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Friday, November 29, 2013

BLACK FRIDAY ....

 
So this right here is the LAST PLACE ON EARTH you'd find me.  Black Friday.  Masses of people BUYING SHIT. Truthfully, I'm all for a bargain, but if I have to deal with crowds of ANY KIND I'd rather pay full price. 
 
Is the aggravation of waiting in lines and fighting for stuff your idea of having a good time?  There isn't enough Valium in the world for me to deal with that. 
 
Here is my theory ... life in 2053.  
 
The United States of America has now become the world's largest shopping mall.  People from all over the world will fly here to buy shit.  All of the citizens of the USA will be trained in the service industry.  No more doctors, lawyers or Indian chiefs.  We will all be clerks serving the worlds customers.  Don't laugh.  Look at the picture above!  If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does. 
 
HAPPY HOLIDAYS SUCKERS. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS RED CARPET ...

So I decided to blog about the American Music Awards Red Carpet because people always ask me why I didn't.  So, even though I don't know anybody, Ima bloggin'.  So, bear with me as I critique, applaud and castigate ...
 
 
The beautiful Christina Aguilera.  Christina has this platinum thing down pat but I think she needs to CHANGE HER LOOK.  I've been saying this for years.  Lose the platinum blonde hair and soften up the makeup.  You are BEAUTIFUL and you look great now that you've lost some weight, but I would really encourage you to break out of this 1950's bombshell Jayne Mansfield look.  It's OLD, DONE and OVAH.  However, I am giving you an A+ because you DO look fab.  BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME.  I don't want to see this look again.  Seriously ... I'm trying to help you.
 
 
Chili and T-Boz of TLC.  Chili ... that is a MUFFIN TOP from hell.  The colorful cut out peek-a-boo top is ... well, right now words escape me.  You're a very pretty woman but you need to get a stylist cause girl ... you need some serious help in the fashion area.  T-Boz ... leather jacket, bustier and boots with jingle jangles .... definitely a Glamour DON'T.  Grade:  D-    You girls should pool your resources, hire a stylist and take another shot at it because this is HORRIBLE.
 

 

Daisy Fuentes.  Beautiful.  You can never go wrong with black and white.  Tres elegant.  She hasn't aged a day ... Botox?  Fillers?  Juvederm?  Whatever girl.  You look fantastic.  Love the dress, love the hair, love the bag, love it all.  Grade:  A+



Oh oh.  Casper Smart (J-Lo's boy toy) ... when a boy toy starts making the scene on the Red Carpet sans his lady boss love you can bet your ass someone has just been given a nice pay day to go away.  Even in a nice suit he still looks like a horny 14 year old.  Grade:  B-  



Heidi fucken Klum HAS to be EVERYWHERE.  Don't you ever stay home?!  Every red carpet, award show, movie premier, etc., etc., etc.  Heidi, Heidi, Heidi.  Grade:  F-   Too much black.  Lose the fringe and put on some lipstick.   Ugh. 


Kathy and Rich Wakile.  What the hell are you guys doing here????? 


Oh Look!  It' Kendall and Kylie!  Without their mama Kris!  Kendall is the pretty one on the left.  Kylie is the other one.  Girls?!  When does your sex tape come out?!  Or is mama still negotiating?  Can't wait! 


Ciara.  Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.  Love the dress, love the hair, love the makeup, love it all.  Grade:  A+


Taylor Swift.  Adorable.  Love the gold!  She looks like a gold goddess, however, I don't like that sheer panel in the front.  It looks like they didn't have time to finish the dress and that makes it look cheap.  Other than that, she looks quite beautiful.  Grade:  A



R. Kelly.  Dude, you look like a Black Russian in a leather Cossack.  WTF?  Leather pants,  leather skirt, long black shirt, and a black leather jacket.  Make up your mind.  R ... there's a rule of thumb when you're getting ready to leave the house.  Take a look in the mirror and remove something.  Since you weren't wearing a bracelet or a scarf ... removing the skirt probably would have been wise.  Grade:  F-



Marc Anthony I LOVE you but why didn't you dress up?!  You're at an award show!  Put on a suit!  You look like you're going to grab a pizza and some beer.  Though I hate to do it, you're getting a D-   
Someone of your stature and talent should dress the part.  Get it together please.


GOOD GOD.  Billy Ray Cyrus and Wayne Newton.  I thought Wayne Newton was dead.  I now see he just looks dead.  Wayne, you should ask your surgeon if he could remove the stitches and let your face fall back into place?  I think it would make a huge improvement.  Billy, trim the hair and the beard.  You look like a scruffy homeless man and it's breaking my achy breaky heart.  Ask Miley to hire you a stylist.  Grade:  F and F, respectively. 


Katy Perry.  Adorable.  However, I really wish she'd get rid of the BLACK BLACK hair and show off her natural blonde hair  ... I think she'd look gorgeous.  The dress is kinda funky but that's Katy's style.  She has a great body and she's kitschy and campy.  Grade:  B+


Naya Rivera.  GORGEOUS GIRL.  This is the winner of the night.  A A A PLUS! 


Miley Cyrus.  I hardly recognized her with her clothes on.  This outfit is ill fitting ... the pants look terrible - wrinkly and too big.  Jacket is ok, but her hair and makeup are lacking .... she looks like a tomboy.  And something's missing????   Class, perhaps? 
Grade:  D


JOAN!!!  You look great.  Thin and sexy but you've had a little work haven't you?  Your eyes are slanting up a bit and those cheek bones look awfully plumped.  I think a long flowy skirt would have looked better considering you're wearing that high collared jacket.  Kind of reminds me of Maleficient ...



Lady Godiva Ga Ga.  Mhmmm ... Lavender and chains and long blonde hair.  Grade:  D-  
A most unexciting , un-Ga Ga like ensemble.



Kelly Osbourne.  F  F  F.  This gown looks like something she purchased at the local five and dime as a princess costume for Halloween.  And I HATE her freaking lavender hair.  Grade:  FFF, three times a failure.  Plus, her shoes do not match.  This is a major disaster.

That's it peeps.  Mama's tired and I simply can't take looking at another Red Carpet picture.  I'll wait until Oscar season, my FAVORITE time of year!  So until then, SMOOCHES!!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

FAMOUS PEOPLE ... UGH!!


So apparently Sean Penn flipped out on a fan who took his picture without permission.  WITHOUT PERMISSION.   
 
I think Sean Penn is an incredible actor but he is also an INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE.  So here is an open letter to Mr. Penn.

Dear Sean Penn:

Why do you have to be so fucken mean to people who want a picture or an autograph?  They’re just excited to see someone famous.  It’s a big deal to regular people when they encounter one of your kind, you dirt bag. 

This is why I never, EVER approach a famous person for an autograph.  I have always been afraid they would humiliate me and then I wouldn’t like them anymore.  The one and only time I approached a celebrity I was in Las Vegas.  I happened to see Tony Curtis playing computer poker.  THE ONLY REASON I approached him was because the night before I saw him on the Arsenio Hall show and he went on and on about how much he LOVED when fans came up to him.  FUCKEN LIAR.  He made me feel SO STUPID.  The least you famous people could do is be nice to the common folk.  So Sean, talented or not, you’re an asshole.  EFF YOU DICKWAD.

Signed,
Just a regular person who thinks you're an asshole.

NEXT ...
 
So, my friend Leti emailed me today and said OMG did you see the Kim and Kanye video?!  OMG WTF!?  So OF COURSE I had to check it out. 
 
Ok, you all know that I HATE rap.  But this was the STUPIDEST rap I have ever heard.  And it is the STUPIDEST video I've ever seen.  
 
I just cannot get over these two ... they are so incredibly superficial and shallow it is mind-boggling.  They're in love with their own images.  Give both of them a mirror and they'd never stop looking into it.
 
 
So I’ll tell you all what I told Leti.  This is the second time I’ve seen Kim in a sex tape.  Once with Ray J, and now with a motorcycle. 

 
NEXT … Lenny Kravitz … just because … *SIGH*
 
 
 

SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THE DRUG TAKING PUBLIC SERVANTS????

First we have the Mayor of Toronto smoking crack.  CRACK!  That's some serious shit people.  How does a crack head run a city?  Oops.  Forgot.  Marion Barry.  Was elected.  TWICE.  I don't get it.



Then we have this guy ... Rep. Trey Radel (R-Fla.) taking a leave of absence after pleading guilty to cocaine possessionAnd he's a Republican!  They're usually so straight I'm almost proud of him. 

trey radel press conference

SO ... whenever you're feeling low ... or whenever you feel like you're not good enough/smart enough/accomplished enough ... hold up a mirror and see whose looking back at you.  And if there's not a crack pipe in your hand ... you're doing A-OKAY. 

Assholes.


Smooches Darlings ... until next time!
 
 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

RADICAL WEIRDOS AND SO ON ....



Rafael Cruz, Ted Cruz's father, is a Cuban American, born again Christian pastor.  In the Huffington Post he stated that Black people are uninformed and deceived.  As are Hispanics.  That was ridiculous enough.  But then he had to go and cite scripture in support of the death penalty ...

“You know, the Bible is so clear," he said. "Go to Genesis Chapter 9 and you will find the death penalty clearly stated in Genesis Chapter 9 ... God ordains the death penalty!”

Pastor .... check out 1 Peter 3:9:

"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with a blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."  

And I may be wrong but, isn't there a commandment that states:  THOU SHALT NOT KILL?  That's pretty concrete.  I mean, it's actually written in stone ... THOU.  SHALT.  NOT.  KILL.   Exodus 20.  Pastor, look it up.

In another headline:

Sarah Palin Compares Federal Debt To Slavery



Uh Sarah .... Slavery is SLAVERY.  Debt is debt.  Slavery was when people OWNED people.  Debt is when people owe MONEY.  Take a history class please.  And an economics course.   

She also had this to say about the Pope:

"He's had some statements that to me sound kind of liberal, has taken me aback, has kind of surprised me," Palin said.

Uh ... peach blossom .... Pope Francis is the Vicar of Christ.  He is a Pope who loves the poor, lives humbly and does not judge others.  He doesn't live in the papal apartments.  He isn't chauffeured everywhere in a limousine.  Which is quite contrary to some of your evangelical Christian preachers who preach that prosperity gospel and are all multi-millionaires.  I hate to break it to you sister, but if Jesus were on earth today he would be considered VERY liberal and you all would probably hunt him down and throw him in prison for being a commie pinko.  So, as I stated in my previous post ... SHADDUP ... AND GO KILL A MOOSE OR SOMETHING.   

RUSH LIMBURGER ... never fails to amaze me. 
Rush Limbaugh
(also on the Huffington Post) ... Rush Limbaugh sent a message to Millennials on Wednesday telling them that they can keep on being wild and free just as long as they have Obamacare.

"If you like being promiscuous, you can keep on being promiscuous," he said. "If you like being a prostitute, then have at it!"

So just to clarify, Limbaugh insists that the message of Obamacare is this:
 
"If you like your risky, promiscuous lifestyle, you can keep it. That's what Obama is promising."

WHAAAAAAT???  How in the world is Obamacare linked to risky, promiscious sex?  This guy is obsessed with risky, promiscuous sex.  That's all he ever talks about.  I think that Rush wishes he'd had some risky, promiscuous sex.  Or he's pissed off that people out there are having risky, promiscuous sex and he's not.  OR ... maybe he DOES have risky promiscuous sex and we just haven't heard about it yet.  I'm betting on that last one.   

SMOOCHES!
 


 

Monday, November 11, 2013

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS ...

MILEY CYRYUS SMOKES A JOINT ON STAGE AT THE MTV EMAS ....



How ladylike.  


SARAH PALIN AND MATT LAUER DISCUSS THE GOP, THE TEA PARTY AND OBAMACARE ...


Sarah ... why don't you go kill a moose or something. 


OK.  Now for a story about Danny.  SO.  EVERYTIME I try to call him this is what happens ...

DIAL.  Wait.  Ring.  Ring.  Ring.  "CLICK". 

ME:  Hello?

CLICK.   .... SILENCE.


Redial. 

DIAL.  Wait.  Ring.  Ring.  Ring.  "CLICK."

ME:  "Hello?"

CLICK.  ... SILENCE.


Again.

DIAL.  Wait.  Ring.  Ring.  Ring.  "CLICK"

DANNY:  "HELLO HELLO HELLO!?" 

ME:  Hello?

DANNY:  I'm sorry hon I was messing with my ear piece ... How are .... "CLICK".  SILENCE.



Love, love, love










Smooches Darlings!


Friday, November 1, 2013