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Friday, March 29, 2013

WELL ... I'M A WORKING GIRL AGAIN

Yes.  You read correctly.  I started working a few weeks ago but I didn't wanna make a big deal about it because ... well, you know ... I haven't had the best luck with jobs the last couple of years.  But, I am happy to report that all is going well.  Very well.  

I LOVE being employed again.  I love taking the bus to work.  I love swiping my I.D. card to enter my beautiful building which contains a cafeteria, a credit union, a Starbucks, a convenient little store and a cute, hip L.A. lunch spot that makes sandwiches and salads and other foodstuffs.  I LOVE IT.  I love walking out of the building at lunch time and walking over to the library to peruse new books and old.  I LOVE having lunch with my old working friends.  I LOVE being able to buy stuff and do things because now I have $$$$.  I love working at my desk, on my computer, for my bosses (four of them), I LOVE going to lunch which consists of a luxuriously long hour not like my other job where lunch was a half hour and you had to shove the food down your mouth whole and then make sure you scanned your hand on the hand scanner thing before returning to your cell without being dinged for being late.  I LOVE working with "smart" people and not for people who "think" they're smart.  Like at my old job ... which I hated ... because they laid me off.  Bastards.  I LOVE being able to walk over to the shopping center to buy shoes and make- up and other unnecessary purchases that serve merely to make me happy.  I LOVE IT.  I LOVE it all.  I practically skip to work every morning.  And that's pretty fucken happy.

And I am grateful.  Really, REALLY grateful.  And I'm telling you right now ... if I get laid off again I am going to put a bullet in my brain ... because that shit isn't even funny.  Or maybe I should put a bullet in the head of the person who lays me off ... which would make more sense, but then I'd probably have to go to prison for that, and then I'd really be screwed ... probably by some big lesbian.  Let's just hope I never get laid off again.  Like never, EVER .... EVER.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

KIMMIE ...

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have decided what they're going to name their spawn.  Are you ready?  Are you sure?  OK.  Here goes .... NORTH.  Yes, you read correctly.  NORTH.  They're going to name that unfortunate child NORTH WEST.  No words.

Isn't Kim looking weird lately?  I don't know what she is doing to her face but she kinda looks like a Barbie doll when you squeeze her face. 

WEIRD HUH.  It looks like she had some gigantic cheek implants and now her eyes look super slanty like little slits.  Personally, she looked much sexier with her original face don't you think?

Now for the best part .... FAT KIM!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE IT! 


Kimmie ... a little suggestion ... Moo-Moos.  Stick with Moo-Moos.  You should not be accentuating the waist you no longer have and the gigantic casabas you are now sporting.  


 Those poor pants are screaming "TAKE ME OFF!!!!  WE CAN'T BREATHE!!!!"


 Looking very Kirstie Alley in HER fat days.  (You might wanna ditch the ice cream cone)

 Stick with dark colors hon.  White is no longer for you.
 
  Uh .. LESS is actually more.  Ruffles, sleeves and shoulder pads ADD weight you stupid.

 Kim ... did you really think this print would camouflage your child bearing hips?
 
I seriously think she could be the first woman EVER to deliver a child anally.
 
"I know ... maybe if I have a zipper running down the middle of my ass it'll make it look smaller?!"

NOT.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

VIGGO, EENIE AND ME ...

So, I was talking to my friend Eenie (short for Enid), that I made through this blog (she's another Viggo obsessed loon) ... and she shared with me a dream she had about "our" boyfriend and in her dream there was a hug and a kiss involved.  My first reaction?  Truthfully?  Anger. Jealousy.  Hurt.  A big fat "NOOOOOOO" screamed in my head.  He's mine!  Mine!  MINE MINE MINE!!  I'm serious (sorry Eenie) and then I realized ... fuck ... I really have gone over the deep end.  And then I felt embarrassed because even though I realize that there are probably a billion other women who feel just like I do, I still feel that I'm the ONLY ONE that is REALLY NORMAL and is TRULY HIS SOUL MATE.   

And then I think about all the women on EARTH who love him and no matter how normal many of us may be HE'D still think we are all unstable.  But we're not.  But we kinda are ... know what I mean.  Because truth be told, if I had the superpower of being invisible I would ABSOLUTELY jump on a plane to Madrid and stalk the fuck outta him.  BUT, I'd be invisible ... so that makes it less nuts because he wouldn't know I was stalking him, and I'd still get the satisfaction of stalking him without him thinking I'm a stalker ... Eenie would understand. 

Eenie and I feel EXACTLY the same way about him.  It's so weird, but comforting at the same time.  So I told her about my dream which could not even begin to compare to hers.  In my dream Viggo is making a film in Antarctica.  He's playing Santa Clause -- but a Bad Santa (like Billy Bob Thornton's Bad Santa), and I was with him while he was filming.  But he wasn't the Viggo of my dreams ... he was some other Viggo.  What I remember most was he was wearing these gross khaki overalls with pee stains on the crotch?????? WHAT?!  MY Viggo would never have pee stains on his crotch.  I shared this with my Sister-in-Viggo, and she told me she couldn't even attempt to analyze it.  So I wonder ... Is my love waning?  He did visit me recently (not in Antarctica) but at a movie premiere (which I haven't told you about yet because I'm still working on it) ... there were tons of people there but somehow he found me.  He surprised me and took me by the hand and lead me through the crowd into the theatre and just like that -- we were together again.  It was as though no time had passed at all (remember our last interlude in the ether when he left me under the tree by the library because I'd told him I'd manipulated the ether and had made all of it happen?) ... and I had that heart stopping, breathless, exciting feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next ... but knowing it was gonna be good.  And then it was over. 

So, when Eenie told me all about her dream, I felt that Viggo was being unfaithful to me.  How could he tease me like that?  Hold my hand and be close to me and act like my boyfriend, but hug and kiss Eenie in the ether?  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I need to process. 

OK.  Talk amongst yourselves.  I'll be back.  Comments and thoughts would be appreciated. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

VIGGO, VIGGO ....

Where for art thou Viggo?