into my personnel file went another write up.  After I was banned for life from working for her, the next unfortunate soul was Gabe.  Gabe was an excellent secretary, however this was irrelevant.  Once, when Dulcinea placed several pencils in her “out box” and they were still sitting there two days later she literally had a shit hemorrhage and screamed at Gabe for not sharpening her pencils.  Unfortunately, Gabe had forgotten to read her mind that day otherwise he would have realized that leaving the pencils in the out box meant that she wanted him to sharpen them.  Fact:  if you want your pencils sharpened, perhaps telling your secretary “hey, do you think you can sharpen my pencils?” would suffice.  NO.  This is not how it went down.  Gabe and Dulcinea went to WAR and it was the office talk for weeks.  “How was he supposed to know she wanted him to sharpen her pencils!?” “Would you have sharpened them?”  “Hell no, let her sharpen her own pencils!” and on and on it went with secretaries taking sides and everyone in the firm weighing in.    OK … I just have to stop right here and remind you all that we are talking about one of the largest, most prestigious law firms IN THE WORLD, and this is the kind of shit that was going on all the time.  … Corporate America at its finest.   

I cannot stress to you how awful this woman was.  So in my mind I thought of a brilliant payback fantasy …

I would send her, anonymously of course, a gigantic vibrator with a sweet
note …   

Dearest Dulcinea,

It has been medically proven that use of this apparatus has many health benefits.  It is a proven tension reliever and many believe it can also aide in instilling a calmer demeanor.  With proper usage you should achieve orgasm quite regularly.  This will make you rather tired, but in a good way.  With regular use you will find you have less stress and more friends.  For maximum benefit use once or twice a week, batteries not included. 

Love,
A Concerned Friend

I eventually did get payback … sort of ... and it was better than the vibrator idea.  The legal community in Los Angeles is small.  Everyone knows everyone and the fates being what they are and karma being a bitch and all, Miss Dulcinea left the biggest, most prestigious law firm in the world a few years later and interviewed at the firm I was now working at.  I was working for a corporate finance partner at the time and watched in amazement as Dulcinea was ushered into Arthur’s office.  OMG I thought. ... that's Dulcinea Bradley!  After their meeting I walked into his office …

Me:  “Was that Dulcinea Bradley?” 
Arthur:  “Yes.”
Me:  “I used to work for her.”
Arthur:  “You did?” 
Me:  “Yes.  She’s the biggest bitch I ever met in my life.”
Arthur:  “Yeah.  You can tell.”
Me:  “I wouldn’t hire her.  She’s poison.”


She didn’t get the job.  Next time you might want to think twice about who you’re yelling at lady. 
I don’t profess to have had any power over the decision to hire her or not, but it sure felt good to be able to put my two cents in regarding a horrible woman who made my life hell, even if it was only for two weeks. 
Lesson to be learned:   BE NICE.    

POWER TO THE PEOPLE DAMMIT!!!!   
 
              ... the little people. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

MY CATHOLIC SOAPBOX ...

I kind of hesitated about posting this particular post, but in light of Indiana passing that ridiculous anti-gay law I am posting it.  It goes to the theme of people being hateful, unintelligent and plain stupid and pushing their beliefs onto others and not respecting anyone who believes differently than they do. 

I’ve written about this topic before … about people posting their religious and political views on Facebook.  I don’t do it as often as I used to because it incites war, but sometimes I can’t help myself and I’ll post Catholic stuff to piss off the Born Again Christians (because they hate us you know) and I’ll post super-duper left wing stuff to piss off the super duper right wing wing-nuts.

So I have a friend on Facebook who is like me; into all types of spiritual thought.  I am not a scholar or an expert by any means, but I can back up what I believe for those who care to listen.  I AM A SEEKER and I have no issue with your beliefs until you start messing with mine.  Then I get pissed off. 

So – a friend of a friend on Facebook has engaged in a war with me over Christian thought, doctrine, principles, rules, regulations, scripture, etc., et al., blah blah blah for which he has NO KNOWLEDGE.

This war of words stems from the fact that our mutual friend is in London visiting his son and this individual, let’s call him Jesus, Jr., no matter what comment you post on Facebook, will ALWAYS have a negative comment about gays and how everyone is lost and evil because they're not Christian.  Well, he has decided to enlighten me and everyone else on Facebook about England’s religious history.  Here is a sampling of our convos …

Jesus Junior:  you are now in a non christian country this is the country the christians left because of religious freedom and why the christians abandoned anarchy. and put right to bear arms yes churchill met with pres rosevelt on a distroyer begging the christian army to help them against the nazi s

Me:  Please.  This is the country that left the Catholic church in 1534 to form the Church of England when King Henry VIII wanted to divorce his wife Catherine of Aragon to marry Anne Boelyn.  England is NOT a non-Christian country.  Do your homework please. 

To this he responds by giving me a test.

Jesus Junior:  does England have the right to bear arms?  and a king and queen?  yes or no  ... (I’m surprised he didn’t print a little box for me to check)

Me:  England has a Queen. But she is merely a figurehead.  Parliament runs the government.  Citizens in England do not carry weapons, nor do the police.  what does that have to do with anything?  Your arguments are completely bogus.  Do your homework so you can debate with some intelligence.  And FYI, there was no "Christian army" there was just the army.

Jesus Junior:  wait this is piere morgan right?  I thought we ran you out of the country.

(Clearly an insult to deflect from the fact that I answered his ridiculous question). 

Me:  Do you mean Piers Morgan?  Learn how to spell.  FYI - I answered your questions dude.

Jesus Junior:  Then stay out of our Christian nation.  (Typical response of someone who does not know what he is talking about).

Me:  You seriously need help.  You're paranoid.  And I AM A CHRISTIAN.  And P.S. America is the home of the FREE ... to be a Christian or an aethiest, or a Buddhist or a Muslim.  Deal with it.

OK.  You're all probably wondering why I even wasted my time with this individual, especially considering that he cannot spell or express himself.  I just got tired of reading his ridiculous comments day in and day out and I couldn't help myself. 

The other reason was an example ... take this little exchange and magnify it by a billion and you have the chaos you see in the world.  Most people argue not with the intention of learning and understanding another person’s point of view, but with their next argument in their head.  I have found that when I really try to understand where someone is coming from two things happen:  (a) I get it; and (b) I learn something.  Instead of arguing with the sole intent of being “right” why not argue with the intent to “understand” and “learn”?  It doesn’t mean you have to change your thought or convert your religion, just TRY to understand where someone is coming from. 

I can appreciate that to go outside of what is comfortable naturally instills a certain amount of fear in people.  It is scary to question long held beliefs and to step outside of boundaries that we’ve been told we should never step outside of because to do so is akin to consorting with Satan.  But questioning is good.  Even when it makes us uncomfortable … we should actually sit with that feeling and ask ourselves WHY we are feeling uncomfortable.  For only by questioning can we really grow as human beings and as spiritual beings. 

And the other reason is ... I can't stand people who attack MY faith.  I am a Catholic and I can't tell you how many times I've had fundamentalists attack me. They ridicule our practice of saying a rosary (which is merely a meditation on the life of Christ from his conception to his resurrection), they believe we pray to the Virgin Mary, we call the priest “Father” blah blah blah.  Here is my argument to that ... WHAT DO YOU CARE?!  What is it to you that I’m Catholic?  I have never attacked anyone for their religious beliefs nor gotten into a pissing contest about who's right or who's wrong.  I have attended mass my whole life and in all these many years
I have never ever heard a Catholic priest say anything negative about fundamentalists.  Fundamentalists on the other hand, are very vocal about their negative feelings about Catholics and their false church.  Faith is faith and belief is belief and it's no one business and no one's right to attack or condemn or condescend to anyone who does not believe as you do.  Instead of worrying about all us “heretical Catholics” you should worry about yourselves and try to be more LIKE JESUS.  L-O-V-I-N-G.  NEWSFLASH!  Christ already died for my sins ... I don’t need YOU to save me.  So please … stay in your lane and I’ll stay in mine.  DAMMIT.

.... and I say this only with love. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

VIGGO ...

 
 
So Mama had the BEST Saturday night of her life EVER!  Last month I got tickets to Viggo’s screening of “Jauja” at the NuArt in Santa Monica and guess who was there as a special guest?  VIGGO MORTENSEN. 
 
This is how my day began.  I awoke to the thrill that later that evening I would be in the same room with my boyfriend in my head.  After morning coffee and basically laying around on my ass all day I finally jumped in the shower about 2 pm.  My friend Maria was going with me and was supposed to be at my house around 5 pm and I was going to drive us to the theatre.  We used Maria’s GPS which worked beautifully until … after driving for an hour and 15 minutes Siri informed us that we had arrived at our destination … which was in front of an apartment complex.  I then put the address into MY phone’s GPS and off to Wonderland we went.  I had to make a U-turn, go back down Santa Monica, make a right at the next light, go a mile to the next light, make another right, drive for about three miles, then make a left and lo and behold there was the NuArt. 
 
NOW we had to look for parking.  For those of you who do not live in L.A. this is why most people leave their houses at least two days in advance because it will take at least another two hours to find parking that isn’t seventeen miles away from your destination.  We circled the block twice.  There was parking with meters but not on Saturday from 8 to 8 which means NO PARKING.  FUCK.  We decided to park in a teeny tiny strip mall directly across the street.  I looked diligently for any sign that didn't allow parking and did not see anything sooooo … I parked (with a prayer that my car would still be there after the movie).  We went to 7-11, got our M&M’s and crossed the street.  There was already a line forming but we were an hour early so we were guaranteed good seats. 
 

Since we had some time I opened up my first pack of M&M's (because I'm a pig and one pack is not enough) and started making conversation with the two gals standing in line behind us.  Sanela and Karen.  Viggo Fans like me and that was all I needed to know.  We have an understanding we Viggo lovers.  So to me, they were my new besties.    
 
Here’s the thing.  I didn't want to sit too close because then I wouldn't enjoy the movie, but I didn't want to sit too far back because then I wouldn't be able to see Viggo.  Decisions Decisions.  We sat about 9 rows from the screen, dead center.  Perfect.
 
So Maria and I are sitting there eating our M&M’s and popcorn, chatting away when the host comes out and thanks everyone for coming and then says we has a VERY special guest ... he proceeds to introduce Viggo and he comes bounding down the aisle!  I wasn't prepared!  I didn’t expect to see him until AFTER the movie!  OMG!  He’s gone a little more silver the temples but he is still gorgeous as ever.  The last time I saw him was in 2009 for a Q&A at a screening of “The Road” (the most depressing movie ever made) – that was six years ago and he didn't come out until after the movie and then he didn't stick around so there was no opportunity to meet him or get a picture.  I could already tell that THIS night was going to be special. 
 
So there he is in the flesh, gorgeous, engaging, funny and adorable.  He spoke about the film and his passion for promoting it, and stating that it might not be veryone's cup of tea.  He thanked everyone for showing up and said he'd be back after the screening to take questions.



Movie starts.  Movie ends.  What can I say?  He was FABULOUS in the role.  Viggo has the ability to convey everything in his face, his eyes ... such a reactive actor.  And yes, it is not your run of the mill film ... there was lots of metaphor and allegory and expansive scenes of landscape, very little dialogue, and when it was over I was basically asking myself ... WTF?  It was one of those films that takes you on a journey, then makes a sharp left turn leaving you to ask yourself ... what the hell did it mean??? 



After the screening he came out, sat on a high chair and the host began interviewing him.  They opened it up for questions from the audience and he spent about 45 minutes answering questions.  And BTW ... he was sitting dead center, right in my line of sight with no heads in the way.  Perfect! 



Then it was over.  The host thanked everyone for coming and at that point lots of people started leaving but I noticed Viggo was still standing up front and people were now trying to make their way down to him.  THIS WAS IT!  MY CHANCE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM ... MAYBE GET A PICTURE WITH HIM!  It was cool because even though there were a lot of people around him there weren't like 40 or 50 people ... more like 12 to 15.  Maria and I made our way to him and she had her phone ready to take pictures.  Good thing because there was no way I would be able to handle my phone, take pictures, melt, talk to him and take it all in at the same time.



I made my way, little by little, until I was standing RIGHT NEXT to him on his left side.  All I could do was look at him.  His hair ..., his jacket, .... his hands, .... his cheek ... clean shaven and just begging to be stroked by me.  THEN I said "can I have a picture?"



He said "I'm not going to do that right now because they have to show the next screening but I'll sign something for you."  (Can I just say ... his voice ... *sigh* ... that voice I've heard in movie after movie speaking to me!  DOUBLE SIGH) .



OK.  I'm going to be REAL HONEST.  I was devastated that he wouldn't take a picture with me.  Devastated.  And he didn't make eye contact with me either so this entire conversation was taking place as he was signing autographs and handing them back to people.  HEART.  BREAK. 



But I got it.  I was standing right next to him so I was able to see the faces of all the other fans trying to lock eyes with him ... make contact ... engage ... and I thought to myself this has got to be really weird for him.  And then I realized ... I WAS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ... (eyes rolling with embarrassment).



So after he tells me he'll sign something I said "I only have this" (a crumpled up napkin) and he says "No, no.  Let's get you something" and he grabs a program for me and asks my name.  I told him and he said "how do you spell that?"  I told him and he wrote "Thanks Debbie ---  heart Viggo.  (See autograph below) this will be framed and kept in a place of honor in my home and upon my death will then be placed into my coffin with me for eternity.



 
After that Maria and I made our way to the front lobby so we could check out all the pictures she took.  I was so excited and disappointed at the same time.  Okay readers, honest ... I have to admit that I half expected him to recognize me from the ether.  I DID.  He's been in my head for so many years that I felt for sure that we really do have a connection.  THAT was when I realized ... Debbie, Viggo does not know you.  You are just another anonymous fan.  And I felt really kinda stupid. 
 



Look at me ... I'm literally swooning.



Close enough to KISS!







For years I've seen photos of him signing autographs and speaking at these Q&A's and I KNEW ... I somehow KNEW that I would be in a picture like the one above.  Kismet.  Destiny.  Call it what you like ... it was a night like no other.  Meant to be and I will never EVER forget it.



And really, IF he had made eye contact with me I would have either (a) melted; (b) fainted; or (c) straddled him.  MAYBE NEXT TIME.


Next to my wedding day, this evening ranks right up there in the top 10 of my life's experiences.  (insert happy face here).


SMOOCHES!
 
 

 
 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

MORE PEOPLE THAT NEED TO BE BITCH SLAPPED ...

This bitch right here .... needs to be bitch slapped.  She is EIGHT months pregnant.  Don't you hate people who feel the need to take selfies of their hot selves, pregnant or not, and post them on the internet to the world to flaunt themselves and make others feel envious of their amazing pregnant or not pregnant bodies?  I do.  And for that reason this gal needs to be bitch slapped. 


Apparently, she has only gained 20 pounds.  Wow.  I hope her baby has a head. 

Ok, I realize that my next story is already old news but ... whatever.
 
So all hell broke loose on Fashion Police because Giuliana Rancic said that Zendaya Coleman looked like her hair smelled of Patchouli oil and/or weed.  Kelly Osbourne immediately takes to Twitter demanding that the show do something within 24 hours or she'll tell the world "how she really feels."  Good God people ... do you not realize that NO ONE FUCKEN CARES?  I like Fashion Police and I think Kelly actually has a seriously good eye for fashion.  Yes they are mean and catty but that is what makes the show what it is.  Joan Rivers was merciless if you recall.  Now Kelly has left the show (or was fired depending on who you believe) and Giuliana has made two, yes TWO apologies, which neither one (if you ask me) sounded very sincere.  IT'S A TV SHOW.  They discuss celebrities and what they wear.  They are not running the world or curing cancer. 

The political correctness of EVERYTHING is starting to get really RIDICULOUS.  These two need to be bitch slapped.   


 

NEXT ...
 
Forty seven (yes 47) Republicans senators wrote an open letter to leaders of Iran warning them about signing any nuclear deal with President Obama.  The audacity of these morons is beyond insane and traitorous.  This is such a disrespectful gesture to a sitting president that I really cannot believe they actually did it.  HOWEVER, I have an idea ... why doesn't the right wing faction of the government start their own country?  Leave the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and form your own country with your own constitution where everyone will be allowed to own as many guns and assault rifles as they desire, marriage will ONLY be between a man and a woman, there will be no need for abortion or birth control because no one will EVER have premarital sex and there will never be any unwanted pregnancies.  There will be no welfare, no healthcare, no social security, no Medicare, or taxes.  However, remember one thing.  Knowing how much you all love to go to war, remember that you'll actually have to send YOUR OWN people because there will also be no blacks, no Mexicans or poor white people in your country to send.  Good luck with that. 
 
So YES.  Forty-seven Republicans need to be bitch slapped. 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

2015 OSCAR POST ... THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY ...

Let's begin with our hosts.
 

 
Giuliana Rancic - looked absolutely ravishing for a cadaver.  Where did she get this thing?  At the mall?  It looks very 1980's to me, tacky, tacky, tacky with way too much going on ... ruffles and netting and applique and a belt and sparkles.  Jeez I'm getting nauseated.  Grade:  F-
 
Kelly Osbourne
 

 
Kelly Osbourne and her lavender hair are getting really old, but I loved her gown!  It harkened back to the 1950's, very Ava Gardner.  Beautiful black lace sleeves with a boatneck neckline and I LOVED the folds of the skirt.  I usually don't go for the short/long hemline but on this particular gown it worked.  The gown gets an "A" but her hair gets an "F" giving Kelly a solid "C".  I also think she should stop using that maroon colored red lipstick.  Ick.  But because I love the dress so much I'm going to be generous and give Kelly a B+
 
 
Patricia Arquette in black and white looking quite beautiful.  I've always said you can never go wrong with black and white.  However, if the dress were strapless without that shoulder side thing it would have looked amazing.  Her hair was basically a mess.  It looks as though she pinned it up last minute haphazard and it shows.  She also could have used a little more bling.  A pair of chandelier earrings would have made the outfit a lot more Oscar worthy.  Grade:  C
 
Anna Kendrick ...


Anna Kendrick in a beautiful salmon colored gown with a diamond collar.  Very pretty.  However, Anna has no upper lip and I think investing in a little Juvaderm on that top lip would make a great improvement.  Other than that ...  Grade:  B+

Cate Blanchett ...

 
 
This woman can do no wrong in my eyes.  I love this simple, elegant black gown with the turquoise statement necklace.  Love it.  Grade:  A
 
Julianne Moore ...




Julianne Moore.  This gown was beautiful and she looked beautiful in it.  Her makeup and hair -- perfection!  She is SO BEAUTIFUL.  Grade:  A+
WINNER WINNER WINNER!

Kerry Washington ...



Where the hell did she get this?  David's Bridal?  Cheap-o. 
Grade:  F-

Emma Stone ...


Gorge!  Not many people can wear this chartreuse color but Emma pulls it off beautifully.  Her hair and makeup -- perfection.  Nothing more to add to this ... Grade:  A+ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!

Melanie Griffith and Dakota Johnson ...


Dakota looks very pretty in red with silver embellishment on the arm.  Love her pony ... she looks young and fresh, very sweet.  Melanie is the same size as Dakota (bitch) and looks like a vampire with blonde hair.  Actually, Melanie looks pretty damn good.  I'm giving both of them the same Grade:  A.

Jennifer Lopez ...


What can I say ... the bitch always brings it.  Looks fabulous - Grade:  A

Rosamund Pike ...




PERFECTION!  This woman is the epitome of feminine elegance.  There is something so ethereal and beautiful about her.  Gorgeous in red!  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!!

Lady Gaga ...


She looks like a nun from the future.  All that's missing is the veil and crucifix. 

Grade:  F
and p.s. can the girl sing or what?!  That tribute to Julie Andrews and Sound of Music was amazing.  Did you hear that Madonna?

Gwyneth Paltrow ...



Much as I hate to, I have to say that she looks really pretty.  I like the dress, even that flower on the shoulder and I love that shade of pink (she's been wearing lots of pink lately but at least this isn't that Pepto Bismol pink)
Grade:  A+

You know, I just want to say that almost everyone looked really good and it's was kind of hard to find someone to pick on but I did my best.

Here we have Blanca Blanco (yeah ... her name in English is White White) ...

 
The dress looks as though it was constructed of paper mache.  Grade:  F-
 
Faith Hill ...
 
 
She looks quite beautiful.  Love the gown and her diamond necklace.  Not really feeling her shorter hair ... mainly because she has those kind of ears that stick out.  Ears that stick out are never attractive.  She should consider getting those things pinned back.  Just sayin'.  Grade:  A
 
Christy Tiegren ...

 
 
This is a beautiful gown but that slit is WAY too high.  You can almost see her cooch.  And another thing, I do not find this girl pretty at all.  I know she's a model and all, but I find her face is too round and her cheekbones are gigantic.  Grade:  B-
 
Margot Robbie ...
 
 
GORGEOUS!!! OMG this for me was the best dress of the evening.  KILLER!  The girl is beautiful, her makeup is perfection, hair - perfection and that necklace is incredible.  Grade:  A+++ WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
 
Marion Cotillard ...
 

 


I loved this gown.  I loved the bunting and black strip in the back, her hair and makeup was yes ... perfection.  Grade:  A+++ 


I don't know who this gal is but she looks like Tilda Swinton, Jr.  I put her here because I wanted you all to see her shoes.  They look like they're melting.  I'll give her an A for weirdness. 
 


Oprah Winfrey ...

 
This photo alone proves the magic of a well made dress.  Oprah is a big woman and the right designer can make anyone look incredibly elegant EVEN WITH BELT!  Gotta say that Oprah looks fab.  Grade:  A
 
 
Felicity Huffman ...


 
This dress was ok.  I liked it.  I especially Loved the color but wasn't feeling the bows at the hips.  It almost looked like a wedding dress from the 1980's.  However, she looked very pretty.  Grade:  B+
 
I don't know who this girl is but I loved this gown.  Beautiful. 


 
 Reese Witherspoon ...


 
Reese needs to pull it together or hire another stylist.  Why you ask?  THIS is why ...

Reese wore this in 2013



And this one in 2011



They're all basically the SAME DRESS.  WHAT'S WITH THE STRIPES???

Naomie Watts ...



I don't know.  The fabric is basically a brick wall in black and silver and hen she has a tube top underneath????  What do you all think?

Loreli Linklater ...



There's a lot going on here.  And couldn't she have done something with her hair?  Forgive me, but she kind of reminds me of the whorry girl you knew in high school cir. 1970.  Grade:  C+

Sienna Miller ....



I think Sienna Miller is so beautiful.  I loved this dress - very Audrey Hepburn.  Not a lot of bling but I still think she looked elegant.  Grade:  B+


Zoe Saldana ...


 
WOW... Zoe looked quite sexy and womanly.  After giving birth to twins she's much curvier and luscious.  I loved her gown and thought she looked really beautiful.  Grade:  A
 
Lupita Nyong'o ...
 
 
At first I loved it, but then I wasn't sure.  It had TONS of pearls and looked beautiful against her skin.  I don't know ... still undecided.  She is incredibly chic and almost always owns the Red Carpet.  I'm going to give her a B.  What do you think?

Scarlett Johanssen ...


The hair was terrible, the necklace was terrible but the dress was quite beautiful, even though I hate that shade of green.  She should have scrapped the necklace and done something with her hair.  Grade:  D-
 
p.s.  Girls, look at the tat on her arm.  TACKY.  DO NOT GET INK.  It makes a beautiful woman look cheap.  
 
Well ladies and germs ... that's it for 2015.  I must say that I was terribly disappointed that Michael Keaton did not win for Best Actor.  Maybe next time.
 
Until next year .... SMOOCHES!
 

 
 
 

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