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Monday, August 29, 2016

HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK ...

 

OK.  It's been a long LONG time since I blogged about these bitches, but last week's episode was especially juicy.  Allow me to update you all on the latest.  LuAnn, the Countess of Taste and Living Large became engaged to the love of her life after dating three weeks.  What can you say ... when you know, YOU KNOW.  To celebrate her engagement and eventual marriage the ladies all went down to Miami for a Bachelorette party and ... well unfortunately, all hell broke loose.  You see it seems there are a couple of other housewives who ALSO KNOW LuAnn's man.  That is to say ... in the sack.  NOW, I for one was not the least bit surprised about Sonja Morgan being one of the aforementioned lovahs because it is no secret that Sonja is a little hot to trot, but Ramona?!  I think she was supposedly still married to Mario when they "dated".  OK I've been married for twenty years and it may just be me, but I thought once you married the dating thing stopped?  Anywhoo, LuAnn is on Cloud Nine and floating right down the river of denial and is not concerned in the least that she hardly knows this man.  She is blissfully in love with the idea of being in love and also with her gazillion carat engagement ring.  

Well, because Bethenny has friends who get out and about, one of these "friends" saw the Countess's fiancee making out with a person of the female persuasion at the bar of the St. Regis hotel where EVERYONE KNOWS THE COUNTESS!  Apparently, Tom has not been very faithful to the Countess.  Said "friend" snapped a pic and sent it to Bethenny. 

YUP.  A PICTURE OF THE MAN ENGAGING IN THE DIRTY DEED.  Bethenny withholds this information until the last day of LuAnn's bridal party trip to Miami and drops the bomb on LuAnn the day they are to leave.  LuAnn, understandably loses her shit, gets on the phone with her intended, and accuses him of humiliating her to all of New York. 

FAST FORWARD to now. 



LuAnn has now explained how devastated Tom was to have hurt LuAnn so because he REALLY REALLY loves her and her cash and, what can she say?  He fucked up.  We all make mistakes right?  So La Marriage is still on and Tom, the aggrieved fiancĂ©e, telephoned Dorinda, the housewife who introduced them, to inform her of "THE STORY" that will be told about his alleged infidelity of which he cannot remember because he was drunk.  Dorinda was SHOCKED and said that she would not lie for them.  So long story short, I don't think LuAnn is inviting ANY housewives to her nuptials which are still on because she is desperate and needs to prove everyone wrong even though this marriage will last about as long as the three week engagement.  Whatevah.

You know there's nothing sadder than an old broad who is still that desperate to be with a man.  Honestly, you can look at it one of two ways.  Either she is eternally hopeful and optimistic, or she is desperately needy to the point of seeing what everyone else can see and refuses to do so.  So with that said, LuAnn I wish you lots of luck ... you're gonna need it. 

And Countess ... p.s.  Please change your tired hairstyle.  Thank you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

WORK ...

I decided to drive to work today.  BIG MISTAKE.

Yesterday the “express” bus was early.  I saw it arrive as I was racing down Olive Street to catch it.  There it was like a beacon, waiting, as I stood on the corner across the street with a gigantic red light staring at me.  I knew the light would not change in time.  I knew I wasn't going to make it so there was no point in running so I just opted to take the “regular” bus (or as I refer to it, the gente bus)… that’s the bus that stops one hundred and fifty-five times and has a various assortment of folks getting on and off, and passengers racing to get to the good seat that has just been vacated.  Needless to say it was crowded with humanity and luckily I managed to get a seat by the window where I stayed put. It was a super crowded ride home and the one good thing about being an older gal is that you don't have to feel guilty for sitting and not offering your seat to someone older than you because you're old too. 

Halfway home our bus driver pulls over and stops and instructed all of us to de-bus and get on the bus behind us.  “What?  Do I have to pay again?”  No.  So everyone on the bus empties out and gets on the other bus that was more crowded than the first bus we were on.  Add to that the one crazy man up front talking nonstop to the poor bus driver who didn’t have the heart to punch him in the throat.  You will get one of these crazies at least once a week.  There was once a drug addicted meth addict who got on the bus in East LA and then cursed a blue streak while she talked to herself.  She become so unruly at one point that the bus driver had to step in and scold her.  Her response?  She got off at the next stop and told everyone to go fuck themselves. 

I got home at 7 pm.  An hour and fifteen minutes to travel thirteen miles.  Yes.  Thirteen Miles.  On a Saturday with no traffic it takes 20 minutes to drive it.  But this isn’t Saturday.  THAT is why I decided to drive in today.  I didn’t want to deal with a crowded, hot bus and the dregs of humanity breathing on me.  Know how long it took me to get to work?  An hour and 15 minutes.  By the time I got to work I needed a nap. 

See the stairs ... horrible.
Most days I take the bus.  But once I get off the walk to my office consists of climbing up 180 stairs of which I have to stop and rest, pant, and then I can continue on as younger, fitter dick wads race past me two steps at a time.  Years ago right beside this stairway was the famous Angel’s Flight which was a little cable car on a tram that carried you up to Bunker Hill where my office is.  Unfortunately, several years ago the little cable car came careening down the track killing an elderly man who was inside it and it has been out of use ever since.  So now, I have to climb the steps, which for me is me akin to climbing Everest except that it smells like urine, is littered with dog shit, old hypodermic needles, broken beer bottles and an occasional bum wrapped in a blanket talking to himself. 
This is my morning commute.  Every.  Day.  

Thank you.




Thursday, August 18, 2016

IN LIGHT OF THE CURRENT ELECTION CYCLE ...

I thought I'd repost a little ditty I wrote back in 2011.  I wrote a funny little post about my running for president which I thought was hilarious although there were some who called me Socialist. 







Repost - 2011





So after much thought and serious consideration I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and run for President (hell, if Michelle Bachman and Donald Trump can do it then so can I). I am running for the Truth, Freedom and Fairness Party and this is what I'm gonna do for YOU! 
 

1. No wars. EVER.




2. Tax the excrement out of all rich bankers/CEOs and Wall Street billionaires (no excuses, no tax loopholes/tax shelters or write-off's, EVER. You will pay 50% income tax on all of your earnings in full, every year, WITHOUT QUESTION, for the rest of your lives. Thank you. (happy face)




3. No taxes, EVER for any working stiff. They've paid enough taxes to last the next five decades. Under my Presidency, all working Joe's will get a big fat break including 4 weeks of paid vacation every year and sick days when you're sick. And NO MORE "AT WILL" employment or "RIGHT TO WORK" states EVER.
 
4. Wall Street - next time you get into a jam ... YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. PERIOD.





5. All the jobs that have been "outsourced" must come back to the United States IMMEDIATELY and all super, wealthy CEO's who sold out America by outsourcing jobs will now have to hire American workers at no less than $30 an hour, provide medical/dental and vision insurance, long term disability and also provide a cost of living raise EVERY YEAR for EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE. PERIOD. (Watch how fast the economy picks up!  Your little pinheads will spin).

6. All monies (taxes) that have been used to fund the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya
(and God knows where else cause you know all these politicians lie like a bunch of rugs) must be refunded to every single taxpayer with a letter of apology and a complete accounting of what every penny was used for.  IN DETAIL.






7. The draft will be re-instituted. However, we will not take the young. The young will be provided with free college educations and/or training in the area of whatever their heart's may desire. The draft will now consist of rich, fat, flag-waving, right wing Americans who so love America ... now, YOU CAN PROVE IT. We will start with the TV and radio personalities, Limbaugh, Beck, O'Reilly, Coulter, etc.) You fuckers go fight for a while - lose a limb, an eye, a ball ... I don't give a crap. And, upon your return, when you are suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome ... TOO BAD. No aid for you. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps and deal with it.






8. Women will now make more money than men. FOREVER. And no sexual harassment of any kind will be tolerated EVER. PERIOD. END OF STORY. Furthermore, any trial or mediation that may result from a sexual harassment charge, the "Harasser" will heretofore be considered GUILTY until proven INNOCENT. Put that in you pipes and smoke it ... assholes.
 


9. ANYONE caught lying/bribing/cheating/stealing/whoring will be banned from public office. FOREVER. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. And get some therapy ... on your own dime you jerk-offs.


10. And last but not least, lunch at all places of employment, from now on will now be two hours long. You've worked hard all your lives .... enjoy your lunch dammit!



SO ... COME ON EVERYBODY! WHOSE WITH ME?!
   








SEE!  HILARIOUS RIGHT?!   

FOR THIS ELECTION CYCLE I WILL ADD THE FOLLOWING TO MY PLATFORM:




1.  Instead of ousting and denying Muslims entry into this country, I’m going to oust all rich, white, billionaires, CEO’s, hedge fund managers, and  bankers who are currently living in the United States and send them off to the countries where they're hiding all their illegally earned and non-taxed cash.





2.  I’m going to carpet bomb (well, maybe area rug bomb) Trump Tower, Wall Street, and all Walmarts, and if innocent people die … oh well. 




3.  I’m going to make all the cowardly, rich, white, right wing conservatives who were YELLOW during the Vietnam war (e.g., Donald Trump, Dick Cheney, George W., Rush Limbaugh, Mitt Romney, and just for good measure I'm going to throw in Ted Cruz, Mike Pence and Chris Christie) and send them all to Afghanistan.  Stay there for about a year.  Absorb.  Then … I want you to write me a paper in 1,000 words or less, about how you really feel about “boots on the ground.”




4.  I want Donald Trump and Mike Pence to build the wall separating Mexico from the U.S.  And I mean the two of them alone.  Yes.  You read correctly.  Donald and Mike.  You guys buy the bricks, get the mortar, build the wall.  And Donald, since you're very VERY rich (as you love to keep reminding everyone) the cost of this undertaking should be just a drop in the bucket for a gazillionaire like you.  You can pay for all the supplies.  [insert happy face here].  I know it's daunting, but it will make you the darling of the Tea Party, so look at it as labor well invested. 



And, last but not least ...





5.  I  want all of you to study the Constitution and report to me (with citations and references) all instances where it says that you can BOMB anyone, anywhere, anytime. 





Thank you.

SO ... WHOSE WITH ME?!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

RE-RUN ...

A Whine ...

I HATE bending over.  If I'm sitting in a chair and I drop my pen and I have to bend over to pick it up I'm all FUCK!  Whenever I vacuum and the vacuum does not pick up a tiny piece of paper or a sliver of thread that I've already passed the vacuum over ten times I will leave it there until the next time I vacuum.  And you know that that damn piece of paper or sliver of thread will remain on the carpet in the exact same location until the end of time until I finally bend over and pick it up.  However, if I happen to catch the edge of the bedspread with the vacuum cleaner that vacuum will suck up the entire bedspread.  WHY IS THAT?  Or how come whenever I drop an earring or some other precious memento onto the carpet and the only LOGICAL PLACE ON EARTH it could possibly be is within a small diameter of space where I dropped it but, somehow despite the rules of quantum physics, time and space, that fucken earring will have bounced from the spot on the carpet and magically appear downstairs under the sink?  I HATE when that happens.

The other day I lost my glasses.  I had them in my hand.  I FELT them in my hand.  I KNOW they were in my hand and then ... they were gone.  I was in the living room when I lost them.  I didn't leave the living room, go upstairs and make a cartwheel and then go into the kitchen.  The only logical place they could possibly be was somewhere in the living room.  I looked and looked and looked and cursed a blue streak because THEY WERE IN MY FUCKING HAND TWO SECONDS AGO!!!  And I swear, whenever these types of things happen I am certain I am losing my mind.  How could something be there and then ... be gone?  It's like magic.  So, after going upstairs three times to search for my stupid glasses (even though I KNEW there was no way in hell they were going to be upstairs ... I go upstairs anyway) and they're not there.  I retrace my steps for 20 minutes until I finally give up.  I sit on the couch to watch TV and now I can't find the remote.  CRAP.  I look around and see it on the floor ... AND OF COURSE I have to bend over to pick it up ... and THERE ... between the end table and the sofa ... were my glasses.