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Monday, February 25, 2013

2013 ACADEMY AWARDS BEST AND WORST

My favorite time of the year!  Oscar Sunday.  Let's get started shall we?



Salma Hayek - PERFECTION.  Salma never, EVER disappoints.  She knows how to dress for her petite frame and always knocks it out of the park.  I love the gold headpiece in her hair, the gold neckline and beautiful black velvet with gold clutch.  Grade:  A+


Charlize Theron.  WHAT A BEAUTY!  The gown is perfection.  The hair is AMAZING.  Not many can pull off a pixie haircut like this.  You have to have a beautiful face and amazing bone structure.  Not much else to say when someone looks so absolutely gorgeous.  Grade:  A+


Jennifer Lawrence.  PERFECTION.  Loved this gown.  It almost looks like a very, very light pink but I believe it's white.  She pulled this off effortlessly.  Beautiful hair, makeup and jewelery.  You can't see it very well in the picture, but she wore a beautiful necklace that draped down her back.  Gorgeous.  Grade:  A+

What can I say, there were a lot of winners last night.


Naomi Watts.  I loved this gown.  Beautiful color and I love the different neckline and bodice.  Her hair was good, makeup beautiful, jewels were perfect.  Grade:  Yup!  Another A+


Jessica Chastain.  This was a beautiful gown.  Just the right amount of color that went well with her skin and hair color.  Another A for Jessica Chastain.


Jennifer Hudson.  OK.  First of all I do not like the Morticia hair.  The dress is pretty enough but I feel like all it's missing are the fins at the bottom.  She looked like a mermaid. Grade:  C



Halle Berry.  I've said it before, I'll say it again ... Halle NEVER gets it wrong.  She looks beautiful.  Love the gown, love the makeup, love the hair.  Grade:  A+


Kerry Washington.  Loved the shade of this gown.  It was a beautiful coral shade loved the beading on the bodice but I think she should have worn her hair up.  Other than that I'll give her a solid B.



Anne Hathaway.  I didn't like this dress.  It looked like it didn't fit right and that diamond necklace was totally unnecessary.  The color was a much too pale pink and blends right into her skin washing her out.  Over all look is WAY too pale.  Anne is one of those gals who is almost pretty but her features are too big.  Big eyes, big nose, big mouth.  Grade:  D-   A most unexciting look.



Amy Adams went with a very pale blue ball gown.  I really loved this on her.  She is a beautiful girl when she wears her makeup correctly.  I'm going to give her an A+.



Catherine Zeta-Jones.  CATHERINE!  CHANGE YOUR FUCKEN HAIRSTYLE PLEASE ... JEEZ!!  Get some bangs or something.  Catherine always wears the same gown.  Spaghetti straps and the same neckline.  ALWAYS.  And that scrolling gold overlay isn't working.  You look like a Zeigfeld girl.  Maybe if she wore her hair up or cut some bangs or SOMETHING she might have warranted a better grade but unfortunately for Catherine, this year I'm giving her a C-

Amanda Seyfried.  OK.  I wasn't feeling this halter type neckline.  But she is a beautiful girl and the dress was very pretty.  It was a very light lavender with some gold overlay.  Very feminine, but it seems she still needs something ... more jewelery?  I don't know.  I'm going to give her a C.


Zoe Saldana.  OK.  I don't get the frou-frou at the top and then she has a belt and a bow and then black and grey chiffon at the hem ?????  Me no likee.  Grade:  D-   Also, her makeup and hair were not good.  She looks way too thin in the face and had no color.  More blush?  More lip?  I don't know but the makeup definitely needed something.  She also needs to eat something. 


Melissa McCarthy.  She looked VERY pretty.  Loved the color of this gown and the applique at the ends of the sleeves and at the shoulder.  However, it did bug the crap outta me when Skeletor Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne kept going ON AND ON about how "you don't have to be a size 2 to look beautiful and gorgeous and blah blah blah."  SHADDUP!  Just say she looked beautiful and MOVE THE FUCK ON.  Ugh.  I'm giving Melissa an A.  Makeup - beautiful; hair - beautiful.  Overall look:  beautiful.


Maria Menounos.  I love this girl.  I think she is so pretty and sexy.  I loved this gown and I especially loved her hair.  Very 1960's.  And she has great boobs.  Grade:  B+



Brandi Glanville?  Like WTF was she doing there?  And that dress ... honey, why did you even bother covering up your boobs?  You should have just gone topless and it would have looked the same.  Or better yet, how about a couple of pasties?  The Oscar Red Carpet is not a place for Brandi Glanville.  Sorry.  I like her but she is not Red Carpet material.  Grade:  F- (plus another minus for bad taste).

Uh ... I can't decide.  It needs something .... but I can't tell what.  Oh Jen ... I gotta give you a C-


Jennnifer Garner and Ben Affleck.  Cutest Couple.  Grade:  A+


George Clooney and girlfriend #17.  Very cute.  Great body, nice dress.  Georgie always looks great.  George - Grade:  A.  Girlfriend #17 - Grade:  B+

OK.  The silhouette of this dress was very beautiful on her however, she looks like she was dipped in oil and then added some gold curly-cues at the bottom and a few gold spangles at the bustline.  I feel like I need to hand her some paper towels.  Not the best look for Nicole.  I'm going to give her a B- for the overall look (but a C- for the dress itself) because though I don't like the oily blackness of the sequince it is a very nice neckline and great fit. 

Adele.  I LOVE this girl.  Incredibly talented (writes and composes her own music) and she is so beautiful.  I loved her makeup, hair gorgeous, dress was very nice.  I'm going to give her a B+

OK.  I love her hair shorter.  It is very becoming.  Again, she much too thin and though this gown is definitely haute coture, I don't like the black.  Not on her.  Anywhoo ... I'm going to give Giuliana a B-

Joseph Gordon Levitt.  I love this kid.  He is so cute and super talented.  Joseph gets a big fat A.


Reese Witherspoon.  Very chic and elegant.  Loved the hair (side part) very Veronica Lake.  Love the cobalt blue with the black trim.  This is very reminiscent of the gown she wore a few years back.  I'm going to give Reese an A.

 
The amazing Helen Hunt.  Proudly announcing that she got her gown from H&M.  Helen ... it looks like it.  It's all wrinkled and funky and you can so easily afford haute coture.  Do not wear H&M on the Red Carpet again.  EVER.  Grade:  F-

Sandra Bullock.  Beautiful.  Clean.  Simple.  This is very similiar to the gown she wore when she won the academy award.  The sort of scalloped pattern in black and silver.  Very nice.  Good hair, good makeup.  Sandra gets an A.  

Okay ladies and germs ... that's it for this season.  Mama had a rough January with lots of sad news and it seems to just keep on coming.  I did my best.  Please feel free to leave comments and add those stars I forgot, etc., et al. 

I wish you all a BEAUTIFUL 2013 WITH NO BAD NEWS AND NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS.

XOXOX
Muah!

Monday, February 11, 2013

A re-run .... MILLENIAL CHILDREN AND OTHER CRETANS

The other day there was SHOCKING footage of a teacher spanking a five year old. OH. MY. GOD.  Dan and I saw this on the morning news.  We just looked at each other like WHAT THE HELL ... because we both remembered that when WE WERE KIDS the teacher could beat the shit outta you and so could your parents and NO ONE WAS SUED.  

That all changed during the 1980's.  Children born after 1980, also referred to as "millennial children."  You know, the ones that were pampered every freaking day of their lives and now walk into the workplace demanding free time, work/life balance, big bucks and the ability to work from home in their pajamas.  The problem with this is that they are working for baby boomer bosses whose work ethic and background is radically different.  I, being a baby boomer, understand this all too well.  Unfortunately, my experience in the last 10 years has been a little different because I've had to work for these millennial brats who never learned any manners, courtesy, patience or respect for their elders and think only of themselves.  Quite a conundrum if you're a 53 year old legal secretary and your boss is a 28 year old attorney with malignant narcissism and anger management issues.  These are the kids whose parents pampered, hovered, protected and always rescued them thereby producing a generation of super, coddled spawn who have never learned how to deal with the realities of life because "it's hard out there.  

When I grew up my mom and dad didn't take any lip.  Neither did our teachers.  It was a different world and those in authority demanded respect.  Teachers expected you to shut up and listen or you would get humiliated in class or worse, get a swat.  AND NO ONE SUED THEM.  My 8th grade science teacher Mr. Shiyota (who I hated with such a passion that I used to daydream of ways to kill him and get away with it) once swatted a kid in class.  This kid, Frank, was a gang-banging peewee and probably should have just been sent to the principal's office but I think Mr. Shiyota had a serious sadistic streak and secretly loved instilling corporeal punishment.  Receiving a swat was pretty common but you had to be a real pain in the ass to get one.  Frank was one such pain in the ass.  Mr. Shiyota called him up to the front of the class and in front of everyone took a wooden paddle with holes in it and swung that mother like a baseball bat right on his behind.  It made ME want to cry.  He could have done serious harm, but that is how it was back then.  What teachers got away with with in the 1970's is unheard of today.  If there were no statute of limitations on shame and fear I'd be in litigation right now suing for MILLIONS in pain and suffering!  We baby boomers grew up in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD.  There were boundaries and you knew not to cross them.  

If you're wondering why we didn't tell our parents the teacher swatted us or yelled at us it is because THE TEACHER WAS GOD.  The teacher represented AUTHORITY and YOU DID NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY.  In my day you'd get a beating at home for getting a beating at school.  Fear of getting in trouble at school and shame at embarrassing your parents ... such things do not exist anymore.  Then the 1980's rolled around and it all changed.  Society became very child oriented which, for those of us born in the "children should be seen and not heard" generation, it was a tad hard to swallow.  

This last generation of kids were raised ... indulged, loved, encouraged, patted, petted, always got a hi 5 and a "good job!" for eating their fucken cereal.  Oy.  Let's go back to my childhood when kids were kids and adults were adults and no one gave a crap how a 10 year old felt. IT BUILT CHARACTER PEOPLE!

1966;  Me, Arnie, Georgie and Eddie sitting on the curb staring at the Sun to see who could do it the longest. After burning our retinas out we decided to have a screaming contest. After three minutes of screaming, Tia Chata comes outside in her house dress, cigarette in one hand and a cup of coffe in the other and screams louder than the four of us together "SHADDUP!!!!!!!" then, taking a drag on her cigarette, she walks back into the house.




NOTE: She didn't think someone had been hurt, run over by a car, or lost an eye. All she knew was that we were bugging the shit outta her and she had HAD IT. These were the moms in the 1960's. They didn't care about about our fragile little egos. If we lost a game and started crying we didn't get medal for "participating" ... a mom would just bark something like "don't be such a crybaby! Go outside and play dammit!" then back in the house she'd go as she took another drag on her cigarette.

And we were okay with that. No one grew up psychologically damaged.
No o
ne was ruined for life. We bounced back just fine and figured out another game to play ... "I know you guys ... let's play parade!" This game consisted of sitting on the curb and clapping every time a car drove down the street. And this was a shitload of fun to us. If our parents were like parents today they would have been gushing and oohing over our brilliant, creative little minds and would somehow turn that into a scholarship to university because the child showed inherent ability to moderate the flow of traffic at different times during the day which would then allow for a psychological profile of not only drivers, but bystanders as well, and then a study would prove that ....*#*@&p)!!!!!  It's so damn insane.

Any of you seen the Super Nanny?  Yet another reality based program that helps parents learn how to parent ... don't even get me started.  I happened to catch an episode once.  The kids in this family ran the entire household and the mom and dad were completely useless. In one unbelievable incident little Johnny was screaming his head off because he wouldn't drink his milk unless he was able to do so while sitting on his dad's shoulders. Next shot:  kid sitting on dad's shoulders calmly drinking his milk.  (Personally, if that had been my kid he wouldn't have a head right now). 


This would NEVER happen at our house.  

Manzanar Avenue, circa 1965.  If one of us didn't want to do something my dad would proceed to take his belt off with a menacing sneer "orale veras!" (translation: you better do what I tell you to do you little bastard or else!) No bargaining, no reasoning, no B.S. You know why?  BECAUSE HE WAS THE DAD AND YOU WERE THE KID. Period. End of story.

I can recall many a madcap chase through the house my mom yelling after me ... "don't run away from me you little shit!For years I thought that was my name.  And forget the world's greatest pitchers ... a Mexican mother sitting on a couch ... my mom could throw a brush and make it round a corner and cock you right on the back of your head.  Swear.  

I don't know what else to say about today's kids.  They grew up to be a bunch of narcissistic brats constantly photographing themselves which I CAN'T STAND.  When I was a kid, or I should say a teenager or young adult, being in love with yourself was considered a fault.  Conceit was not considered self esteem.  It was considered CONCEIT.  

Monday, February 4, 2013

A RE-RUN WHINE ...


I HATE bending over.  If I'm sitting in a chair and I drop my pen or anything that makes me have to bend over I'm all FUCK!!  Whenever I vacuum, which I did today, and the vacuum cleaner does not pick up a tiny piece of paper or a sliver of thread that I've passed the vacuum over ten times I will leave it there until the next time I vacuum.  And you know that that damn piece of paper or sliver of thread will remain on the carpet in the exact same location until I finally have to fucken bend over and pick it up.  However, if I happen to catch the edge of the bedspread with the vacuum it will suck up the entire bedspread.  WHY IS THAT?!  Or how come whenever I lose an earring or some other precious memento and it's fallen on the carpet and the only LOGICAL place on EARTH it could be is within a small diameter of space where I dropped it ... but somehow despite the rules of quantum physics, time and space, that fucken earring will have bounced from that spot on the carpet and magically appear downstairs under the sink?  I HATE when that happens.

The other day I lost my glasses.  I had them in my hand.  I FELT them in my hand.  I KNOW they were in my hand and then ... they were gone.  I was in the living room when I lost them.  I didn't leave the living room and then go upstairs or go outside and make a cartwheel and then go into the kitchen.  The only logical place they could have been was somewhere in the living room.  I looked and looked and looked and cursed a blue streak because THEY WERE IN MY FUCKING HAND TWO SECONDS AGO!!!  And I swear, whenever this crap happens I am certain that early Alzheimer's has set in and I am truly losing my mind.  How could something be there and then ... be gone?  It's like magic.  So after going upstairs three times to search for my stupid glasses (even though I KNEW there was no way in hell they were going to be upstairs) ... I go upstairs anyway) and they're not there.  I retrace my steps for 20 minutes until I finally give up.  I sit on the couch and now I can't find the remote.  I look around and see it on the floor ... OF COURSE ... and, as I bend down to pick it up (FUCK!) THERE ... between the end table and the sofa ... are my glasses. 
 





A RE-RUN WHINE ...


I HATE bending over.  If I'm sitting in a chair and I drop my pen or anything that makes me have to bend over I'm all FUCK!!  Whenever I vacuum, which I did today, and the vacuum cleaner does not pick up a tiny piece of paper or a sliver of thread that I've passed the vacuum over five times I will leave it there until the next time I vacuum.  And you know that that damn piece of paper or sliver of thread will remain on the carpet in the exact same location until I finally have to fucken bend over and pick it up.  However, if I happen to catch the edge of the bedspread that vacuum will suck up the entire thing!  WHY IS THAT?!  Or how come whenever I lose an earring or some other precious memento on the carpet and the only LOGICAL place on EARTH it could be is within a small diameter of space where I dropped it but somehow despite the rules of quantum physics, time and space, that fucken earring will have bounced from the spot on the carpet and magically appear downstairs under the sink?  I HATE when that happens.

The other day I lost my glasses.  I had them in my hand.  I FELT them in my hand.  I KNOW they were in my hand and then ... they were gone.  I was in the living room when I lost them.  I didn't leave the living room and go upstairs or go outside and make a cartwheel and then go into the kitchen.  The only logical place they could have been was somewhere in the living room.  I looked and looked and looked and cursed a blue streak because THEY WERE IN MY FUCKING HAND TWO SECONDS AGO!!!  And I swear, whenever this crap happens I am deathly afraid that I am truly losing my mind.  How could something be there and then ... be gone?  It's like magic.  So after going upstairs three times to search for my stupid glasses (even though I KNEW there was no way in hell they were going to be upstairs ... but because I don't trust myself and fear that I really am in the early stages of Alzheimer's, I go upstairs anyway) and they're not there.  I retrace my steps for 20 minutes until I finally give up.  I sit on the couch and now I can't find the remote.  I look around and see it on the floor ... OF COURSE ... and, as I bend down to pick it up (FUCK!) THERE ... between the end table and the sofa ... are my glasses. 
 





RE-RUN .... A WHINE

I HATE bending over.  If I'm sitting in a chair and I drop my pen and I have to bend over to pick it up I'm all FUCK!  Whenever I vacuum and the vacuum does not pick up a tiny piece of paper or a sliver of thread that I've already passed the vacuum over ten times I will leave it there until the next time I vacuum.  And you know that that damn piece of paper or sliver of thread will remain on the carpet in the exact same location until the end of time until I finally bend over and pick it up.  However, if I happen to catch the edge of the bedspread with the vacuum cleaner that vacuum will suck up the entire bedspread.  WHY IS THAT?  Or how come whenever I drop an earring or some other precious memento onto the carpet and the only LOGICAL PLACE ON EARTH it could possibly be is within a small diameter of space where I dropped it but, somehow despite the rules of quantum physics, time and space, that fucken earring will have bounced from the spot on the carpet and magically appear downstairs under the sink?  I HATE when that happens.

The other day I lost my glasses.  I had them in my hand.  I FELT them in my hand.  I KNOW they were in my hand and then ... they were gone.  I was in the living room when I lost them.  I didn't leave the living room, go upstairs and make a cartwheel and then go into the kitchen.  The only logical place they could possibly be was somewhere in the living room.  I looked and looked and looked and cursed a blue streak because THEY WERE IN MY FUCKING HAND TWO SECONDS AGO!!!  And I swear, whenever these types of things happen I am certain I am losing my mind.  How could something be there and then ... be gone?  It's like magic.  So, after going upstairs three times to search for my stupid glasses (even though I KNEW there was no way in hell they were going to be upstairs ... I go upstairs anyway) and they're not there.  I retrace my steps for 20 minutes until I finally give up.  I sit on the couch to watch TV and now I can't find the remote.  CRAP.  I look around and see it on the floor ... AND OF COURSE I have to bend over to pick it up ... and  THERE ... between the end table and the sofa ... were my glasses. 






A WHINE ...


I HATE bending over.  If I'm sitting in a chair and I drop my pen or anything that makes me have to bend over I'm all FUCK!!  Whenever I vacuum, which I did today, and the vacuum does not pick up a tiny piece of paper or a sliver of thread and I've passed the vacuum over it five times and it still does not pick it up, I will leave it there until the next time I vacuum.  And you know that that damn piece of paper or sliver of thread will remain on the carpet in the exact same location, until I finally have to fucken bend over and pick it up.  How come that never happens when I lose an earring?  How many times have I dropped an earring or some other precious memento on the carpet ... and the only LOGICAL place on EARTH it could be is within a small diameter of space, but somehow, despite the rules of quantum physics, time and space, that fucken earring will have bounced from the spot on the carpet and magically appear downstairs under the sink?  I HATE when that happens.

The other day I lost my glasses.  I had them in my hand.  I FELT them in my hand.  I KNOW they were in my hand and then ... they were gone.  I was in the living room when I lost them.  I didn't leave the living room and go upstairs or go outside and make a cartwheel and then go into the kitchen.  The only logical place they could have been was somewhere in the living room.  I looked and looked and looked and cursed a blue streak because THEY WERE IN MY FUCKING HAND TWO SECONDS AGO!!!  And I swear, when this crap happens I am deathly afraid that I really am losing my mind.  How could something be there and then ... be gone?  It's like magic.  So after going upstairs three times to search for my stupid glasses (even though I KNEW there was no way in hell they were going to be upstairs ... but because I don't trust myself and fear that I really am in the early stages of Alzheimer's, I go upstairs anyway) and they're not there.  I retrace my steps for 20 minutes until I finally give up.  I sit on the couch and bend down (FUCK!) to pick up the remote and there ... between the end table and the sofa ... are my glasses.