Sunday, November 30, 2014


President Barack Obama, with daughters Sasha, second from right, and Malia, right, reaches out to touch "Cheese" after pardoning the turkey as part of the annual Thanksgiving tradition, Nov. 26, 2014, at the White House in Washington.

The communications director for a Republican member of Congress ignited a firestorm this weekend after she criticized President Obama's teenage daughters in a Facebook post that touched a nerve.

"Try showing a little class," Elizabeth Lauten said.  "Rise to the occasion.  Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at the bar, and certainly don't make faces during televised, public events." 

She then got to the point she REALLY wanted to make and that was "your mother and father don't respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I'm guessing you're coming up a little short in the 'good role model' department." 

After igniting a shit storm of a backlash Ms. Lauten said the following:

"I quickly judged the two young ladies in a way that I would never wanted to be judged myself as a teenager.  After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents and re-reading my words online I can see more clearly just how hurtful my words were."  

OK.  After MANY HOURS OF PRAYER?  And after TALKING TO HER PARENTS and RE-READING HER WORDS, she was able to see how hurtful her words were. 

Dear Ms. Lauten:

(1)  How old are you that you still need to talk to your parents when you've done something bad?  You sound like a fourteen year old.    

(2)  If you just wanted to state how much you hate Michelle and Barak Obama and what terrible parents and role models they are, why didn't you just say that? 

And finally ....

(3)  After much prayer, God told me you're an idiot. 

NEXT ...


Awwww.  She's a cutie pie in black fur and she's her mama's best friend ...

They're best friends because they have the same IQ. 

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


I wrote this in January 2012.  At that time I'd been unemployed for the second time in four years and was going on a year and a half with NO JOB, NO PROSPECTS, NO INTERVIEWS, NO NOTHING ... and I was really losing hope.  I hope you enjoy it. 


So, I had an appointment with the City of _________ (I'd tell you but I'm seriously afraid of retribution) anyway, I got the letter in the mail a few weeks ago informing me that I QUALIFIED and MET WITH THEIR REQUIREMENTS and was INVITED to TEST for the Executive Secretary Position.  After I came to from fainting due to shock that I actually heard back from someone, I was overcome with joy, gratitude, and hope.  That is until ... 

Today.  I just got home from the testing session.  First of all, the testing was scheduled for 6:00 p.m., which I thought was a little weird, but at the same time I was grateful because I am SO NOT A MORNING person ... especially if you're going to put me in a classroom setting which for me is the equivalent of taking an Ambien.

So, I arrive promptly, one half hour prior to the testing, as the letter suggested.  There were probably 70 people there all vying for ONE position.  Yes.  You read correctly.  ONE position.  I took a book because I cannot stand staring into space for even five seconds.    SO, after I took the time and effort to arrive one half hour early, to show "I care" and to make "an impression," the guy who was conducting the testing session apologizes because his colleague was running late and we couldn't start without her.  FUCKEN A!!!  Why is it there is ALWAYS ONE ASSHOLE who is late?!?!  Ugh!!  My biggest pet peeve of all time.  BE ON TIME DAMMIT! 

Also, consider this ... of these 70 people, imagine all of those who applied and were NOT invited to test.  I'd say three-hundred, easy. 

It was a room full of beaten down, been there done that, desperate looking people.  How I wish I had a video camera and could have gone around the room interviewing everyone and getting their stories.  Then, I'd write an opinion piece and send it to the White House.  I KNOW, I KNOW ... I'm just saying. 

So, the two gals at my table were employed, but both were dealing with horrendous drives and wanted to find something closer to home.  I didn't want to tell them but ... WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY LADIES!!!  Who doesn't want to work 10 minutes from home?!  One gal was in her mid-20's and the other was probably in her late 30's.  I'M FIFTY FUCKEN FIVE!  I spent my entire LIFE driving to and from work in horrible traffic every day for 30 years.  Cry me a fucken river.  (Gee, I just read this back and I sound so hostile).

There were one hundred questions on the test and I have to say that whenever I see one of those forms with those little circles that have to be filled in with a no. 2 pencil I get apoplectic.  It reminds me of all those tests I had to take in school to determine whether I was smart or dumb.  I never knew how I scored on any of those tests, but if my teachers opinions were correct, I was fairly certain that I was somewhere near the "dumb" category and "always interrupts and talks too much."  Bastards.

Test gets underway.  After about an hour and a half people start getting up to leave ... because they finished their test ... because they're smarter than I am, and because they can read faster and deduce better.  I immediately start to speed up.  See ... I can't help it ... I KNOW I'm smart, in my own way.  My mind is quick, in it's own way, but that is not what is being tested here.  If everyone were given an assignment to write a humorous blog about "being unemployed and trying to find a job" -- I would venture to guess that I'D ACE that assignment.  *SIGH* ... 

The gig pays about the same as my last job and they do provide "some" benefits (SOME?  That right there is suspect) ... they also told us they'd start scheduling interviews about two weeks after the test.  I tried not to laugh out loud when he said that ... 

So THAT, ladies and germs, was my latest foray into the land of the gainfully employed.  Wish me luck.  


Tuesday, November 11, 2014


Kris Jenner has gone and gotten herself a new boyfriend.  This is Kris Jenner celebrating her FIFTY-NINTH birthday with her new boyfriend Corey Gamble (33 years old), who just happens to be Justin Bieber's road manager.  

FINALLY!  After all her hard work!  She has everything she's ever wanted!  She has it all!  And she looks great!  Thanks to her plastic surgeon she has the face of a 30 year old and the boobs of 40 year old.  

And now she's got a hunky, sexy new boyfriend to go with her new life.  Wow, how great! 

Look at that smile on his face.  You know what that smile says to me? 

The dude probably has plenty of coin himself but let's face it ... Kris Jenner is FILTHY rich.  And you have to BE pretty filthy to get that rich.  Pimping out your children?  Filthy.  Selling sex tapes and turning your daughter's shame into profit?  Filthy.  Aren't mothers supposed to teach their children morals and self-respect?  Yeah well ... Miss Kris sure isn't going to win Mother of the Year anytime soon that's for sure.  Never, have I seen a woman so intent on being like her younger, sexier daughters.  And now that she has a new boyfriend they can REALLY be "girlfriends!"  They can have sleep overs and give each other pedicures and talk about the size of their boyfriends' dicks!  How fun!

Word to the wise Kris ... better be careful or Khloe might steal him away from you.  Or Kendall.  Or Kylie.  (Kris .... you have heard of Demi Moore right?)

As for Bruce, he's been dating Kris's best friend.  Considering this, I don't think they're BFF's anymore because once you start dating your best friend's ex-husband well, that kind of puts a big ol damper on the friendship wouldn't you say?  

Damn would I love to be a fly on the wall during one of their conversations.   In print they're so civilized but in real life YOU JUST KNOW that shits gotta get real.  I wonder if Kris will televise this part of their lives on KUWTK.  Bruce's new relationship vs. Her new relationship; who's getting more sex; who's getting better sex.  I, for one, wouldn't put it past her.  Personally, I can't wait for the program that will air 15 years from now when all the Kardashians talk about what REALLY went down all those years ago ...


Bruce will remarry and live happily ever after.  He will revel in the use of his gonads and spine which Kris obligingly sold back to him for an inflated and unreasonable fee, but to Bruce it was worth it.  He is a new man.  He flies his little helicopters and plays golf all day long to his heart's content and no one nags the shit outta him.    

Kris will continue to date and remarry at least two more times.  Once all her children finally cut the umbilical cord and live their own lives in their own homes with their own children she will have a nervous breakdown and will be committed to a mental institution where she will reminisce constantly and talk to herself nonstop to no one.  The reason for her breakdown?  No paparazzi or cameras in her face 24/7.  The staff at the hospital have made sure to have plenty of mirrors on the walls.  This seems to calm her down and makes her happy.      

Kim will morph into Kris and North West will shoot her first Playboy Centerfold at age 12.  Kim will go on to marry three more times and have four more daughters which is great because girls are fantastic at making porn money.   

Kendall will go on to superstar status as a model and actress totally eclipsing all of her family members and her relationship with Kim will suffer the most especially after she wins the Oscar for portraying Kim in a gritty drama based on her life. 

Kylie will go on to marry Jaden Smith and divorce him after having triplets.  She will then have her own talk show where various topics such as:  Sex Toys - Yes or No?  And How Young Is Too Young for your Daughter to Date -- 11 or 12?  All will be discussed ad nauseum. 

Khloe will remarry and happily fade away from public life.  She will live a peaceful, happy existence with her husband who, oddly enough, is not a professional athlete.  After having two children and gaining 200 lbs. an amazing thing happened ... instantaneous anonymity!  No one recognizes her anymore!  And she loves it!  How liberating it is to be big, fat, and normal!

Rob will go on to law school, graduate and become an advocate for brow-beaten men everywhere.  He will be the next Gloria Allred (but for dudes).  He will go on to make loads of money which he will invest in seminars and weekends designed to help men find their testicles.  He said that being on KUWTK helped him to find his calling in life.  Helping men find themselves and ridding them of the ball-busting women they married is now his life's work. 

As for Kourtney, she now has six children all with Scott Disick.  Those two crazy kids ... can't live with each other or without each other.  They have not married and have no plans to do so in the future.  After all, what's a piece of paper?  Disick is still an alcoholic and a moron, and Kourtney is still the voice of reason in a sea of unreasonableness.

So there you have it.  This will go into my "Time Capsule" of blog posts.  November 2029 I'll pull it out and we'll compare notes.  If any of you would like to add your predictions, feel free.  After all, TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.


Thursday, November 6, 2014


(This tool right here)
I really don't see what difference this is going to make considering the Republicans have basically refused to work with President Obama on anything since day one of his presidency.  I think it's actually pretty comical that the Republicans are so jubilant over this win because Obama is STILL, after all, THE PRESIDENT.  Remember folks, this is the party that brought the government to a complete and total standstill over Obamacare.  Something that was legally voted into law.  But again, that's politics.  I must say though, I thoroughly enjoyed Ted Cruz reading Green Eggs and Ham from Senate Floor ... let that sink in for just a minute.

So for now, the Republicans have the power.  When they fuck everything up, then we'll vote the Democrats back into power.  When they fuck everything up, we'll vote the Republicans back into power, when they fuck everything up, we'll put the Democrats back into power and so on and so on and so on.

Having worked in the political arena for a year and a half I can tell you that politics is a disgusting, horrible, soulless game.  And not that I am a political expert at all, but having been IN IT, surrounded by the people that most folks look up to and vote for, well ... let me tell you, up close and personal, most of these people are the definition of smarmy.  And they are ALL bought and paid for.  Really.  BOUGHT.  AND.  PAID.  FOR.  You do this for me, and I'll do that for you.  The right, the left, Democrats and Republicans.  It doesn't matter.  The GOOD people, those with souls and a conscience, are merely laughed out of the room.  It's disgusting.

Don't you find it interesting that no one other than the Republicans and the Democrats participate in the debates?  No Independents, no Green Party, NO OTHER PARTIES are ever represented.  When Ralph Nader ran as an Independent in 2004 he was not allowed to participate in the debates.  Why is that?  I mean really?  Why is that?  I know that a lot of people think Ralph Nader is a looney toon, but Sarah Palin is about as smart as a tire iron and she participated in the presidential debates.  And if you wanna talk about looney toons, Michelle Bachman is seriously living on another planet.       

To bar any candidate from participating in the most American of activities - the Presidential Elections, is for one thing UNAMERICAN.  For another, it hinders the process and cheats the public out of knowing who is running and what their platforms are.  I think we need MORE choices.  The two party system does not serve us anymore.  Republican/Democrat - two sides of the same coin.  Both corporate owned.  The Koch Brothers, who own the media and buy politicians like Monopoly tokens tell the politicians what to say and how to say it.  They fill the airwaves and Fox News with "entertainers" like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to spew their ridiculous nonsense out into the ether and people who do not have the time nor inclination to educate themselves latch on to their five minute sound bites and call it "thinking."  They also tell us who to vote for by deciding who we will watch in the debates.  And the left does the same thing however, the left is not nearly as crazy as the right.  There is no comparison when you're talking about hate mongers like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter.

Doesn't it concern you that you are fed your choices?  God forbid the American people have a CHOICE OTHER than a Republican or a Democrat.  That would throw a major monkey wrench in the whole process.

Wouldn't you love to see a candidate who actually says what he or she really believes in instead of reciting politically correct B.S. like a robot?  It's for this reason I didn't vote.  None of these people tell you the truth.  We don't know how they really feel about anything.  They're all voting on issues that they have been bought and paid for to vote on by the gazillionaires who have given them billions of dollars specifically for that reason.  Here's the money - vote my way.  It is all just a disgusting game in which the real losers are the People they serve fuck and lie to. 

Despite what may seem like cynicism on my part, I really am a true believer, and I agree wholeheartedly with the brilliant George Carlin ...

Please.  Take a listen and enjoy.


Monday, November 3, 2014


OH God.  Jennifer Lopez has gone and written herself a book.  Guess what it's called?  Are you ready?  "TRUE LOVE".  She's doing the whole promotion thing, hitting all the talk shows and TOTALLY crying about how Ben Affleck broke her heart and FINALLY admitting that she's afraid to be alone. 

NO.  NOT YOU JENNIFER.  YOU'RE AFRAID TO BE ALONE???  BUT YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL ....YOU'RE SO SEXY ... NOOOOOOO ... AND she's even admitting she has self-esteem issues.

Jen, the entire fucken world knows you're afraid to be alone.  How do we know this?  Because you have NEVER been alone.  You overlap relationships one after another.  I KNEW Ben Affleck wouldn't marry you.  And I don't think it was heartbreak you were feeling ... it was shock.  Shock that ANYONE would leave you and FEAR that there was no one waiting in the wings.  OH WAIT.  If I remember correctly, Ben Affleck left you at the alter in January of 2004.  That June you married Marc Anthony.  A mere FIVE MONTHS after your got your heart broken.  [insert Nene Leaks here] PLEASE girlfriend.  That does not describe a broken heart.  A broken heart is when all you do is cry and smoke cigarettes for three months.  You can't eat or sleep and you torture yourself by thinking, thinking, THINKING about what you said and what you did that made him leave.  You make yourself crazy wanting to know why, why, WHYYYYYY!!!  Then, you typically go through a man-hating period after which you start to wonder (but only if you're in touch with yourself and evolving as a human being) Hey?  Maybe it's me?  Then, you get yourself a good therapist and commit to that for about a year, preferably more.  Slowly you start to getting your shit together, you heal your broken heart, you learn new tools and take better care of your heart.  THEN ... and only then, do you even consider dating again.  That is what a NORMAL person does.  Only a CRAZY person gets dumped and IMMEDIATELY marries someone, ANYONE, two months later. 
You, Jennifer ... are a CRAZY person.

Allow me to elaborate if you will ... get into your head so to speak, and tell me if I'm wrong ...

After making "Selena" you marry sexy waiter Ojani Noa.  You marry him because he was super good looking and sexy and you thought about how poor Selena's life was cut short and here you are, young, alive, and in love and you have this hunky guy that you don't even know but what the hell!  I think I'll marry him!  ... Result:  Marriage No. 1.

When the blush was off that rose (approximately ONE year later) you divorce Ojani and immediately jumped into Puffy's bed. Your relationship with Puffy lasted the expected two years and ends mainly because he was totally ruining your reputation and people were beginning to think of you as some low-life gang banging chick and you couldn't have that!  Jenny from the Block is NO gang banging chick!  Hence -- you kick Puffy to the curb.

You immediately take up with your back up dancer Cris Judd (while you were still dating Puffy you two-timing bitch) ... you marry Cris .... because OHMYGOD you couldn't believe you found love again ... RESULT:  Marriage No. 2.

While STILL married to poor ol Cris Judd you two timed him with Ben Affleck you back stabbing whore.  You got engaged to Ben Affleck (OF COURSE) ... he buys you a gigantic pink diamond, you go on national T.V. to tell the entire world how he proposed to you by dropping rose petals all over your living room floor blah blah blah and then you have the gall to say on national t.v. that you just can't understand why people are so interested in your life and your relationship.  You and Ben caused a fucken media storm wherever you went and even coined a popular phrase "Bennifer" ... Thank you for that Jen.  BUT, Ben came to his senses in the nick of time and got out while the getting was good.  THREE WEEKS later (exactly twenty-one days) after getting your heart broken [insert nene leaks here] you start seeing Marc Anthony.  You marry him forty-five minutes later (actually, four months but hell, who's counting), you popped out a set of twins, divorced Marc, and began dating a child, Casper Smart, three months later.  

Now you're ALONE. 

Most chicks figure this shit out by the time they're 30.  You are WAY behind schedule and you're like what?  FORTY-FIVE now?  Do you even know who you are?  And you have the audacity to WRITE A BOOK?  Oh honey. 
YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND SIT THE HELL DOWN.  When you have spent at least one to two years in complete solitude without a man within a thousand yards or more, then MAYBE we can talk.  Until then, you have nothing to say to anyone.  People are only going to buy your stupid book to get the 411 on all the men you banged and how good they were, or weren't, in bed, but we all know you don't care about that as long as they BUY THE BOOK ... CHA CHING!

And there you have it ... TRUE LOVE.   $$$$$$$$$