Saturday, December 19, 2009

Once again ... another blurb about my hair ...

Remember a while back when I was contemplating going gray? And how I wondered if I'd look classy like Jamie Lee Curtis or just look like an old lady? Well ... I did go gray ... and take my word for it ... I did not look like Jamie Lee Curtis. My stepdaughter told me that while we were all at the hospital for Lauren's transplant everyone thought I was Lauren's GRANDMOTHER! And I'm sorry people ... but I just can't have that .... I'll go gray when I turn 60.

Hair, to me, is the only thing I got going for myself at this stage. So styling it, coloring it, cutting it, growing it, streaking it - these are all things that I do to give myself a little lift. Having done NOTHING to my hair in the last year has been a righteous bummer. SO, decision made. I'm going to color my hair. I know I can't afford the blond thing so I figured a nice warm brown would look good and then I could add blond streaks later. So, I get to my appointment figuring I'll be there two hours tops. SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS LATER I finally walked out of there!

So my hairdresser says to me "Brown? NO! Let's just add some platinum highlights all over ... it'll look great!" "Okay, sounds good." The process begins. Several hours later I'm done and when I look in the mirror it looks like I've aged another 15 years! I just have MORE GRAY HAIR! I'M SCREAMING IN MY HEAD. I DON'T LIKE IT. Okay, she says, let's put a brown shade to warm it up and it'll also darken up the platinum. I can tell she feels terrible and the brown sounded like it might fix it so that's what she did. When I was done she put some blonding shampoo to lighten the platinum strands so they'd stand out a little more and she left it on too long so my hair turned out looking brown and blue. Seriously ... brown and BLUE. I can now tell she almost wants to cry. I tell her to just let me come back the next day, I've already been there five hours, I haven't eaten all day and I'm tired. She says NO! I WON'T SLEEP AT ALL IF YOU DON'T LET ME FIX IT. SO, FINALLY, she puts A NICE WARM BROWN COLOR LIKE I FUCKING WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE and it came out perfect. A whole 8 hour day and a hundred plus dollars later ...

When I get home, the hubs, as usual, doesn't even notice ... thinks it looks the same, it looked good the way it was, yeah yeah yeah WHATEVER. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW MUCH I PAID but I figure since I'm a short order cook/maid, slave and dishwasher, I figure I EARNED IT.

So, Friday we had planned to take a drive to visit Lauren and Dawn and see how they were coming along since the surgery. I took a big ol pot of my tortilla soup and some really yummy red velvet cupcakes. During the drive Danny asks me in his sarcastic little way "so, you think anyone will notice your hair?" (he asks me this because he's certain NO ONE will notice and because he thinks that the only reason I see a difference is because I'm delusional and psychotic) and I tell him that if anyone notices it will be Breanne cause Breanne is a girly girl (and in truth EVERYONE on earth would notice I colored my hair except Danny because when it comes to me, Danny never notices anything I do). We arrive. DING DONG. Breanne answers the door ... "YOU COLORED YOUR HAIR! I LIKE IT!" I turn to look at my husband with that expression I have that I'm sure he loathes ... and without uttering one word say "SEE. I WIN."

Sunday, December 13, 2009

What's wrong with normal?!

This is a question I have pondered often. Living in a world where we are bombarded with self help books, self help gurus, spiritual teachers, books telling us how to "succeed", how to be a winner, blah blah blah. HEY! What the hells the matter with normal?! There are WAY more NORMAL people in the world than SPECIAL people. Normal people go to work, pay taxes, raise kids and don't break laws. That's pretty amazing if you ask me. Most SPECIAL people I know of, or have read about are lying, cheating bastards.

Example No. 1: Bernie Madoff was a man of great wealth who lived a life in the lap of luxury. He was admired and looked up to by many people. Now, he sits in prison because he used his intelligence to figure out an incredeible ponzi scheme that robbed and cheated hundreds of people out of their life savings. Before his incarceration, in the eyes of the world, he was considered a success, a visionary. Bernie Madoff in my book? L O S E R.

My dad went to work every day. Never took a vacation and went to work when he was sick. He supported us and taught his children right from wrong and how to live life with honor. In the eyes of the world, or if you saw him on the street, you'd think he was nobody special. But he is more than special to me. To me, he is a GREAT man.

Example No. 2: When I was in elementary school there was a little Japanese girl in my class who always made straight A's. She was an outstanding citizen and was ALWAYS teacher's pet. She ALWAYS got called on in class, ALWAYS got special perks and special treatment and the teachers LOVED her. What they didn't know, was that she was a sadistic little shit who was the definition of a "mean girl" and ruled the playground like her own little fiefdom. Seriously. She made life hell for me and lots of other little girls in school. Now, if you were one of the teachers, you didn't know this about her. To you she was a sweet, studious and obedient little girl. Fast forward eight years ... she got knocked up right before graduation and no one ever saw her again. OK, OK relax ... allow me to elaborate. I was one of those nothing special NORMAL kids. Not super smart, not super talented and in truth, I was a big mouth. I'm sure half my teachers figured I wouldn't amount to much because I was just NORMAL. Follow me? Looking at me and Susie Perfect any teacher would naturally assume that Susie Perfect would grow up to be a great success and I would probably end up working in a donut shop for the rest of my life. From a teacher's point of view I guess that was a relatively safe assumption ... but it was WRONG.

As I've said in previous posts, I went to school in the olden days when bullies were bullies and teachers could actually hit you. And if your bully happened to be a sweet faced little Japanese girl who made straight A's no teacher would EVER believe that she took your brand new white sweater and stomped on it in the dirt ... Ooooh Debbie, don't be such a tattle-tale. True story. The point is that if you were to predict her future and mine you would never predict that she'd get knocked up and leave school. That would have been my future. And this traumatizing time left it's mark on my psyche ... to this day whenever I see a successful Japanese female, ala Kristi Yamaguchi, I automatically hate her guts.

"Yeah, I know you - ya little shit ... you probably always got straight A's and got to read aloud in class all the time CAUSE YOU WERE SOOOOO SMART."

Am I proud of this? No, but it is what it is.
There is a hilarious scene in Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" that to this day makes me laugh hysterically. The scene: we're in a first grade classroom and one little kid stands up and tells the audience what became of him ... "I used to be a heroin addict but now I'm a methodone addict" ... had I known in the 5th grade that Susie Perfect would end up the way she did maybe I might have endured her torture with a sense of humor LOL!

Wherever she is today, I hope that Susie Perfect is happy. I really do. She is a memory from my childhood and she served an important purpose and that was to teach me how to deal with the mean girls of the world. AND ... most importantly, I learned that NORMAL is not less than. That there really is no NORMAL ... we are all special. In one way or another, everyone has a gift.

Teachers ... pay attention. I have always wondered why it is that teachers cater to the bright kids instead of those other NORMAL kids who could really benefit from their guidance. Who knows if that kid, who is just a C student, might not grow up to be another Bill Gates?

Bill Gates in high school - arrested for reckless driving.

Bill Gates today. The richest man on earth.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Lauren's Gift

The Happiest Day Ever ... December 10, 2009 - release from hospital with mom's donated kidney.

Top row: Dad, Auntie Bangles, Jim (step-dad), Debbie (step-mommy), Nana, Auntie Laurie, and Papa

Bottom row: Lauren, Mom (Dawn) and sister Bree

And a big thanks to the fantastic nurses, surgeons, doctors and staff at UCI Irvine. You are all amazing human beings. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ALL!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Since it's in the news ... a little blurb about Tiger

Here we go again. Yet another man who has admitted to "personal failings" (or in my lingo, couldn't keep it in his pants). First of all, can I just say that Tiger Woods is the most UNSEXY guy ever. I don't care if he does have a billion dollars if I were a young hot thing you couldn't pay me enough money to do him ... but then again, I was never a publicity seeking, opportunistic

w----e (rhymes with "sore" ... forgive the pun LOL). I just feel bad for his wife, poor thing. Although I'm sure it must have felt mighty good swinging that golf club right at his stupid head. What is it with these guys? My God it's like they're afraid that they're going to literally DIE without having to have EVERY FRICKIN' WOMAN WITH BREAST IMPLANTS ON THE PLANET! I mean seriously. How many women and how much sex must you possibly have in life in order to feel whatever it is you feel you need to feel? You KNOW these bimbos are gonna come forward at some point in time you idiots. That's why you never, EVER, make a sex tape, send text messages, emails, videos, NOTHING. But I know all my kvetching is for naught because although I know that men will continue to behave badly it is always their wives and children who really suffer over their "personal failings". My advice to Tiger? Don't worry dude. Remember President Clinton? Governor Sandford? Eliot Spitzer? No need to be accountable for anything. In a few months everybody will forget this little transgression and then everybody will love you all over again, and you'll continue making billions of dollars and boinking all the la-la's you want.

I think what bothers me the most about these jerks is that they profess to maintain the image of the upright family man and they're anything but.

HYPOCRISY. Websters says:
A pretense of having a virtuous character; moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.

And by no means am I letting the bimbos off the hook either. These opportunistic, publicity seeking, money hungry bimbettes who are desperately searching for someone to latch onto so they don't have to be responsible for themselves are pathetic. It's 2009 ladies! The 21st Century! When you become involved with married men who have families you are causing serious damage to other human beings. Have some character, some integrity. When you have a moral compass you empower yourself. No one can ever accuse you of being what you are ... a pathetic, clinging user.

What goes around really does come around and I'm glad to see that these wives are no longer standing by their men. I love the argument that men can compartmentalize. They can separate love for wife from sex with whore. Women can do that too ... but usually don't. What if we all compartmentalized ourselves, well that would mean that I could separate my relationships with family and friends and rob them blind without compromising my conscience. Yeah. That would be great! Or, I could sleep with my best friends husband and know that it really isn't about love for my husband just lust for my friends hubby! Yeah. Wouldn't that be cool! Wouldn't that be great! And no one would be accountable for anything! We could do any fricking thing we wanted but it really wouldn't matter because we didn't mean to hurt anybody ... WE JUST WANTED TO DO IT BECAUSE.

Okay. I'm done.