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Saturday, April 12, 2014

AGING ...

Last night I caught Oprah’s interview with Sharon Stone on aging.  I love Oprah but sometimes I wonder what the hell she's thinking … Sharon Stone?  Who is 56 but looks 35?  Here she is on the cover of Shape ...
 




































No 56 year old I know looks like this unless they’re barfing after every meal.  COME ON OPRAH.  How come you didn’t talk to A REAL person?  It really is insulting to see you two gals gushing over “acceptance” and “embracing age” when you look like Sharon Stone.  Sharon talked about turning 40 when she took a bottle of wine into her bathroom and looked at her face in a magnifying mirror, and looked at her body and cried and cried and cried.  If she had MY body she would have slit her wrists.  Then she spoke about “internal beauty” … you know crap like wisdom and spirituality.  All in all it was completely self-serving and not realistic.  If I saw what Sharon Stone sees in the mirror I'd cry and cry and cry too ...  OUT OF HAPPINESS! 

Seriously Sharon.  I know you think you’re helping but you’re not.  You are actually pissing off a large portion of the population who would like to throttle you because they know that no one they know looks like you.  And you KNOW IT TOO.  You’re making 50+ women the world over very pissed off. 
 
And then both she and Oprah went on and on about how it pisses them off that photographers air brush and photoshop, etc., et al. (e.g see photo above) So here’s a truth for you girls … Oprah, if you had to shop at Macy’s do you think you’d find clothes to fit and make you look fabulous?  NO.  You’d be hard pressed to find flattering clothing for a woman of your age and size and I say this only with love.  Oprah … don’t do any more shows like this OK.  And if you do, use real people who have real value and real insight into what it REALLY means to age in the real world.  Not in Hollywood.  Thank you. 
 
So after that love fest I caught Lindsay Lohan on Oprahs’ OWN network.  Lindsay Lohan needs to be bitched slapped.  This is only the fourth or fifth episode but I can tell you right now if I had to work for this child I would have put a bullet in my head already.  Lindsay Lohan should count her blessings that she is not a regular person trying to live a sober life in the REAL WORLD because NO ONE would put up with her bull-shit.  At first I felt bad for her but by episode 2 anyone can see how she manipulates.  Were she a “normal” girl living in the “real world” trying to maintain sobriety working as say, a secretary, she would already have had a complete break down.  The girl cannot handle stress of ANY KIND.  It's actually scary.  And everyone around her indulges her and handles her with kid gloves.  It’s appalling.  First she’s all stressed out about getting into her new New York apartment.  Then when she finally gets into her apartment she is all stressed out when all her belongings are delivered (which truthfully, I’d be stressed out too because this girl has more shit than anyone I’ve ever known) ... she’s basically a hoarder … but a hoarder of extremely high end haute couture.  She is a big, hot mess and I honestly don’t think she’ll be able to pull it together.  She really needs to stop surrounding herself with people who fawn over her and who she can intimidate.  She is very adept at deflecting responsibility while she holds up production and makes staff and crew people wait on her all day and night only to then decide that she doesn't want to film because she needs to be alone.  Oprah had to have a sit down with her and basically told her to quit fucking up. 

Time will tell what happens to Lindsay.  Hopefully it won’t be another tragic ending to a young life.  And I really mean that. 

And, last but not least ... Kim Kardashian's ASS.  A freak of nature that defies explanation. 

 
 
 
 

 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I'VE BEEN FIGHTING THE FLU ...

for about a week now so that is why I'm home on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in my pajamas ... my hair looks like I stuck my finger in socket and I could use a shower.  While lying on the couch in misery, I have been watching marathon episodes of the Housewives of NYC.  I know I say all the time that these horrible women drive me crazy and I'm not going to watch anymore but ... I continue to tune in.  I lie to myself by not watching EVERY week but, I do make it a point to RECORD EVER SINGLE EPISODE.  It is what it is and I must accept this flaw in my character.  With that said, the main fight with the ladies in NYC is that Aviva (the one-legged wonder) has been spreading a nasty rumor all over NYC that  Carole Radziwill had her memoir "What Remains" ghost written.  OK.  This is a lie.  Carole Radiziwill has an impressive resume as a writer.  She worked on 20/20 and has written articles for magazines and yes, in fact, she has written several books and she did not have them "ghostwritten."  She wrote them all by herself.  If I were Carole I'd dot Aviva's eyes out.


Aviva, on the other hand, has also written a book.  It's called "Leggy Blonde" ... did you get that?  "LEGGY" ... cause she only has one leg (ha ha) and which is something talks about over and over and OVER ad nauseum.  Well, I happened to see this book at Target and thought to myself OH MY GOD NO SHE DIN'T.  I picked it up and was immediately insulted.  The print was GIGANTIC ... like print for a third grader.  This is done in order to make a book seem larger than it is  ... in fact, I bet that if I typed up the entire book on my computer and printed it out it would probably amount to 30 pages.  TOTAL.  Aviva  states that it takes a village to raise a child and a village to write a book.  Uh ... NO Aviva.  It doesn't.  It takes a village to help a MORON write a book, but not to help anyone who can string a sentence together.  I know because I read your book.  ALL of it.  While standing in the aisle at the market.  It took me all of 15 minutes. 

Now onto other narcissists ...

Tea Party Leader:  God is Against Efforts to Reduce Income Inequality





Rick Scarborough is the head of Tea Party Unity. Apparently, he also has a direct line to God as the Tea Party leader said that God is on the Tea Party's side and opposed “the work of progressives to reduce income inequality.”

Dear Mr. Scarborough,

Last night I spoke to Jesus and he told me he doesn't remember EVER speaking to you.  Second, he wanted me to tell you that THIS is what he said about "income inequality" ...

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
-Matthew 6:24


"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.'"
-Matthew 19:23-24

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least among you, you did not do for me.'"
-Matthew 25:41-45


And third, he's really pissed at you. 


Thursday, April 3, 2014

A QUICK, LITTLE RANT ...

Well Glenn Beck got his panties in a twist again.  He said this on his radio show:

Glenn Beck


I’m not going to waste. My. Life. I’m going to do what I was born to do! All men were created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, among these are life, liberty AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS! I have a right to pursue my happiness! I have a right to do what I was born to do, not what they tell me what to do. That’s what that phrase means!

Glenn was really mad you see because people are actually signing up for Obamacare.  Therefore he found it necessary to expound upon the "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" argument. 

Glenn, HOW is this affecting YOUR pursuit of happiness?  You're a gazillionire.  You can afford to purchase all the happiness you desire.  I, on the other hand, cannot afford to purchase happiness.  I am a drone.  I pay taxes and then, at the end of the year, I get to pay MORE taxes  

I don't have offshore accounts or write offs like you probably do.  And I would guess I paid more in taxes than you did.  My taxes go to all sorts things like ... well actually, I have no idea what my taxes are used for but do I complain?  No.  Do I whine?  No.  You know why?  BECAUSE I'M A DRONE that's why.  I don't have the $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ to buy politicians to make laws especially for me like  .... everyone has to pay taxes except for Debbie. 

As for "having a right to do what you want to do and not what they tell you to do" ... MAYBE that's true for you, but not for me.  I HAVE to do what THEY tell me to do or I go to jail.  See?  That's where we're different.  You HAVE happiness and you're not happy.  You have money and you're not happy.  You're totally pissed off because people are signing up for Obamacare.  Do see how ridiculously stupid that is?  You're MAKING yourself UNHAPPY Glenn.  See, when you're a drone you learn how to be happy being unhappy.  It's called surviving.  And I gotta be real with you ... my life is really pretty great.  I went through two layoffs but survived.  I'm working.  I get a pay check every two weeks.  I'm healthy.  In fact, just today my company laid off 40 people of which I was not one Thank You God.  So you see, you really need to count your blessings Mr. Beck.  YOU'RE RICH AND EMPLOYED. 

END.  OF.  STORY. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

THE INTERNATIONAL SISTERHOOD OF CLERICAL WORKERS ...

It is said that there is a sisterhood among women.  This I know for sure.  There are many types of sisterhoods, but the one, the most important, is the Sisterhood of Clerical Workers aka Secretarial Drones.  Those of us who serve others in the clerical arts and sciences. 

It came upon me in a flash, as most realizations do, that I had not done something correctly.  A momentary lapse in concentration, a slip, an error and then REALIZATION!  A panic descended.  Then fear.  What to do?! What to do?! 
 
 
The deed was done.  Now I was left to ponder how I would undo it.  At that moment, a lifeline descended from Heaven and into my mind came the words … “Call Elaina” my sister in the clerical arts.  I emailed her, explained the situation and she, without hesitation, appeared at my desk at the ready with empathy, no judgment and understanding.
 
How does one trace the workings of an error?  We think back, consider, remember.  We jump into action, searching the computer for telltale giveaways and clues to undo. 
 
Elaina, Master of the Computer, begins her work.  She clicks and searches, probes and types, VOILA!  A clue!  We are taken into another direction, guided we are certain, by the gods that serve menial servants such as ourselves.  With open hearted trust we follow them, with faith we plod ahead.
 
In the hours that transpired, sweat poured from Elaina's brow and anxiety took hold of my heart.  While she diligently worked, I stood behind her, frantically praying that we would not be discovered trying to undo what had already been done.  Elaina, calm in the midst of a clerical hell, continued on.  She traversed the computer as though it were a mansion with hidden rooms and locked doors.  Hoping against hope that she would find the door and key, the answer that would end my misery and right what had been wronged. 
 
THEN, MIRACULOUSLY she found it!  The illusive and dastardly dog was discovered!  Elaina, steady of hand and mind, CORRECTED the wrong, SAVED the day, and proved, once again, that the Sisterhood is alive and well … ready, willing, and able to serve another day.
 
 
The End 

Monday, March 24, 2014

KIMYE / NORTH ...

Do they look out of place or what?!  You know that saying … you can put lipstick on a pig?  Yeah.   
 
Well, at least there’s one good thing about it.  Kim can now die.  She has reached the pinnacle of narcissistic success.  Her, her big bad rapper finance, and her baby all on the cover of Vogue.  She’s worked so hard for this.  WHAT an accomplishment!  (I wonder what they paid Anna Wintour to put them on the cover?)  No.  Seriously.  I wonder what they paid her.  Because Anna Wintour doesn't like anybody.  She even made Oprah lose weight before putting her on the cover of Vogue.  And I see Kimmie has already trained little North to pout provocatively.  Nice.
 
North West furrows brows in Kimye's Vogue spread

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I wish I could write more but I just can't. 

Friday, March 14, 2014

VIGGO ...

It’s been a very, very long time, but Viggo came to see me in the ether last night.  I was stunned.  It’s been SO long.  I was with friends in a big cabin in the woods and it was very dark out.  There were quite a few of us hanging out when lo and behold, who walks in the door?  He showed up bearing gifts ... books and balls of twine, and I thought back to the first time I saw him in the library so long ago when I would try to steal glances at him without getting caught.  Now, here he was so many years later, more familiar than ever and yet strange all at the same time.

He was, as usual, in the midst of making a movie, one he was certain would win him the Academy Award.  He told me the name of it and gave me a free pass to where it was screening.  I was disappointed he didn’t give me a DVD.  The theatre that was screening it was far, far away.  He said he tried but couldn’t manage it. 
 
I found myself falling into the same old pattern ... desperately trying to appear nonchalant and at the same time wanting to tell him how much I loved him and get him alone.  But the time apart had made me feel a stranger ... incapable of the once comfortable, familiar closeness I used to feel.  And more than anything, I didn't want to appear desperate.
 
Everyone began playing games.  He jumped into acting various versions of different classic films, horror films and the like.  I didn’t like it.  He was scaring me.  Then, as usually happens in the ether, suddenly we were in the bedroom.  He was lying on the bed telling me how lonely he was.  I asked him if he had a girlfriend (already knowing about HER) and he nodded yes, but that it wasn’t working out.  Next, as can only happen in the ether, he was still lying on the bed, but now he was wearing an unbuttoned blue shirt and a pair of dark bikini underwear.  He got up off the bed and walked toward me and stood so close to me that I could feel the warmth of his body.  He stood in front of me.  He wanted me to start it.  I couldn’t.  Danny you know … no woman on the face of the earth has ever known a more cruel temptation.  But I left him there to join the others, cursing myself as I walked out of the room because I wanted so badly to grab hold of him and finally know what it would really be like to have him in that way.  The regret was tangible.  But then again, perhaps it was merely indicative of our long and strange relationship ... soul mates for always and never.   

Monday, March 3, 2014

OSCAR NIGHT!!!!
















 
 
Okay, first of all I'm a little peeved.  Every year I watch E! Live on the Red Carpet specifically because it's LIVE ON THE RED CARPET!  I don't know what the hell happened this year, but one hour prior to the broadcast there were no more LIVE interviews or footage of the stars arriving, no 360 degree camera, nothing!  The show was now consisted of Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, Kristin Cavalleri and some other lady sitting at a table commenting on PICTURES of the stars arriving ????  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  I kept thinking I missed something but NO.  So I jump over to Channel 4 and sure enough, there they are INTERVIEWING THE STARS AS THEY ARRIVE!  I WAS SO CONFUSED.  You don't know how I live for award season E! and especially The Academy Awards preshow, so E!, you will be hearing from my lawyers … you messed up BIG TIME.

OK ... let's get started!



The white gown was beautiful!  Why she changed into that black number to do her reporting duties on E! I have no idea!  She looked really beautiful in the white with the beautiful gold overlay.  For the life of me I cannot find a picture of her in the black dress?!?!?!  Ugh!  Anyway, she looked great in the white, the black - NOT so great.    White Dress - Grade:  A+   Black Dress - D-


Giuliana Rancic.  At first I really loved this gown.  I loved the taupe/beige color and the detail on the bodice but the waistline added thickness to her silhouette, don't you think?  It's a beautiful gown but the fit isn't right ... her hair is a tad severe and I think something softer would have worked better.  Anywho ... Grade:  B-
  

Maria Menonous.  I think she is SO PRETTY.  Loved this dress.  She looked very sweet and very pretty.  Love the hair, love the makeup, loved it all.  Grade:  A




Amy Adams, Best Actress nominee wore a VERY simple, VERY boring navy blue dress.  Amy ... you're a NOMINEE!  It is your job to wow us!  A long navy blue dress?  No bling, no glam???  What were you thinking?  I will say your makeup looks beautiful and your hair is okay but I have seen you look WAY better.  So unfortunately, I'm giving you a very AVERAGE C.  (psssst ... I know you've been nominated several times but one should never take an Oscar nomination in passing.  Next time ... GLAM IT UP).  FYI - her "after party dress was AMAZING!  I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDN'T WEAR IT TO THE AWARD SHOW) 

See!  She should have worn THIS on the red carpet!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Gorge!




Naomi Watts ... (she kissed Viggo in Eastern Promises ... *sigh*) I love this look.  She is so beautiful and a really incredible actress.  She looks very pretty in this beaded white gown with the black strappy shoes, but I didn't like her bag.  Grade:  B-


Julia Roberts ... the Queen of Hollywood.  What the hell???  This is the cheapest looking black lace schmata EVER.  The hair is too brassy, the bust and waist add weight to her and she needs to tone up those arms.  Not only does Julia think that she's the Queen of Hollywood I think she also thinks she no longer needs a stylist.  WRONG-O. 
Grade:  F MINUS to the nth degree plus a double minus because this is so, SO BAD. 

jennifer-lawrence-oscars-2014-academy-awards-ftr

Jennifer Lawrence (who fell down on the red carpet AGAIN ... is she smoking something funny?) Anyway, this looks a lot like Amy Adams's dress but in red, however, Jennifer looks GORGEOUS.  Simple,  elegant and GLAMOROUS (Amy, are you listening?)  Grade:  A


Lupita Nyong'o, Award Seasons Red Carpet Darling ... WOW ... absolutely beautiful.  She was perfection.  The blue was such a beautiful shade, so ethereal and feminine.  Loved the diamond headband and her makeup was flawless - Grade:  AAA+++
WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!


The very talented actress Sally Hawkins, nominated for Best Supporting Actress in Blue Jasmine.  Sally ... you DO know what alterations are for right?  Honey, it's a service most high end stores offer.  This dress for instance ... the sleeves are too long, the hem is too long, the entire frock could have been taken in one size.  It is MUCH too big on you.  Also, you're at the Academy Awards ... you should have had your hair done by a professional.  It looks as though you used your own hot rollers and then didn't even bother to brush your hair out.  So unfortunately, as much as I like you, I must, simply MUST give you a F- for ruining a beautiful dress with a terrible fit.  I'm sorry.



Angelina Jolie.  PERFECTION!  Breathtakingly beautiful, so much so that she almost doesn't look real.  The gown is beautiful however the waistline seems teeny bit baggy.  If it were cinched in a bit more I think this dress would have looked even more beautiful.  She looks absolutely gorgeous and I think I like her!  Angelina ... you're getting a BIG FAT A+++  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!



Channing Tatum and his beautiful wife Jenna.  CLASS COUPLE.  What a beautiful pair.  I LOVE her gown, her makeup, her jewels.  GORGEOUS!  Grade:  A+



The very talented Cate Blanchett, Best Actress nominee for Blue Jasmine.  She looks like an ethereal, golden princess.  I love this gown.  This is a winner, grade:  A

matthew mcconaughey camila alves matching couple on oscars 2014 red carpet 02

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves.  I think he needs to gain a little more weight but he looks mighty handsome in his white jacket.  Camila, now I LOVE pink as much as the next gal, I really do, but I think this is WAY too much … pink dress, pink shoes, pink bag.  TOO MUCH PINK.  And I don't get the cape thing?  She looks beautiful, but I'm just not feeling this.  It's too mature or something. 
Camila - Grade:  C
Matthew - Grade:  A 



Christy Tiegen John Legend's wife.  I do not like this gown AT ALL.  That pattern looks like the stenciling kits you can buy at Ikea.  I know she is supposed to be some big ol super model but personally I think she is really weird looking ... her face is way too wide and round.  Grade:  F- 

 

I LOVE Charlize Theron.  She is so beautiful however this gown is not working ... at least for me.  I do not like the way the black straps just square off and end and then the plastic straps continue.  I think if they were spaghetti straps it would have looked much sexier.  Grade:  C+



I love Sandra Bullock, Best Actress Nominee.  I really like this navy blue gown.  It's very glamorous and she looks very simple and elegant.  Grade:  A



Penelope Cruz.  I LOVE pink with black therefore I love this beautiful, feminine, Grecian  styled dress!  She looks beautiful.  Love the hair,  love the makeup, love the jewels.  This is perfect!  Grade:  AAA
 
 
Elsa Pataky.  She's a beautiful woman and this is a gorgeous gown however, this is NOT how you do pregnancy on the Red Carpet.  She literally looks like she's carrying a sac of her young and any minute I expect a ton of baby spiders to come crawling out!  ICK!!!!!  Grade:  EEEEEK!
 



Olivia Wilde.  The MOST BEAUTIFUL pregnant woman on the red carpet.  THIS is how you do it Elsa.  Grade:  A+

 
 
Portia De Rossi - GORGE!  Perfection!  Grade:  AAA WINNER WINNER WINNER!
 
 
Ireland Baldwin.  What the hell are YOU doing here?  Honey, you're running a very great risk of being overexposed before you're exposed.  Again, you're only 17 but hon ... you look 25.  that might thrill you now ... in another 10 years, not so much.  Word to the wise?  Go to college.  


Anna Kendrick.  This entire look is a big fat mess.  The hair is terrible, the dress has got way too much going on and I don't like that sheer panel with the red do-dads.  She's striking a Jolie pose which isn't helping matters and the jewels are ALL wrong.  Girl, WHO is your stylist???? 
Grade:  DOUBLE F -

 

OK.  Seriously, I can't stand Miss Jada, however the dress is beautiful and she looks great in it.  She has a rockin' body but what the hell did she do to her face???  I think she had too much collagen shot into those cheeks.  (pssst ... Jada, if you're not careful you might end up looking like Kim Novak.  EEK.  Grade:  A-



 
The truly gorgeous Kim Novak in her hey day.  I can imagine it would be really painful to age when you looked like this, but to do this to yourself ....
 

 

 
 
 
I mean it's terribly sad.  She looks like the kid from Mask.
Well ladies and germs, that's it.  2014 Academy Awards is now over and a thing of the past.  Until next year ... here's hoping Viggo gets a nomination for his role in Two Faces of January!